this child of mine...

i continue to find strength and an ounce of happiness in keeping up with this blog. taking away from everyday life, and letting my fingers take me to a more joyful place is probably how i keep my sanity here at work. if they ever blocked this website, i would probably quit on the spot. i can't deal with customers' stupidity any more than i can deal w/ eddie's.

last night Konnor fell asleep on me again. I was laying on my side, completely pissed off at eddie, and konnor made sure i got my smooches and then laid his head on my shoulder, with his arm over me. i was facing away from him, and he must have been halfway standing. i didnt think he was asleep but rolled over and carefully laid him down, just in case. his little eyes were closed and he was sleeping soundly. i almost cried. i dont see how he could have slept like that, but he is so full of love, especially for his mommy. he can tell when mommy is upset, and tries with all his might to make me better.

I dont know what i'd do without him. everyday he smiles at me and loves me before i leave for work. i love waking him up in the morning to get him ready to go to Tammy's. when i get to work, his smiling face is beaming at me from my computer screen. I get to look at those gorgeous blue eyes whenever i want, whether it be picture or presence. it sucks that i cant be with him all the time. GAH!!!

Speaking of all this, he finished his first full week of daycare last friday. $125 out of my pocket, and a happy child, to say the least. It's just him, as far as kids go, but he loves everyone who is at that house, and they give him lots of attention. He is learning a lot of new words, and his speech is going to soar in a few months, maybe sooner. i can tell!! i also found this in a website about child development and milestones :

A Toddler Making a Tower of Blocks
Most kids have fun playing with blocks. It is doubtful that any of them realize that stacking blocks into a tower is actually an important developmental test. Making a tower of blocks is usually considered to be a visual-motor/problem solving milestone, and most kids can make a tower of:
2 blocks by 15 to 21 months
4 blocks by 17 to 24 months
6 blocks by 18 to 30 months
8 blocks by 24 to 36 months
9 blocks after 3 years

I am proud to say that my son made not one, not two, but three block towers of 12 blocks!! On #13, they would tumble. He easily makes it to 10 & 11. Now if only i could get him to talk way ahead of the game. :) its okay, i am proud of my little munchkin. He will be wise beyond his years, much like mommy. let's just hope he doesn't get daddy's temper.

end of daylight savings time

not only does it officially mark fall season, it marks rain. it means that no matter when i leave work, its going to be dark. Which means no more time for the park when i'm off at 4 with konnor. not to mention the rain is coming on thursday. its been pretty dry for the last couple of weeks -- unheard of in october for oregon.. it always rains on halloween -- not this year. it was wonderful. i only stand the rain because i know that means snow on the mountain.

its also a cold hard reality that the holidays are among us. that something i can do without, even though i am really excited. but for some reason the holidays bring me down. just there's so much to do, yet nothing at all. then the big christmas day comes, and i am relieved of all stress!!! i dont understand and i don't expect to ever understand. between the weather and how much i have to do, i believe that is the problem.

yes, as daylight savings times end, we no longer have warm lighted evenings after work, and have to bundle ourselves and children extra warm for the day. The temperatures are dropping. that i am ok with. i just hate the dark.

big savior. little child.

if i weren't so sad, you may be able to see a smile on my face
if i my heart weren't shattered, possibly there'd be some love 4 u there
perhaps i could cry some more and create the river
from the canyons that the pain has chisled into my soul
and then, maybe, i will drown from the sorrow and the pain
gasping for air as my head is held beneath the water
flowing with the river, as the darkness begins to take over
losing conciousness, unable to reach the surface
a small round face with big blue eyes appears before me
reaching out a tiny little hand, i reach back
the water drains, i cease to cry
the crevasis are gone, my soul is healed
my heart becomes whole, and i can feel it swell with love
the sadness is wiped away, and i smile.
one tiny little boy whispering "mama" has come to my rescue.



i. am. happy.

i hate today.

today is not a good day. i woke up in a good mood. i got konnor up and he was a bit fussy, but that, of course, had to do with the cold he's fighting right now. got us both ready and we left. took konnor to the babysitter's. he cried, cuz he knew i was gonna leave. so i sat on the floor and let him love on me.

Tammy said her son, Jason, saw eddie friday at the high school football game. fuck. this isn't happening. he neglected konnor and myself all weekend, and now to find THIS out. i think something is going on. actually, i am almost positive this to be a fact. i wanted to call in. i dont think i can deal with this right now. this is the second weekend in a row he hasn't spent time with his family. i have felt so alone. its normal, b/cuz we are suppose to be there for each other, be a team. there is no "i" in team. i guess there is in this one.

i texted him "FUCK YOU" and have yet to get a response. that was an hour ago. he's at work. im contemplating. his priorities are all fucked up, everything seems to agree on that. i dont know what else to do to get it through his head. i think i wanna be free. free to party or workout or talk to who i want to talk to.

my heart hurts, and konnor is the only thing in this world that makes me happy. he makes me smile, and is ALWAYS there for me. can't say so much about anything else in my life. konnor is my life. i work for him, i breathe for him, i drive 50 miles a day for him. so that he can be happy, have food & clothes, and have a happy life. i always smile when i see him, and can't really be unhappy when he is around. when i cry, he loves on me. he will walk right up to me and force me to let him hug me. he will give me smooches and pat my back until im okay. his love is so much stronger and purer than any adults. he is me and i am him.

i'll be okay. with or without eddie. only the end of day can show me where his heart lies.

**UPDATE** i brought pictures to work of halloween. i keep having to look at a pic of konnor in his ADORABLE dinosaur costume to keep myself smiling and continue the will to go on with work. i started at 8:30 a.m. and have no break until 11 a.m. its going to be hell.

Love -- Mine does not compare

Everyday i am amazed by Konnor's ability to absorb and comprehend what you tell him, or others.

most of all,

i am amazed by his compassion and caring attitude.

Just last night,

he gave me a kiss and turned and gave eddie a kiss.

