that i had with eddie today.. its a text convo.. bear with the misspellings and poor grammar.. he isnt the brightest crayon in the box..
me: jenny wants me and konnor to stay the night and go to saturday market in the morning
him: i kenw it
him: i knew it
me: what
him: that your going to that
me: its at her parents househim: ya ducking right
him: why do you do this i dont know any one that has a girl friend and let them go stay the night at anyone house
him: you said you were coming home
me: dont get all pissy
him: why
me: shes my best friend. thats why. we wanna go early. thats also why. you shouldnt question the trust. i let you hang out with pot smokers because i TRUST you
me: why what
him: your REALLY going
me: uh. yeah. i dont think ill be spending any time with her in the next few days.
him: so
me: so
him: so i wont see you
me: yes you will
him: when
me: after work. gotta get konnor
him: i wanna do what we did this morning agein
me: k
him: your really staying at her house
me: yeah
him: pronges
me: huh
him: prom
him: when are you going to be back tomorrow
me: around noon or so
him: can i go play a tournament
me: yeah if you want. you may have to meet us at the aunt's house
him: what?
me: christmas at the aunt's house
him: tomorrow i know
me: yeah if your tournament goes too long then you may have to meet us there.
him: k call me
me: at 1230. my lunch
him: k
him: you love me
me: ya i love you
((((((an hour later))))))
him:you on brake ill call you k
me: ya i am
((((((15 minutes later))))))
him: you are seeing some one else
me: i think your crazy
him: you think i am just ok with it
him: i want you to show me where jen
him: lives
me: why?
him: you would wanna know
him: wanna meet them too
him: hello
me: you have issues. i dont do this crazy shit to you
him: i not stay the night at people place (peoples houses)
him: what you have anything to say
him: hello
him: hello
me: i have nothing else to say
him: why you dun
him: i love you alot and i care
him: you bakin up with me
him: you mad then
me: no. im working
him: i dont go stay the night any were
him: why can't i go too
him: i go then you can stay at my house
me: IM STAYING AT JENNYS PARENTS HOUSE! NOT HERS!
him: whats wrong with that
him: why cant i go then you can stay the night with me
me: im staying with jenny at her parents house. they dont let boys in the house for one. and two im staying the night!
him: why cant you do that what you going to the mountain
me: no WE ARE GOING TO STAY AT JENNYS PARENTS HOUSE!!!
him: you think you just tell me then i am ok with it
me: no i dont but oh well
him: what i say
him: what did i text you
him: why o well you dont care
me: you think you just tell me then i am ok with it. . . . . thats what you said
him: i dont like you staying at places
him: makes me feel like shit worry alot
him: why you not said anything
me: im working
him: baby
me: what
me: im sorry i was busy. shit. calm down.
him: you wanna get married
him: do you
him: hello do you or not
him: why dont you ANSWER?
him: you wanna get married
him: yes or nome: yes
him: will you marrie me
Friday, December 21, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
such a time its been..
there has been no update lately. for that, i apologize. My time and effort has gone into creating an online diary. Much more open and a lighter atmosphere. I can talk to people who read easily, and i have grown close to a couple people in my current situation in a short time.
Not that i will discontinue my blog here. I love my blog too much to ditch it. Christmas is coming, and changes are as well. For fear of who reads this, i won't say anything here. Just know that steps are being made to get to where i want to go.
Terrified as i may be, these changes are much needed. I am severly depressed right now, that i cannot deny. My heart hurts for many different reasons. Even through this hard time, i see Konnor needs me and his smiling face is something i cannot and will not deny. Those blue eyes are cutting into me right now as i type this as i stare at the picture of him on my desk. Well, the one of MANY!!!
I need support with the journey im about to embark on. Cheer me on, because if i do not come in first place in this race, losing will be a travesty.
More clarification to come. :-\
*.::me::.*
Not that i will discontinue my blog here. I love my blog too much to ditch it. Christmas is coming, and changes are as well. For fear of who reads this, i won't say anything here. Just know that steps are being made to get to where i want to go.
Terrified as i may be, these changes are much needed. I am severly depressed right now, that i cannot deny. My heart hurts for many different reasons. Even through this hard time, i see Konnor needs me and his smiling face is something i cannot and will not deny. Those blue eyes are cutting into me right now as i type this as i stare at the picture of him on my desk. Well, the one of MANY!!!
