Wednesday, October 10, 2007

for the one i lost....

Rebecca Paine
May 14, 1987-June 28, 1997
b/cuz you were taken from us much too young

oh man i remember our friendship like it was yesterday. we were great friends. the best of friends for a long time. we met in girl scouts. we were both "brownies". haha. i think that the older girl scouts must have made fun of us. But God knew what he was doing when he brought us to the same troop. I was terrified that first day, and i could tell that you were too. when i walked into Tammy's house for our first meeting, i saw you sitting on the couch. i immediately went and sat next to you. Yep, thats where it all started.

Ask if I remember when i found out you had Cystic Fibrosis, and i will tell you no. I remember seeing you get treatments on the nebulizer, and i remember when you had to have oxygen masks from time to time. And i remember that i was scared for you, especially when you got your feeding tube in. But i dont remember the first time i was told you were sick. We were too busy having fun for me to remember that minor detail. All i remember is how strong you were and how we always knew you'd beat it.

My biggest regret was my 10th birthday. The last one that you would ever go to. You sat on my couch most of the time while me and my other friends had fun in my bedroom. I neglected you, and to this day i feel horrible. Had i known you wouldn't be with us much longer, things would have been different.

when my mom told me you were in the hospital and not going to be with us much longer, i was devastated. you were my absolute best friend in the whole world. i broke down immediately and cried for the longest time on our couch, on my mom's lap. she tried to comfort me but nothing she could say or do helped.

we went to see you the next day. there was suppose to be a girl scout event but due to your fragile condition we cancelled it. when i got there your family was there. your dad was laying on the hospital bed with you, while your mom sat close by. i know that your grandma was there, among others. everyone was upset and i didnt know what to do. your mom called to me to come by you and i did. i was terrified. she explained that you were unable to recognize anyone. looking at you i started to cry. you looked at me and said my name. everyone was amazed. an hour later, i said my goodbyes to you, knowing that id never see you again. i had come to terms with it and was prepared for the worst, but the last thing i wanted was to leave your side.

i cried more that night, but when my mom told me the next evening that you had received your angel wings, not a single tear fell from my eyes. i asked god why he took you from me so young. i didnt see why he needed you in heaven when we all needed you here on earth.

in the days following your passing, i got really sick. looking back on it, i suppose it was more from grief than any bug going around. the girl scouts were to carry your casket from the viewing room to the main room, and we had to rehearse at your house one evening. i remember feeling terribly nauseous as my mom drove me to your house, and as i walked up the stairs to your living room, i threw up all over myself and the floor. thankfully your dad cleaned it up. everything in that house reminded me of you. i was so upset but when my mom asked if i wanted to go home i told her no and that i needed to stay.

come the day of your funeral, i was feeling better but i missed you so much. it was an open casket, which i wasn't expecting, and peering into it, looking at my best friend, lying there so peacefully, i lost it for the first time since i left the hospital. i remember the scent of your fragile body and can still smell it to this day. when i do i am convinced that you are standing by my side. when the 8 small girls carried your casket into the main room, everyone was in awe. if i remember correctly, holli and i were in the front, but i cant be sure.

due to your passing, your mom couldn't handle being w/ the girl scouts anymore. as a troop, we came to a decision to "Break up" (for lack of better term) after dedicating a patch, the forget-me-not flower, in your honor, on our vests (we were cadets then). it was then that the troop fell apart, we lost contact, and went our separate ways.

a little while later, our elementary school painted a mural in your honor. :) everytime i would walk in there i would get choked up and eventually cry. it was beautiful, and still stands, 10 years later.

I miss you Becky. i wish more for you to be here than i wish for you to be with God. There was only pain for you here on Earth, and that's why i am so at peace with you up there in heaven. I can't help but wonder if we would still be best friends if you were here. Or really, how you would be, what you would look like. All i can picture is my beautiful, 10 year old friend with bright blue eyes and curly blonde hair. :) I love you! i know soon we will be together in heaven and we can play again!!!


i'm not sure what inspired me to write this.
it has been 10 years since becky passed away,
but i still feel the pain of losing her
sometimes like it was yesterday.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

And now I'm in tears. This was so beautifully written and so amazingly sad.

I'll never understand why children have to get sick and taken from this world... ever.

I'm so sorry that at such a young age you had to experience such a heartbreaking loss (((HUGS)))