He went back and forth for about 5 minutes,

just loving on us.

Then he wrapped his little arms around my neck and

squeezed.

then just laid there,

arms around me,

watching tv,

for the longest time.

he makes me happy.

i can't imagine what life was like b4 him.

Halloween thru my eyes...

hmmm, where to begin. i think my cheesy poem put it damn near perfect.. haha.. as far as the timeline.. so how about i just start with Halloween day, 2pm...

I got off of work, super excited. i drove to get Konnor, and Tammy was like "whoa, what are you doing here so early?" of course i told her the day before. hehe. she remembered it was Halloween, and all clicked. I should probably tell you that Jenny and i were up the evening before until 2 a.m. working on our costumes (which still were not done) and then had to be up at 5:30a.m. Soooo, needless to say, i was VERY tired.

Too bad Konnor already had his nap, cuz i wanted to go home and sleep. Kelly also called to remind me that we needed more from Wal-mart. Ugh. i think this is the first time i have NOT wanted to go to wal-mart. Oh well, whatcha gonna do? Had to get everything we needed for the
"party".

We get to wal-mart and are doing our shopping, and Konnor starts to cry. And he does that thing again, but this time doesn't pass out. Kelly grabbed him from the cart and held him to make him calm down. Thank god for Kelly, cuz i wasn't able to cope with it at the time - too tired plus just out of it. So i took care of caleb while she entertained konnor. THANK YOU KELLY!!!

Once the wal-mart schindig was over, we walked outside and put everyone in the car. Now, we realized at that point that there was something attached to Caleb's car seat. Something that Konnor wanted when we were in the store, and figured, since it would make him happy, that he could have it while in the store. Sneaky little shit. Haha. No seriously though, it was a balloon. I dont know HOW the cashier didn't see it or the greeters. Maybe same way WE didn't see it?? Dear god, we felt so bad. But of course we didn't take it back -- haha, i dont think so!!!!

Blah blah blah, 6 o'clock comes around, and its time to get the kids ready and go visit kelly's grandparents (on ben's side). Konnor is loving his dinosaur outfit, and i am loving that he loves it. We get there, and they try to say hi to konnor and love on him. Okay, thats NOT happening!!! He has met these people, once, maybe twice, and my son does not dig strangers. He will cling to me like glue-and he did. We did manage some pictures of him and caleb, but not enough to satisfy the mommy's, i dont think. Not having a digital camera really upsets me, because i am a picture taking fool. Can't do that if i dont have a camera.

Did i mention Kelly's PSYCHOTIC mother and her crazy brother came over too? oh my god, i hate her mother and her brother is just something else. Her mom wanted konnor to want her SOOOOO bad, and it was funny when she held him, and he slid himself right off her lap and came back to me. :) That's my boy!!

After we finally got out of there, Eddie called. Ugh. Eddie was sick the day before and on Halloween as well. So he calls me PISSED off because i am not with him and he doesnt feel good and wants 7-up. Okay, i tell him that we will get him his 7-up and come visit. He was not happy, but whatever. We got there and i went downstairs to visit his sick, grumpy ass. Gave him some medicine, which he said he couldn't find. Haha, it was on the bookshelf behind Chester's tank. So Kelly, konnor, caleb and i are getting ready to leave like 20 minutes later, and eddie decides he wants to go to my house. GAH! if this couldn't take any longer, we have to take caleb home to ben and go back and get eddie. And THEN, after that, we finally get to go to my house. blah.

Half an hour later, my halloween costume is finished, although i STILL hate it. I noticed when i first got to my house that Jenny seemed a bit grumpy. It made me sad and i was afraid that it was not going to be a good night. She took dalton to the store with her to get some candy (like she couldn't go trick-or-treating. lol) and by the time they got back, we were ALL ready to go out. As we walked out the front door, Konnor decides he is taking his stroller with him (he loves to push his little stroller). Well, we weren't about to argue, so Jenny, Kelly, Dalton, Konnor, and i headed down the street. Mind you it was about, 830 (i think), not many people had any candy, there were no trick-or-treaters out, and the streets were deserted. So we pretty much hit two houses (which konnor was not going up to the doors-hehe), and just walked around for awhile. Konnor was content with all of this, so it was good.

We got back to my house, and i was ready for a jager bomb. when i asked jenny when she was, she said "im kinda tired now" in a snotty voice. There was more to it, but i dont remember now. She was just being a butt. i woulda killed her had she really wanted to go to bed. I went into my room and told eddie that konnor was coming in to go to bed soon. He was just like whatever, and rolled over.

After putting konnor down, the drinking began. Jenny and i had a jager bomb while kelly took a shot of Malibu rum. 10 minutes later, we went round two, but this time kelly wanted a bomb as well. She hates jager, but we convinced her she would barely be able to taste it. Needless to say, she didn't like it much, so went back to drinking the rum. I think eventually, we had her taking two shots for our one bomb, which means she was consuming twice as much alcohol. WOW!!

Brian came over to spectate our eventful Halloween, but didn't seem to drink, which is probably better, b/cuz jenny and i were NOT sharing our jager. :) Although at some point, he did leave to get alcohol, but by that time i was too trashed to know he left. i do know that there were beer bottles the next morning on my counter, so he did go.

Anyways, rewind. After a couple ((4 i believe)) rounds of our shot combo, kelly and jenny decided they were STARVING, so they drug me to the store. We walked all the way to plaid pantry so they could get something to eat, which probably a half mile away. They ended up getting some burritos and while they heated them up i read the halloween jokes in the newspaper. Quite entertaining for me. Yes, we went in our cavewomen costumes. I didn't think i was that drunk when we were there, but now that i think of it, things were getting hazy.

We also had found a home for sale sign, which we left on our path, hidden, to pick up on our way home. When we did it, we had a brilliant idea to cover the "me" on home, so that the sign read "ho for sale", which jenny so beautifully held for all to see -- including a cop. He drove by with jenny holding that sign high and proud!! She disposed of it moments later, but thankfully the cop didn't care. I picked it up intending to take it home so we could take pictures, but was distracted by the car pulling up to us -- BRIAN!!