I need support with the journey im about to embark on. Cheer me on, because if i do not come in first place in this race, losing will be a travesty.
More clarification to come. :-\
*.::me::.*
Friday, December 7, 2007
Tonight is going to be a blast.. i am finally going to get away from everything for a night, and let loose!!! of course, it'll be and my partner in crime, Jenny.. and the plans are as follows...
- Go to her house after work, take a couple shots of jager.. or a jager bomb. who knows.
- Me, her, JC, rachel, dan, maybe dan's g/f, their friend jeff, maybe joy, and someone named matt are piling into three cars
- Jenny and i are going to fill something w/ jager to drink while we're gone
- UP TO THE MOUNTAIN WE GO!!!!
- do some drunken sledding
- come back to the house, and drink some more!!!
- maybe watch POTC3, that i bought the DAY it came out.. haha!!
These are all tentative plans ((subject to change)) w/ only the possibility of these people coming.. for sure its me, jenny, jeff, jc and rachel. And we are definately going to the mountain and jenny and i are DEFINATELY getting drunk!!! Lots of pics, lots of fun... and eddie is watching konnor. amazing right? most DEF!!!
I have more to talk about, but thats a diff post. till then...
*.::me::.*
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
ok ok a real update...
I think part of me has been dreading this update because it means i have to write about something other than my feelings..
Another part of me has been dreading it because i know it is going to take a long time to do it..
The biggest part of me doesn't wanna do it because i haven't felt up to doing anything lately..
Well, today is a new day!! I haven't been driven into the ground of depression today.. So i will update as much as possible before i go into my daily photobucket slump.........
The biggest thing on my mind right now is where Konnor is and who's watching him. Now my son is a very happy healthy child who will get along with almost anyone! I love that little squirt, and he has been doing FABULOUS with his current babysitter, who is eddie's brother's mother-in-law. Well her daughter, Eddie's brother's g/f, is due to have a baby this week. So they are taking two weeks as a sort of "maternity leave" to get the baby home and on a sort of routine, which is no big deal.
We just had to find another babysitter in the meantime. That proved to be a HUGE ordeal. Seeing as no one we know can watch konnor for almost two weeks. Except...... ((dun dun duhhhhhh)) His ex-girlfriends mother who does daycare for a living. Ugh. I DON'T like his ex girlfriend and would rather her mother not watch my son. The biggest problem is that its going to cost us... FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS!!! For 8 days of watching my child she is charging us $400!!!!!!!!!! Talk about taking advantage of someone in desperate need of a babysitter with little notice. I am outraged to say the least. I pay $125/week for daycare. That's it!!
Anyways, enough ranting on that. :) Dang, i don't even remember what else i was going to talk about. I am slipping into wanting to just browse photobucket. That's when i know i need someone to bring me up. Cuz i am falling. And here we go talking about feelings.
WAIT I REMEMBER!! ((trying so hard to not fall)) Konnor is into not wearing his diaper when he is wet or poopy. i think we are going to start potty training after he goes back to Tammy's ((babysitter)) .. I am going to buy him some pull ups and big boy underwear ((cars and sponge bob)). im sooooooooo excited!! We can tell he is going to catch on quick -- should be a breeze. He is a very smart little boy.
For Christmas, i am going to buy him some coloring books and crayons, and an ABC coloring book. Then, mommy and Konnor are going to work on writing his name. Partly because i want him to learn how to write his name, and partly cuz i want my tattoo!!! :-)
Speaking of that tattoo... This is how its going to go. The first time he successfully writes his name all by himself ((and its legible, of course)) i am going to save it. Then i am going to dig up his little handprints from the hospital and i am going to have them tattooed on me. Probably on my side. Why?? Cuz he is my little boy, and i want to preserve his littleness forever. A part of him will ALWAYS be with me. And it'll be soooo much cuter than carrying pictures.
Jenny is going to get her precious puppy ((pit bull)) Lucy's name and paw prints in the same way. Yeah, we are cool like that!! It will probably be 10 years before we ACTUALLY get them done, but its gonna happen!! Maybe we can have them done when we go on vacation in August ((CUZ YOU ARE GOING, JENNY!!!))
Okay everyone, i dont know what else i have now. gotta get back to work. bye for now!!
Loves,
*.::ME::.*
Another part of me has been dreading it because i know it is going to take a long time to do it..
