email to my BFF

written: Wednesday December 26th, 2007

you and i seem to be able to speak better thru words, not conversating over the phone, when we are unhappy.. here is me spilling my guts (and trying to remember what i was telling myself last night that i needed to say)..

when you said we haven't been on the same page for the last week or so, i definately agree. i have felt like we are just... blah. and i dont want you to take it like its all your fault, because it isnt.. its mine too.. i was, and still am, really sad about brian's going away party.. i really wanted to go, and felt sooooooooooooooooooooo left out that i couldn't. i know there was nothing that could have been done, and thats just that. but still you get this sense/feeling of abandonment. JC joking about me coming to make breakfast made me mad more than anything, which didn't help. i really wanted to hang out on sunday though, and hoped that you would call when you got up. i didn't receive a call and unfortunately the text message didn't go through either, so come the call when you said you were going shooting, again, the feeling of abandonment set in. i dont know why, but i do know that i just wanted to hang out.

continuing to christmas eve, which is when i originally thought we were doing the great exchange, i was sad that you had made plans. and quite honestly, when eddie started picking fights with me on christmas eve day and into the night, i had no desire to do anything but cry. and cry i did. so whatever call or text was not made is my fault. i was really upset with him. as a matter of fact, i wrapped all my presents, and got done at 2am. i played two rounds of halo when he came out and got mad at me. because i wasnt coming to bed yet. i cried myself to sleep.

my resentment followed into the next morning, when he got mad when my sister got me up to open my stocking. he was actually mad that i didnt want to lay down with him. eventually he got up, but he just wasnt happy. and he seemed upset i didnt stuff his stocking this year (which i told him i wouldnt).

and, because i couldnt say this with him hovering around me, he got konnor nothing for christmas. he didnt get anyone anything. i have a jacket from his work on hold, but thats really the extent of it all. i know what you are going to say, but please dont. these past few day are enough for me to realize that we have is nothing more than a.... lie, you might say.. friday cannot come any sooner.

speaking of friday, i dont know how its all going to play out. im terrified that he is going to come by your parents house just to see if im there. we can leave my car somewhere and you can take us in the morning, but there is still your car. and what am i going to do with konnor. i dont know. im terrified but i want to get this done and over with. i dont know. i dont know about anything anymore.

back to us though. i dont know where our miscommunication comes into play, but we suck at it. just recently. i dont know what BFF module got disconnected, but im thinking that we better fix it soon. i dont like us being like this, it makes me cry. like last night. i cried. i almost just drove to your house, but i was too tired, physically and mentally. i couldnt do it. then i dreamt that you went to the mountain with everyone, and i woke up from that dream soooooooooo pissed off at you. realizing it was a dream, i thought some more about what this email should say.

i am rambling, and im sorry. sometimes i just feel like you are so busy with all of your friends, and i dont have more than like 3 ppl that i hang out with. so i just feel left out. i shouldnt, i know, its something that happens in high school, but you are my BFF so it happens. :(

okay so i still feel like im rambling, and this email is much longer than i anticipated, so ill let you back to work. my lunch is at 1030 so if i dont talk to you before then, i will call you at 11.

~me~

p.s. im not mad at you. i wasnt last night. just frustrated. and with everything else, i got a little more angry that you didnt want to drive out here than i should have. had we stayed on the phone, i probably would have flipped. :( im sorry.
So that was the email i sent to Jenny. we had a big "blah" last night.. made me very sad...