Now, we were quite upset that he hadn't come to find us before, or even offered us a ride when we left. So he was trying to get us to drive back, but we were like, 4 blocks away. i got in the back, laid down, and put my feet out the window. I think brian might have been trying to hit kelly or jenny, who were both walking, but only in a playful manner. We were at my house before i realized it, and i did NOT wanna get up. Had i been allowed the chance, i would have slept right there. But instead, i played wet noodle and poor Brian had to try to get me up. I got bored fast and went inside.

This is where things get fuzzy, so bear with me. There were many more rounds of drinking, and jenny kelly and i ended up playing "miss mary mack" "miss susie" and "down by the banks" while brian taped us. All of this happening on the kitchen floor. God i wish i knew how that all came about. Possibly rock, paper, scissors, but i can't be sure.

Many other things happened, but i don't know in which order. I remember being outside, and walking to the end of my street and sitting down. Jenny came and sat next to me and we started telling each other that we loved each other, and that we were best friends, and no one else mattered. Also that we were gonna be friends forever, and that now that jenny has a car, things are going to be different.

I also remember much trampoline fun, and playing duck-duck goose with my sister kelly and jenny on the trampoline. that was much earlier in the night, but i think later on we got back on and jumped. my legs dont hurt as much as they normally do after drunk jumping, so it must not have been the favorite thing to do that night.


James showed up a while later, and he was trashed. I remember him putting the tiara on his head, which i had put on my head a while before. Normally, that would not have been okay. At this point i knew i was at my limit, but Jenny said we had one more jager bomb before the jager was gone. I couldn't pass it up but i sure did want to -- i was very drunk, and so was she. I dont remember seeing much more of kelly, but i have a feeling she was not as trashed as we were. Again, i cant be sure.. haha

Much later, I went into the bathroom due to the massive spinning in my head ((no idea at what time)), and saw jenny in there. she quickly moved into the tub afraid of throwing up. i sat by the toilet but didn't think i would need to worry about throwing it all up. instead i closed my eyes.



The next morning, i wake up in my bed with no recollection of how i got there, or much of what happenend the night before. I laid in bed for a long time with my eyes closed, while Konnor was trying to wake me up. it was 8 something. ugh, too early i thought. my stomach was a bit queezy, but i paid no attention to it.

I threw up twice that day and felt like shit. what did i do?? how did i end up in my own bed?? did jenny and i really drink the whole fifth of jager to ourselves??

upon talking to kelly later, she told me this: she came in to check on me and jenny, and i got up saying that i was going to bed. She asked jenny if she wanted to go lay down at which jenny said something like "no, if i throw up in the tub its ok, but alex's mom will kill me if i throw up on the couch." And, believe it or not, that's where she stayed. until the next morning when my mom got up for work and found her there. My tub isn't big either. You cannot lay in it without curling into a ball. And it's cold. wet. dirty. EW....

All in all, we found that the night was a success. Thank you Jenny and Kelly for being AWESOME drinking buddies. And also to Jenny for being an awesome great best friend, adn you know you are. Thank you Brian who kinda watched over us, but for also being there. And to my gay lover, James, who i think should not have driven from Clackamas to come see us cuz you were TRASHED!!!! :) i love you guys!

all blogged out...

so much to tell
yet nothing at all
halloween's coming
its going to be a ball

gonna take Konnor
out to trick-or-treat
im sure he'll cry
at the ppl 2 meet

the drinking begins
after he goes to bed
yager bombs for us
but the next day we dread

much more to blog
after that day
so much to talk about
lots to say

until then
i bid thee farewell
im so excited
its gonna be swell

**this has to be the cheasiest poem i have ever written.. he he**

Halloween festivities...

On a lighter note from the last post, Halloween is

TOMORROW!!!!

Jenny and i are completely stoked!! We are extremely bad about procrastinating, and Halloween is proving to be no different. We are to be cave women, and are making our own costumes.. well well well, wouldn't you believe WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED!! yes, thats correct, we haven't started

Well i guess i cant completely say that. We went to Wal-mart yesterday and got the fabric and other little things we needed. The plan last night was to rush to wal-mart, rush home and get the show on the road. Anyone who knows us would laugh before i even told you that didnt happen. Lets just say when we DID get back to my house, we played sumo wrestlers. god, we are special.

Sooooo, tonight, is H-time. We are going to hopefully carve pumpkins and then get to the costumes! We both have pretty clear ideas as to what we want to do, but cant figure out HOW we are going to do it. :) hehe. this is why i love us soooo much. We suck at life, but together.

Konnor is going to be a dinosaur, which is why we decided on cave woman. we like to theme it up. i mean why should he get to go prehistoric and not take us with him?? hehe.

Then, after all is said and done, tomorrow is going to be AMAZING!! After taking konnor up and down the street, or around the block, Jenny, Kelly (i think), James (possibly), and i are going to get TRASHED!!!! I'm not talking like feelin a little tipsy, but im talking hammered. Jumping on the trampoline in our costumes, taking crazii stupid pictures, causing havoc kind of drunk. We can't be too loud, with the kids going to school the next day, but we are gonna have a wonderful time. Jenny is buying the Jägermeister, which is pretty much our favorite, then i am getting red bull, and yep, you guessed it. . . . jager bombs!!!! BOOYAH!!!! I am so stoked, i can't even explain it. We have to get another sort of alcohol for Kelly, cuz she doesn't do jager -- yet. bwahahahaha. Yeah, no it make make her sick, which wouldn't be cool at all.

I'm sure come thursday, pictures will be up here and on my Myspace. We are slightly excited.

:)

proud of being silly.

mommy's aren't that tough!

So.... Jenny, konnor, and i all ventured out to wal-mart last night for fabric for the cave women costumes (that's what jenny and i are going to be).. We are all tired, its 8 o'clock, and Konnor is probably a little more than fussy. We can handle it though, we always do.