The biggest part of me doesn't wanna do it because i haven't felt up to doing anything lately..
Well, today is a new day!! I haven't been driven into the ground of depression today.. So i will update as much as possible before i go into my daily photobucket slump.........
The biggest thing on my mind right now is where Konnor is and who's watching him. Now my son is a very happy healthy child who will get along with almost anyone! I love that little squirt, and he has been doing FABULOUS with his current babysitter, who is eddie's brother's mother-in-law. Well her daughter, Eddie's brother's g/f, is due to have a baby this week. So they are taking two weeks as a sort of "maternity leave" to get the baby home and on a sort of routine, which is no big deal.
We just had to find another babysitter in the meantime. That proved to be a HUGE ordeal. Seeing as no one we know can watch konnor for almost two weeks. Except...... ((dun dun duhhhhhh)) His ex-girlfriends mother who does daycare for a living. Ugh. I DON'T like his ex girlfriend and would rather her mother not watch my son. The biggest problem is that its going to cost us... FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS!!! For 8 days of watching my child she is charging us $400!!!!!!!!!! Talk about taking advantage of someone in desperate need of a babysitter with little notice. I am outraged to say the least. I pay $125/week for daycare. That's it!!
Anyways, enough ranting on that. :) Dang, i don't even remember what else i was going to talk about. I am slipping into wanting to just browse photobucket. That's when i know i need someone to bring me up. Cuz i am falling. And here we go talking about feelings.
WAIT I REMEMBER!! ((trying so hard to not fall)) Konnor is into not wearing his diaper when he is wet or poopy. i think we are going to start potty training after he goes back to Tammy's ((babysitter)) .. I am going to buy him some pull ups and big boy underwear ((cars and sponge bob)). im sooooooooo excited!! We can tell he is going to catch on quick -- should be a breeze. He is a very smart little boy.
For Christmas, i am going to buy him some coloring books and crayons, and an ABC coloring book. Then, mommy and Konnor are going to work on writing his name. Partly because i want him to learn how to write his name, and partly cuz i want my tattoo!!! :-)
Speaking of that tattoo... This is how its going to go. The first time he successfully writes his name all by himself ((and its legible, of course)) i am going to save it. Then i am going to dig up his little handprints from the hospital and i am going to have them tattooed on me. Probably on my side. Why?? Cuz he is my little boy, and i want to preserve his littleness forever. A part of him will ALWAYS be with me. And it'll be soooo much cuter than carrying pictures.
Jenny is going to get her precious puppy ((pit bull)) Lucy's name and paw prints in the same way. Yeah, we are cool like that!! It will probably be 10 years before we ACTUALLY get them done, but its gonna happen!! Maybe we can have them done when we go on vacation in August ((CUZ YOU ARE GOING, JENNY!!!))
Okay everyone, i dont know what else i have now. gotta get back to work. bye for now!!
Loves,
*.::ME::.*
history behind it all...
I choose to write of this because any of my readers who don't know me don't know the story behind the relationship. I think i need to open up and give some brief details as to what has got me where i am....
I pretty much have decided that the relationship i am in is no longer worth my time or my heart. It is cracking and breaking and shutting down more and more by the day. i fear that if i let this on for too much longer, any hopes of repair will dissolve into nothingness and no longer will i be able to love. Sad as this may seem, i find myself wondering how i am going to get through it all. No doubt i will, but will such a battered heart, will i be able to love again?
Considering all things, i also find myself wondering if this was all a sham. This is a most terrible thing to say, and i feel horrible in saying it, but i don't know anymore. Four years of a sham hardly seems believable, but just before i got together with him, i was in a relationship with my first love. True this guy was a disgusting cheater who broke my heart and left me cowering in a corner with my soul exposed and such heart at my feet, i still loved him. With all of those broken little pieces, even though my head was screaming at me to leave it be.
Eddie came to my rescue in the days following, for he knew. Me and this other guy were not yet broken up ((stupid me)) but he persuaded me that i deserved better and to take his hand. When i did, i felt a surge of life thru me, and in time, my heart was healed by Eddie. I had my guards up, and a couple weeks into the relationship, i broke it off. I was afraid, as any girl should be. It was too early for these feelings, and i didn't want to be hurt again. NO, i wouldn't have it.
