feelings thru song

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind



How do I feel?
I've been here before
I've felt this
Retreat to a place,
A place within me
I need this.
Keep it all down,
Bottled inside
It breaks me.
To torment again
And torture me
Like it used to



This is my december
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all i need



she can't hide no matter how hard she tries
Her secret disguised behind the lies
And at night she crys away her pride
With eyes shut tight staring at her inside
All her friends know why she can't sleep at night
All her family asking is she alright




To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure




I find the answers aren't so clear
Wish I could find a way to disapear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorence



Theres something about songs that help me to understand how it is that im feeling. happiness is not me. when i start listening to staind and linkin park, i know something is wrong. whether its deep in my head or if i can find it staring me straight in the face. something is up. this time, i am going to have to dig, although i know part of what is bothering me.


i hate being unhappy. its just getting worse, not better. i think i am getting really irritated and flustered because eddie is finally trying to make things between us better. yeah, i want to be with him for konnor's sake. but i dunno if i wanna be with him for me. or if id find more happiness elsewhere. gosh, this stinks!! my thoughts my dreams and my intuition is making it difficult. the last three nights have been odd, with weird dreams that keep me awake, and paranoid about things.


like, the night before last i kept thinking someone was gonna break into my car. so i kept waking up, or getting up rather, and peeking through the living room curtains to make sure all was quiet. every little sound had me up again, even if i was just up 2 seconds before. it was pure hell. i was up for 3 hours i think CONVINCED due to paranoia that my car was going to become victim to tweakers.


i dont understand. a couple weeks ago i was content with life and the way i was living, and now. . . now i am a total emotional train wreck!! i mean, im not constantly crying, but i am constantly typing. wondering. thinking. dreaming. hoping. screaming inside. i type things, and delete them. i talk to myself ((no im not crazii)) acting out what i want to happen in my life ((which never will)). possibly i need a psych evaluation, but im sure most people in their lives go through this.


although, the last time, i was young and "depressed" even though i didn't know what life was. it was a hard time in my life. i was "in love" with someone far far away ((okay, 4 hours)) who i wasn't really happy with but i wanted someone to tell me they loved me.. ((sounds like a pattern to me)).. UGH!! im a dependant person.. thats it. i need help. damn. what to do NOW??!?!?!