In the fabric department we are looking for the right fabric, and accessories, while Konnor is pushing the cart around. This is one of his favorite things to do. Jenny and i get done with the fabric and are ready to head over to the makeup and Halloween isle, so we pick konnor up and put him in the cart.

bad idea.

He starts crying at the top of his lungs. And you know how kids draw in breath before letting out that horrific scream. Yeah, well the breath went in --- but nothing came out. I looked at him and he is sitting there, like he's trying to scream but like he's holding his breath. Then his lips turn purple. I pick him up and hold him as if he were a little baby. I'm saying his name over and over. It seems like an eternity. His lips are getting more purple, not like i thought that was possible. Then his eyes roll in back of his head, and I'm ready to burst into tears. I shake him a little and continue saying his name. His mouth is still open, mind you. Then he closes his eyes, opens them, and lets out a faint little cry.

I sat him up and talked to him, making sure he could hear me and would respond to me. He seemed a little dazed and drowsy, and just clung to me, still crying. This lasted about 5 minutes before he'd let me put him down. Then he just kinda walked next to me, which is weird for him.

A few minutes later, he was ripped, rearin, and ready to play. So we went to the toy department and played with some toys. We ended the wal-mart trip with tons of fabric, thread, and a balloon for Konnor.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

I'm thinking, and hoping, that this was just a breath-holding spell. Konnor really scared me, a lot, last night. i was very cautious and worried about him the rest of the night. Jenny was freaked out too, and is partially blaming herself, cuz it was her that picked him up before he threw the fit. I tried to tell her it wasn't, and i hope she believes that.

As a mother, you think only the worst when something like this happens. Could it have been a seizure, a stroke, something more??? Thousands of questions, and what ifs go through your mind, and races into the night. You get up to check on your child in the middle of the night, and put your ear close to their little face to make sure they are still breathing. i dunno. i was really on edge all night, and didn't sleep well. i kept dreaming about those horrific moments and they seemed so real!!!

Konnor has a doctor's appointment on Thursday, so i am hoping the doctor will be able to give me some answers. I'm sure he's gonna get shots. :( poor guy.

thinking. such a dangerous thing.

Let me let you just read about my everyday life.

Let me just open the door to my world.

Better yet, my heart.

You know, this is one thing that i have actually kept up on. I don't ever keep up with things. For example, Konnor's baby book, yeah right. What baby book anyways? HA! I do have most of his firsts in snapshot form, and could compile a book if i got a wild hair up my ass. Nah, i'd rather scrapbook it. About that.... No, that isn't up to date either. I dont keep up on his myspace, or mine for that matter. I don't keep my room or my car clean. I don't keep up on maintenance.

So why this blog? Why, since the middle of September, have i been challenged to write things down that i never have before? That i have never thought to share with anyone. Maybe its that i feel i can free flow here and not worry about anyone reading it. Well, anyone i know anyways. Maybe in some way this is therapeutic for me, and subconsciously i know that by writing, i am releasing angry, confused, frustrated, or hurtful energy. What if i didn't write? I mean, i don't feel different since i started writing. Perhaps a bit more emotional, or more willing to talk to people about things.

It's not like i just write everything down and then don't talk about things that should be addressed. Because i do. I talk to eddie about what bothers me and granted, that may end up in fights or arguments, i still open up. I try to open up to Jenny what bothers me as well. I mean, friday nights are our nights. I'm not completely upset that she went to hang out with other people. For christ's sake, i'm not her mom. I just know that it's our night, and i wouldn't hang out with just kelly and not her.

And then i was really looking forward to her watching the football game with me tomorrow. but she says she can't call in b/cuz they just fired 2 people for calling in. i understand that, and i am not calling her a liar, so don't take it that way. But if they are sooooooo short staffed to the point that one of their BIG companies are going to drop contract with them, why are they firing people who are hard workers?? i mean jenny works all the time, takes overtime when she can, and is a great asset there. Why would they fire her for calling in on a day when we both kinda need it?

I don't know. If companies were truly wanting to make their turnover rate go down, they would make their employees more happy. I know for a fact that part of a manager/supervisor's bonus is based on the turnover rate. Well, if your turnover rate sucks, so does the bonus. So, you would think, that firing people and making them unhappy would be something you would AVOID!! Perhaps i don't know the situation of the 2 who were fired, but it seems ridiculous to me.

Jenny i know you are reading this, and im sorry. its 2am and i can't sleep so i am just letting my mind tell my fingers which buttons to press to get this all out. Then, hopefully, sleep will overcome my will to type, and i will fall happily to sleep. After all, a full mind leads to dreams that are not so pleasant. And quite frankly, i like happy dreams. Or no dreams at all. *que corny line* although, "a dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep*

More later. Sleepiness is starting to make me drool. And i want to be asleep before eddie gets home from "poker". i think he's partying. ugh. that's something totally off subject

night.

i want...

i want the world, can you give it to me?
i want the moon, can you reach it?
i want heaven here, can you make it?
i want simplicity, do you know what that is?

screw the drama
screw the boys
screw the bullshit
screw everyday life

lets just runaway
come on, take my hand
we can just be gone
i promise it'll be okay

i want a day for myself
if not a day, maybe an hour
if not an hour, just a minute
if not a minute, how about a moment

i want people to understand me
to like me for me
to not judge me
to trust me.

i want the world.

aspiring photographer.

As a photographer, you learn many tricks along your journey to become great! What is a photograph? How does that differ from a picture? How do you get better? What makes up a great photograph? What are the rules of thirds? Should you develop your own film? What setting should you use? Is digital better than manual?

So many questions, with no more than a small bit of time to research. If you take pictures, you are not a photographer. Perhaps you are more like the paparazzi, snapping pics left and right. If you are a photographer, you surely cannot be a picture-taker, for you take much care with every open/close of the shutter.