A week later, we made up and got back together. To make a long story short, when i got pregnant, eddie wasn't ready for such a committment and left me for drugs. Sad to say, i know. He wanted me to get an abortion, but having one previously, it wasn't going to happen. He knew that and was still willing to risk the chance of my getting pregnant. His stupidity. We fought for weeks about if i was keeping it, and for a moment, i thought about it, to save the relationship. Obviously, his screaming, yelling, and plotting did nothing. I was strong and taking a stand.
Throughout my pregnancy and into the first months of Konnor's life, i tried to bring back the relationship that would make us a family. My strong will told me i shouldn't give up, even though my heart was again breaking before my very eyes. Had i been smarter, i would have realized that Konnor would have gotten along without him, he was afterall, too young to know better.
Thank goodness for Jenny. My once aquaintance thru Eddie's best friend, she had become my companion and best friend. Through thick and thin, for better or worse ((not to sound like we were married)). She had been dating Eddie's best friend, and that in itself was no roller coaster ride. We were being strong for each other more than ourselves. It was a miracle to have her around because in all honesty, i wouldn't have made it those months without her.
As i started to get over eddie, he pushed his way back into my life. Over and over i said no as he insisted we get back together. The weak heart inside of me was done screaming, and was now just a whisper telling me it couldn't take it anymore. Not once did i listen to my heart when i should have. It knew better than to let me forgive him. But i did. and we began the journey of "fixing things"..
Now, a year and a half later, i am wishing i never would have let him into mine and Konnor's life. In the beginning it was all peaches and cream, but now....... I hurt more and more everyday. And now its not just my heart that hurts, but my entire body!!! My soul even. I have to get my life straight, and get out of this situation before i dwindle to nothing inside.
Thank goodness for my support system, and you know who you are!!!
I pretty much have decided that the relationship i am in is no longer worth my time or my heart. It is cracking and breaking and shutting down more and more by the day. i fear that if i let this on for too much longer, any hopes of repair will dissolve into nothingness and no longer will i be able to love. Sad as this may seem, i find myself wondering how i am going to get through it all. No doubt i will, but will such a battered heart, will i be able to love again?
Considering all things, i also find myself wondering if this was all a sham. This is a most terrible thing to say, and i feel horrible in saying it, but i don't know anymore. Four years of a sham hardly seems believable, but just before i got together with him, i was in a relationship with my first love. True this guy was a disgusting cheater who broke my heart and left me cowering in a corner with my soul exposed and such heart at my feet, i still loved him. With all of those broken little pieces, even though my head was screaming at me to leave it be.
Eddie came to my rescue in the days following, for he knew. Me and this other guy were not yet broken up ((stupid me)) but he persuaded me that i deserved better and to take his hand. When i did, i felt a surge of life thru me, and in time, my heart was healed by Eddie. I had my guards up, and a couple weeks into the relationship, i broke it off. I was afraid, as any girl should be. It was too early for these feelings, and i didn't want to be hurt again. NO, i wouldn't have it.
A week later, we made up and got back together. To make a long story short, when i got pregnant, eddie wasn't ready for such a committment and left me for drugs. Sad to say, i know. He wanted me to get an abortion, but having one previously, it wasn't going to happen. He knew that and was still willing to risk the chance of my getting pregnant. His stupidity. We fought for weeks about if i was keeping it, and for a moment, i thought about it, to save the relationship. Obviously, his screaming, yelling, and plotting did nothing. I was strong and taking a stand.
Throughout my pregnancy and into the first months of Konnor's life, i tried to bring back the relationship that would make us a family. My strong will told me i shouldn't give up, even though my heart was again breaking before my very eyes. Had i been smarter, i would have realized that Konnor would have gotten along without him, he was afterall, too young to know better.
Thank goodness for Jenny. My once aquaintance thru Eddie's best friend, she had become my companion and best friend. Through thick and thin, for better or worse ((not to sound like we were married)). She had been dating Eddie's best friend, and that in itself was no roller coaster ride. We were being strong for each other more than ourselves. It was a miracle to have her around because in all honesty, i wouldn't have made it those months without her.
As i started to get over eddie, he pushed his way back into my life. Over and over i said no as he insisted we get back together. The weak heart inside of me was done screaming, and was now just a whisper telling me it couldn't take it anymore. Not once did i listen to my heart when i should have. It knew better than to let me forgive him. But i did. and we began the journey of "fixing things"..
