history behind it all...

I choose to write of this because any of my readers who don't know me don't know the story behind the relationship. I think i need to open up and give some brief details as to what has got me where i am....

I pretty much have decided that the relationship i am in is no longer worth my time or my heart. It is cracking and breaking and shutting down more and more by the day. i fear that if i let this on for too much longer, any hopes of repair will dissolve into nothingness and no longer will i be able to love. Sad as this may seem, i find myself wondering how i am going to get through it all. No doubt i will, but will such a battered heart, will i be able to love again?

Considering all things, i also find myself wondering if this was all a sham. This is a most terrible thing to say, and i feel horrible in saying it, but i don't know anymore. Four years of a sham hardly seems believable, but just before i got together with him, i was in a relationship with my first love. True this guy was a disgusting cheater who broke my heart and left me cowering in a corner with my soul exposed and such heart at my feet, i still loved him. With all of those broken little pieces, even though my head was screaming at me to leave it be.

Eddie came to my rescue in the days following, for he knew. Me and this other guy were not yet broken up ((stupid me)) but he persuaded me that i deserved better and to take his hand. When i did, i felt a surge of life thru me, and in time, my heart was healed by Eddie. I had my guards up, and a couple weeks into the relationship, i broke it off. I was afraid, as any girl should be. It was too early for these feelings, and i didn't want to be hurt again. NO, i wouldn't have it.

A week later, we made up and got back together. To make a long story short, when i got pregnant, eddie wasn't ready for such a committment and left me for drugs. Sad to say, i know. He wanted me to get an abortion, but having one previously, it wasn't going to happen. He knew that and was still willing to risk the chance of my getting pregnant. His stupidity. We fought for weeks about if i was keeping it, and for a moment, i thought about it, to save the relationship. Obviously, his screaming, yelling, and plotting did nothing. I was strong and taking a stand.

Throughout my pregnancy and into the first months of Konnor's life, i tried to bring back the relationship that would make us a family. My strong will told me i shouldn't give up, even though my heart was again breaking before my very eyes. Had i been smarter, i would have realized that Konnor would have gotten along without him, he was afterall, too young to know better.

Thank goodness for Jenny. My once aquaintance thru Eddie's best friend, she had become my companion and best friend. Through thick and thin, for better or worse ((not to sound like we were married)). She had been dating Eddie's best friend, and that in itself was no roller coaster ride. We were being strong for each other more than ourselves. It was a miracle to have her around because in all honesty, i wouldn't have made it those months without her.

As i started to get over eddie, he pushed his way back into my life. Over and over i said no as he insisted we get back together. The weak heart inside of me was done screaming, and was now just a whisper telling me it couldn't take it anymore. Not once did i listen to my heart when i should have. It knew better than to let me forgive him. But i did. and we began the journey of "fixing things"..

Now, a year and a half later, i am wishing i never would have let him into mine and Konnor's life. In the beginning it was all peaches and cream, but now....... I hurt more and more everyday. And now its not just my heart that hurts, but my entire body!!! My soul even. I have to get my life straight, and get out of this situation before i dwindle to nothing inside.

Thank goodness for my support system, and you know who you are!!!