I, myself, am the paparazzi. In recent months, i have regrouped with my old Pentax in hopes of becoming both the paparazzi and a photographer. There are only so many "photograph"s that one can get out of a paparazzi session. But, although rare, they do appear. Which is why i have been inspired and given myself the challenge for more photographs.

Peter Iredale near Gearhart, Oregon

Oregon beach

Konnor playing in the water(part of the ship wreck)

Konnor and Eddie watching each other

Konnor @ the beach



Oregon sunset. pic taken outside my house



Although all of these pictures are very special to me, the picture of konnor at the beach is nearest to my heart. What mother wouldn't choose their most precious
possession to be their child.
:)

The fist 3 pictures shown were all taken with my pentax K1000 while spending a day at the beach earlier this summer. The first picture portrays a shipwreck, and the love for it
comes from the angle of which i took it and the amazing colors of rust contrasted
by the bright blue skies beyond.

Picture number 2 captures my eye b/cuz of the distorted mirror imaging and the fading of the corners w/o me having to do anything but snap the picture. It would be nice if there were no people in the background. i suppose i could be witty and say that it was me and someone else, but nah... no need 4 that. just need a little photoshop.

The angle and pure innocence in picture 3 is miraculous. if you look closely into where konnor's hand is, you see that it's water he's playing in. this is actually part of the shipwreck from picture #1. The ripples in the water add a nice offset effect, and the angle offset angle of the background makes konnor more center of attention. This would have been a much nicer picture had my shadow not been in the way. Again, in need of photoshop to remove the man in the background.

The fourth picture you see is Konnor and Eddie looking at each other. This picture was taken with my older pentax k1000 with a non-working light meter. Despite this malfunction, i managed a good photograph of my two boys. The lighting is absolutely enticing in this picture. It helps to draw you right to the focal point even though they are not centered in the photograph.

My favorite, Konnor at the beach. Taken with a Kodak easyshare digital camera, I entitled this one "children will reinvent your world for you." Mirror imaging is a huge factor in this photograph, as that is what its about. Theres Konnor, smack dab in the middle, but you can see his reflection on the wet sand. There is the sky and clouds, both with reflections. Directly in front, you see the ocean waves rolling and crashing. It's not like i need to give you much more of clarification as to why this picture is titled what it is.

Last, but certainly not least, is the sunset. Taken from the front door of my house, i captured this image with an old Nokia cell phone camera. Pretty amazing, right? I don't have much more to say about this one. The lower clouds absorbed the brilliant lighting much more and made a "cloud" effect. The trees in front of me are silhouetted to make a great foundation for this picture.

Animals. . . A secret keeper

Isn't it astounding how an animal can be one's best friend? They will keep any secret, tells no lies, and never be too tired of hearing you talk. They take it all in and never let it out. They are compassionate and sense when you are upset. If you cry, they will be right by your side. With them, you are never alone. In a rough patch of life they will help you through, and mysteriously they know when you don't need them anymore, and they pass on. It may be childhood, the loss of a child, or divorce. Whatever the case may be, they are there. Every moment of every day for you, the ones they are loyal to and love. With every bit of them, they trust you. You should deserve such loyalty. Talk to them, love them, and treat them with the dignity and respect they deserve. After all, you never know when your secret keeper with leave you.

hahahaha!

so my post yesterday that pretty much consisted

of angry rants about not having a charger for my
camcorder pretty much rocked my socks..

you see, last night, i got so fed up with not having
it that i actually MADE eddie help me look in his
room for it. Now i know for a fact it was in there
cuz that was the last place it was seen. We searched
high and low EVERYWHERE for that thing for
almost 1/2 an hour. I was about ready to give up,
but saw Eddie looking in the storage under the fish
tank. I helped him look, and, low and behold

THERE IT WAS!!!!

Staring me right in the face. How could

i not have seen it before?! i have looked

in the same bag probably 5 or 6 times,

not ONCE seen it at all! I was sooooooo

excited, i kissed it! you see i need my

camcorder for Konnor moments and,

for the mountain.. to capture all those

tree hitting experiences and wipe outs.

So. pretty much all i wanted

to convey to all you lovely

people that i found my beloved

charger and i soon will be enjoying

life with my camcorder.

$@(&^%# CRAP!!!

I WANT A

>> ***CHARGER*** <<

FOR MY FREAKING CAMCORDER!!!

I BOUGHT THIS THING FOR A GOOD CHUNK OF MONEY, AND NOW I CAN'T USE IT BECAUSE MY ORIGINAL CHARGER IS LOST!!!!

:(

AND, you cant charge it via the computer cuz it isn't capable of it.. ugh!!! I can find a charger online if i wanna pay

SIXTY DOLLARS!!!!

EFFFFFFFFFFFFF THAT!!!! STUPID EBAY!!!

a weekend of unfortunate events

**FRIDAY**

"I don't think I'm going to make it today. i don't feel good"

This is what i heard first thing i heard when gram walked in the front door Friday morning to watch konnor. Okay, i thought, as i walked out the door, she always has something wrong, so this will be no big deal.

Halfway to work, i realized i forgot my phone, and knew this would turn into more than a no big deal sort of thing. thank goodness konnor was asleep when i left. I walked into work, and texted the home phone, which i know will-eye or cydney *my bro and sis* would answer, and told them to let gram know i did not have my phone and to call mom if she needed anything.

I went through the first few hours of the day almost as normal. In the back of my head, i worried what was going on for one reason. she said she was having chest pain. About 11:30 my mom comes racing over to me, telling me to leave, that i have to go now, go get konnor. **BAM** the panic kicked in and i was off! i made it home in 30 minutes (good for me) and was half expecting to see an ambulance sitting at my house getting ready to transport Gram to the hospital. a small sigh of relief escaped my lips when i saw there wasnt.

When i got inside, gram was sitting on the overstuffed chair, wrapped in a blanket and looked rather pale. Konnor was dumping his toys out of his basket all over the floor, but seemed a little more excited to see me than normal. :) Which made me very happy. We sat around for a half hour or so before gram got up and got dressed and announced we needed to go to the ER.

