blah blah blah. ((no title))

reading what i wrote on monday, and on tuesday, i was in a deep rutt. my heart hurt, my soul hurt, i physically and psychologically hurt. i was so near the edge and ready to have a breakdown that i could see it -- almost predict when it was going to happen.

yesterday, late afternoon, there was a breakthrough. a tiny ray of light started to shine into my dark life. jenny and i hadn't really talked since saturday. long story. but to sum it up we have both been in this crappy time and has wanted to talk to no one. i dont think i have felt so alone. anyways we finally got to email and it was soooooooooooooooooo nice!! hopefully we get to hang out as planned tonight after she gets off work. a small escape for our lives should prove to be beneficial for both of us. i work at 7a.m. tomorrow, which is the ONLY downfall. we'll see how this pans out.

i work 7-4 today, which means eddie takes konnor to daycare. he tried to fight this when i woke up this morning. i told him that it was early for me, and pretty much, he didn't care. i was trying to get konnor back to sleep (it was 5:30am) when he started this nonsense, and i knew it wasn't going to happen, so i left. poor konnor was crying and i told eddie to cuddle him. his response: "i dont do that" i cried the entire way to my house to get ready and a good part of the way to work. eddie has no patience in the morning with anyone, let alone an upset child. i often wonder what goes on when i am not there. have thought of a nanny cam, but i dont think id want to see.

needless to say, this morning was a setback. i am so torn between wanting konnor to have a daddy and kicking his stupid ass to the curb. yeah, we have fun, when he spends time with us. he can be a really great guy and super sweet. but lately, the last thing he wants to do is spend time with us and has been in severe jerk mode. im so freaking confused!!!! either way, i am screwed. he already told me he'll fight if we break up. he thinks he'll get konnor. he wont. thats a given. i support both of them. minus car insurance. and then there's the whole cell phone thing. i don't want to cancel the freaking phone. GAH!! that's a lotta freaking money. i dont know. pretty much, whether i like it or not, im going to be stuck with him for the rest of my life. together or not. i just need to get him out of jerk mode, and we'll be okay. i think. i hope.

my semi good day seems to be getting worse and worse now. i just found out that i have been doing a major process wrong for quite some time. and it caused a customer to get over charged and almost disconnected. now i say almost, b/cuz they didn't get their power shut off. only because the customer called, thank goodness. i hate doing things wrong, and will beat myself up about it for quite some time following. work today is just lame, and i would appreciate it if i could go home. haha. wishes... ok, there are a lot of calls waiting to be answered, so i will push the buttom of doom and let everyone else get back to their lives.

loves a lot,

*.::me::.*