Now, a year and a half later, i am wishing i never would have let him into mine and Konnor's life. In the beginning it was all peaches and cream, but now....... I hurt more and more everyday. And now its not just my heart that hurts, but my entire body!!! My soul even. I have to get my life straight, and get out of this situation before i dwindle to nothing inside.
Thank goodness for my support system, and you know who you are!!!
fellow bloggers
Upon browsing thru others blogs in the NW area, i have come to the realization that probably 60% of them have an interest in photography..
Which makes me wonder, what kind of photography?? just some point and shoot stuff, or are these people seriously trying to to make a living out of photography.. do they go out and take pictures in hopes of snapping that shot that will shoot them to the top?? or do they take pictures for friends and family of friends and family???
Just some random thoughts running thru my head this morning. Disaster hasn't struck in my life yet today, and i am in a fair mood. I should take that and run with it.
Meh, im at work, so i am not holding my breath. :)
Which makes me wonder, what kind of photography?? just some point and shoot stuff, or are these people seriously trying to to make a living out of photography.. do they go out and take pictures in hopes of snapping that shot that will shoot them to the top?? or do they take pictures for friends and family of friends and family???
Just some random thoughts running thru my head this morning. Disaster hasn't struck in my life yet today, and i am in a fair mood. I should take that and run with it.
Meh, im at work, so i am not holding my breath. :)
Monday, December 3, 2007
untold truths
if a certain someone found this blog, i wonder what would happen.
how angry would he be?
would he cry?
would he scream at the top of his lungs until his voice went hoarse?
what new things would he find to accuse me of?
one day i will tell him about it. not today. not tomorrow. not any day soon. but one day.
how angry would he be?
would he cry?
would he scream at the top of his lungs until his voice went hoarse?
what new things would he find to accuse me of?
one day i will tell him about it. not today. not tomorrow. not any day soon. but one day.
save me.......
I know i have said time and time again that i feel as if i am screaming at the top of my lungs in a crowded room, where no one can hear me. I think perhaps now i have degressed to something less in something more. Instead, i feel like i have been thrown into the icy cold atlantic, choking on the below freezing water, gasping for breath. All i am getting in return, however, is water in my lungs, and my body becoming stiff and frozen. I am breaking down from the outside in, or the inside out. i wish i knew, but i dont.
what can save me? who can save me? i dont have that answer. i am not entirely sure there is an answer at this point. all i know is im in too deep with where i am. i am about to hit rock bottom. i have to get out. soon. i dont want to be buried alive.
oh my gosh!! all these analogies. im a living breathing walking analogy. if that doesn't make me want to scream, there is a list of other things.
this blog has gone from talking about my everyday life to talking about how i feel. how has it come to such? i dont know. no i didnt post since wednesday, because i took a couple days off of work. i helped jenny move and we hung out. friday i was probably sincerely sick as my voice didn't want to cooperate when i talked, and i sounded like a 12 year old boy going thru puberty. no joke.
hmmmm.. i wish sleep would overcome me. im tired and worn out. yesterday was suppose to be a day of hanging out with eddie and konnor. it was a day of misery. fuck the world. and those who have turned their backs on me. when i needed them. because they couldnt handle who i had become. look at me now. im becoming stronger. and those who have stuck by my side and those who are joining my battle -- we will conquer this. i promise you. and i will be higher than i have ever been.
after time.
what can save me? who can save me? i dont have that answer. i am not entirely sure there is an answer at this point. all i know is im in too deep with where i am. i am about to hit rock bottom. i have to get out. soon. i dont want to be buried alive.
oh my gosh!! all these analogies. im a living breathing walking analogy. if that doesn't make me want to scream, there is a list of other things.
this blog has gone from talking about my everyday life to talking about how i feel. how has it come to such? i dont know. no i didnt post since wednesday, because i took a couple days off of work. i helped jenny move and we hung out. friday i was probably sincerely sick as my voice didn't want to cooperate when i talked, and i sounded like a 12 year old boy going thru puberty. no joke.
hmmmm.. i wish sleep would overcome me. im tired and worn out. yesterday was suppose to be a day of hanging out with eddie and konnor. it was a day of misery. fuck the world. and those who have turned their backs on me. when i needed them. because they couldnt handle who i had become. look at me now. im becoming stronger. and those who have stuck by my side and those who are joining my battle -- we will conquer this. i promise you. and i will be higher than i have ever been.
after time.
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