About 20 minutes later, we arrived at the Portland Adventist E.R. Now let me tell you something, they were doing construction, and it was the BIGGEST bunch of bull s**t ever!!!! There is a narrow path up to the ER and then there was this "free valet parking" (no tips accepted). Well even if there were, i wouldn't have given them any. THEY WERE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND!! so gram just went in and konnor and i went to find a parking spot in the front of the building.

By the time we parked the car and went back to the ER, Gram was already back in the exam room. So konnor and i went for a little car ride, he fell asleep, and i got a bite to eat. Then, we went back to the parking lot of the hospital and slept in the car for nearly two hours. I kept getting woke up by phone calls, and text messages making sure everything was okay. thank you everyone who was concerned and checking up on us! :)

Konnor woke up, and we went to check on gram (it had been almost 3 hours at this point). We went up to the desk at the ER and let them know who we were looking for. They checked it was okay for visitors, and we went back. She looked very tired and frail, and the sight of Konnor almost made her cry. He was terrified cuz she had oxygen and IV's. The cardiologist was in there and let us know she would stay overnight and need possible surgery in the near future. After about 10 minutes, we left because Konnor was halfway freaking out over the hospital room.

**SATURDAY**

Seeing as how Friday was not a good eventful day, we had hoped that Saturday would be better. Eddie's brother and his girlfriend are due to have a baby the first week of December. So this weekend was her baby shower. They are expecting a girl, so i was THRILLED to shop for pink and purple cute stuff. (hehe, i will love to have a little girl someday)

Konnor was asleep when I left for the store to pick up the bag and card and other little tidbits i needed for the perfect present. As i was leaving, i texted Eddie to get konnor up and give him a sandwich and to change his clothes. Should have been easy enough. Well i got home and found a different sort of situation in the making.

Indeed, Konnor was getting changed. But mom was just getting out of the shower and Darlisa was over. No biggie. I start wrapping the presents with baby receiving blankets (ingenious, thank you mom). All of a sudden i hear my mom and eddie talking and she yells "no that does NOT fu**ing work for me." oh god, its all hitting the fan now. Eddie looks at me (and mind you, its 1:50 pm) and says we have to start cleaning the house. why, you ask? well, due to the recent events that transpired on friday, my uncle is coming down from Seattle. ugh. what more could we ask for. so EDDIE and I (me) cleaned the living room, kitchen, hallway, dining room, before we could go anywhere. and lets just say that my mom dried and flat ironed her hair before cleaning the bathroom.

I was so livid, that i was throwing things around, pissed because this couldn't have waited two hours, after the baby shower was over. i texted Aaron (baby's daddy) at quarter after two and apologized for our tardiness. Eddie, thank goodness for him :), did all of the living room pretty much, while i washed dishes. It was a valiant effort, and we were out the door by like 2:30 p.m. Let me just say i cried after we left because i was so freaking frustrated!!

(Just as a side note, and i apologize to jenny for putting this in here, but it made my day worse.. at about 11:30 am sat morning jenny broke off our plans to drink that night because a semi-mutual friend, heather, made an idiotic decision and was depressed about it. so among everything else, i wasn't getting drunk Saturday night like i wanted, and probably need. haha)

Anyways, we got to the baby shower, and Konnor was immediately the CENTER of attention. Everyone wanted to see him, hold him, look at his cute little white spot. Dear god, people FLOCK to that child. Love him dearly, but i get embarrassed, cuz it wasn't his day. It was Tiffany's day. And her brother was taking pix of my son instead of pix of her opening gifts! my gosh. i thank god that everyone loves that kid so much. lol. otherwise, i probably would have never been invited to another family gathering. hehe.

So after the baby shower, we went back to hang out with Tiffany and the fam. No big deal. We are talking, laughing, checking out her loot. Konnor, is of course, being a little shy like always. He is playing with his PINK balloon -that, i have to add, he took into wal-mart with him earlier- and Jason, Tiffany's brother, is teasing him. No biggie. ha. except there are a group of three other balloons attached to this GIANT baby foot balloon. So he pulls that down next to Konnor, and i kid you not, Konnor got the most terrified look on his face before he started BAWLING! aha. he was seriously so terrified of this thing, that he would watch it for like 5 minutes at a time before going off to play. it was cute.

A little while later, i realized that konnor had run off somewhere. no biggie though, cuz there isn't alot for him to get into. i figured he was bugging Jason again and Jason would tell me if Konnor was getting to be too much. Well, a couple minutes later, Konnor walks into the living room with stuff all over his brand new shirt and on his hand. Damn it, he found some chocolate, is what i thought. But, being a mom, i knew better than to guess, and i grabbed his hand and smelt it. Stupid idea. Seeing as it was CAT POOP!!!

Oh yes, Konnor had found his way to the litter box, and decided that he might try it out. Luckily the damage was confined to only his shirt and hand that was easily washed off. He was pretty proud of himself, and i pretty much threw up in my mouth. After that, we sealed the door to the litter box so that he could no longer reach the kitty rocha. I am so thankful he didn't think it was food because i would have definitely thrown up!!

**SUNDAY**

Sunday started with Eddie leaving for a frisbee golf tournament. I vaguely remember him telling me he loved me and leaving. I was like the living dead - so tired from the night before. Thankfully, so was Konnor, and neither of us woke up until almost 9am.

We got up, got dressed, and left the house. I had told Kelly the day before that she was all mine and she agreed, but come 10am, when Konnor and i were ready for the day, Kelly was still asleep (big shocker-NOT!!) So Konnor and i went to Shari's for some breakfast so he wouldn't start throwing a fit.

I must first say that i love my son dearly. He loves to eat with utensils, just ask anyone who has gone out to breakfast, lunch, or dinner with us. Once the silverware hits the table and we are seated, he has them. You must be very quick or they will be his and you will eat with your fingers.

Well Sunday morning, Konnor decided HE wanted to eat with his fingers. No biggie though. They delivered the breakfast platter to us, which consisted of pancakes, eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, and sausage. WAY TOO MUCH FOOD i hafta tell you. But i can never tell how much my kid will eat. haha. So we are eating, and he is on my lap (b/cuz thats where the food is) and all of a sudden i see a HUGE dunk of a piece of pancake into the syrup and him yanking it out, syrup dripping everywhere! Its headed for his mouth, and i have NOTHING to catch the extra syrup that is inching towards the two of us. What is a mother to do??? Why, use her hand, of course. YUCK!! i had probably a tablespoon of syrup in my hand, while Konnor is happily munching away on the pancake.

Now, if you know me, you know that instead of soda, i drink water at almost all meals when at a restaurant. Not Sunday morning. Nope, i decided with soda. So here i am, with a ton of syrup and only a napkin to wipe it off. Yeah, so let's think about what would happen if i wiped syrup off myself w/ a napkin. Yeah, napkin on my hand. Even more disgusting. Thankfully the waiter (who got a better tip for this) came up and asked if everything was okay. I said yes, and asked for a glass of water. He was back in a flash and i submerged my hand into the cold, icy water while the couple across the way watched. I'm sure they were highly amused because Konnor continued to eat happily as i cleaned up.

If you think that is the worst, you are wrong. I finally did get ahold of Kelly and we went to wal-mart (yeah i know i was there saturday, but im obsessed). So kelly and i are at wal-mart shopping for nothing we need and everything we want, and start to smell something foul. I sniffed her son, Caleb's butt, and it wasn't him. I didn't need to whiff my son to know that the odor was coming from him. He started grunting, and i knew he wasn't done. We just giggled, knew we had about 10 minutes before Konnor started getting grumpy, and finished shopping.

All of a sudden, and it happened so fast, Kelly said eww, i walked over, konnor started crying, and i threw up in my mouth. Konnor had poop coming up out of the top of his diaper, onto his back. He had poop on the cart, which was the worse. Thankfully Caleb had a blanket, which i wrapped around konnor, and we took off like a bat out of hell through the aisles and outside to the car. I was carrying him football style, and he was crying. People must have thought that i was kidnapping him from his own mother. I thought in my head, i dare someone to stop me. They'll be sorry. haha.

Fun-filled weekend for Alex.

WEEEE HAAA!!

:)

the snow is coming...

these are pics today of ski bowl on mount hood!! i cannot express to you just how happy this makes me.. :) i want to jump out of my skin right now and run up the mountain and just lay in it.

along those lines, jenny and i were talking about how wonderful it is here in oregon. i mean, we have the beach an hour and a half to the west, and we have the mountain an hour and a half to the .. . .. . .. well, 1.5 hrs away anyways.. hehe.. not to mention we have a river to play in when we can't get away to the beach and we have cold wet winters to bundle up in to remind us that we are not far from snow..


we don't get snow here on the valley floor very often, so we enjoy the mountain more than anyone knows.. we try to get up there just about every other weekend, and dont care if we are deprived of sleep if it means sledding down a hill, hitting a tree, and nearly breaking our backs (haha, that ones a loooong story). theres just something about the mountain that makes us all warm and fuzzy inside..

so just give me a tank of gas, a pomegranate rockstar, a scarf, some gloves, snow pants, and a sled, and up to the mountain i go. Taking my mind off life, work, and what makes me unhappy. The fresh mountain air and the thrill of riding on a small disc down a big hill can make a girl forget about everything.

what did i do to deserve this?

I HATE WORK!!!

Seriously, do i deserve to be treated like the scum of the universe? is it really my fault that these IDIOTS dont pay their bills, get disconnected, and get charged a deposit?? I DONT THINK SO!! And do you really think you can call us and yell at us because you dont know how to read a freaking bill???? ahahaha. honestly. i would MUCH rather be at home raising my son then dealing with these fucking ass holes!! im so angry right now i am shaking. if it isnt one thing its a freaking nother!!! seriously, take a class on how NOT to be an idiot and then call us!!!! ugh, alex can not deal with this.. i wanted to hang up on this bitch sooooooo bad but couldn't because we have "morals" at my work.. pfft.. she got away with it. if only i could call her back when i leave. oh yeah, i'd tell her what an IDIOT she is. bwahahahaha. sweet revenge. just grin, and bear it though, right? i mean i only have 38 minutes left before i can be happy and start my daily routine of after work decontamination. it will go as follows:

• shut down my computer (my heart starts to race)
• walk out to my car and supress the urge to scream
• get in my car, shut the door, and scream "YES!"
• take a deep cleansing breath
• feel my whole body relax
• drive home (generally back roads to keep the stress to a minimum)
• on the way home, listen to music and sing a little too loudly
• pull up to the house and take another cleansing breath
• walk in, and see my son...

then, its all over. work is something i no longer think about. seeing that smiling face running up to me, wanting to play is more than anything i could EVER ask for. if it weren't for him, i'd still work at Taco Bell (less money but more fun) but i'd not be so happy to see someone. I wouldn't change a damn thing, thats for sure!!

ahhhhhh... i feel much better and can get back to work now.. thank you for this mini retreat!

an aquaintance then.. a best friend now..

a walk in this world
and you will know
all the troubles of life
that one can bestow.

if only for a moment,
what can take us away?
a special place, a thing
or a person to say it'll be okay?

a person, of course
a best friend in fact
cuz when you have that bond
its like you make a contract.

you wipe away the tears
you laugh away the pain
you get happy when your mad
and you take a walk in the rain.

of course it isnt perfect
thats not how its designed.
flaws bring us together more
than perfection could ever find.

we drink more than we should
and talk much too loud
we know that we are crazy
thats why we're proud

proud to be friends
proud to be "whores"
proud to make fools of ourselves
in the wal-mart stores

........ yeah, im stuck now..... more on this later.....

the weekend of interesting events

Friday evening i left at 6 *(ugh)* and picked jenny up from her house. We knew we had 3 bottles 1/2 full of alcohol, but were not impressed as to what was on our drinking list.

• grape vodka
• regular vodka
• peach schnapps
  

Now, mind you, vodka does NOT settle well with me, and the peach schnapps is wayyyyy way way sweet. So lets keep this in mind as i tell you the tale of our evening.

We got to my house, and thankfully, gram left soon after. Konnor and i played and laughed and loved life for an hour or so before eddie got home, with 4 of his friends. "baby i wanna go play poker. lend me $20?" ugh, whatever. we found out he got a job that he starts today so he'll pay me back soon anyways. well, thank goodness we hadn't started drinking yet, so we "raced" him to the store to get money. me, jenny, and konnor lost ONLY because this idiot couldn't drive. ugh.

Anyways, i call kelly who had been texting me asking if we were drinking. At first i didn't know if we were going to do it with what alcohol we had. So when jenny and i decided we called her. 1/2 hour later we picked her up at her house and went back to mine. Konnor was pretty much asleep at this time, so i just laid him down and got no fussing what-so-ever. just sleep. :)

YAY!! LETS GET DRUNK!!

This is the 3 of us prior to consuming any alcoholic beverages.

When we realized (a couple shots later) that we were going to run out of alcohol, we frantically started calling Eddie. We needed him to drive Jenny to the store for beer or wine coolers or SOMETHING! He wasn't having it. even though he was done with poker. UGH. WHATEVER!! so we jumped on the trampoline for a while, and felt like fools.

Then we went back inside to unfortunately, finish what alcohol we had left. Then we got onto the subject of Jenny's ex, Billy. The one that Kelly slept with ,and told me about. And i told Jenny and well let's just say i was terrified they were gonna brawl in my kitchen. haha. but they were totally cool about it, and bashed him for quite some time. it was very relieving and i think healing for the two of them, seeing as they used to be quite close.

The pic on the left is Kelly pushing me down as we are jumping. haha. The one on the right is me and Jenny posing for the camera. Too bad i kinda cut Jenny's face off. SORRY DOLL FACE!! I really didn't mean to. :)

So after the alcohol was gone (yes gone. which never happens) we decided to take crazy pictures. and this is what we came up with..........

our tounges ALMOST touched! V

^me and jenny super hotties!

so i am not even sure what to
caption this one. we all look like freaks except kelly who looks
like she's havin a baby V

<--eww her finger was up my freaking nose!!! hahaha










Jenny totally looks like a freak and i look
like i was being forced ----------->

After all was said and done, and we got bored/tired and degraded from tipsy-drunk to buzzed, we went back into the house, and flipped on Halo2. yea thats about when Kelly passed out and Jenny and I played for a couple hours. Come 3 a.m. eddie got home with his friend Zach, we played a little longer, and went to bed.

All in all, the night was good. we didnt get nearly as trashed as we had hoped, but we had a good therapy session and have almost solid plans as to what we're going to be for Halloween. We have also decided that Halloween we are going to get SUPER trashed and that one day we may be able to become the "fearsome threesome". Wow i think i have mixed feelings about that. It sure would be awesome but i don't know if i wanna share my Jenny. :( it's hard enough drinking with other people. im possessive in a way i guess. but she's **MY** best friend. :) i hope if she's reading this, she knows that!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

oh yea, and just in case you didn't hear,

OREGON DUCKS:

53

WASHINGTON:

7

it's a darn shame for Washington State.

They just knocked the ducks to the no. 7

rank in the college AP 25. that's the

highest they have been since 2005,

when they were in the no. 6 spot.

!!!!!!!!**BOOYAH**!!!!!!!!

hopes 4 tonite

Alright, since i have come up with the game plan to get rid of my car in order to be able to spend more time with Konnor, i have been a little more at peace w/ work. and by a little i mean maybe 5% more. This week was customer service appreciation week, so they spoiled us with food and drink all week, so that was nice. But still I am stuck here until 6pm and grumpy about that.

Last night when i got home, Konnor was soooo cute! The last couple of days he has this new thing. I think it's probably because he can sense i have been so upset the last few days. Anyways, he came up to me, let me pick him up and hug him. As i went to put him down, he just clung onto my neck, like he didn't wanna let go. That in itself is bizarre cuz he doesn't really like mommy lovin's much. So i sat on the couch and he held those little arms around my neck just hugging me! then he took one of his hands and patted my back, as if he were telling me "mommy, its okay" :) it made me feel sooooooooo good! Little guy is so sweet. I honestly can say that i dont know what i would do without him. I almost didn't keep him but thats another story. :) I also tell him now that i love him to infinity and beyond. he likes toy story and kelly and i dedicated the song "you've got a friend in me" to him and his best friend (her son) Caleb. they are cute. this is them camping. konnor was concerned about caleb cuz he was fussing :)

back to the purpose of my blog. as you are well aware, today is FRIDAY!!! well Jenny and i wanna drink. i hope we can. kelly wants to as well. the funny thing is that i have about 4 half-empty bottles of liquor. yeah, we have grape vodka, reg. vodka, some peach schnapps, and i think my mom has gray goose vodka. yikes!!! and i dont even like vodka!! haha.

Jenny and i always do theme night when we drink. and it turns out if we try to PLAN the theme, it never works. buttttt..... if there is no planning involved, it always happens. i think i wnana put my hair in pig tails and then braid them. haha. it can be young-looking drinking nite. fun!! It isn't suppose to rain tonight, so drunken trampoline is on the list of fun (like it always is). Also, we are going to try some drunken Halo2. I already look drunk playing it, so that will be very interesting. haha!

one other thing before i leave you for the weekend...

GO DUCKS!!!!!

They are playing

Washington State

this weekend.

mobile blogging

Hey all just got my mobile blog capabilities up and going. Now i can blog from anywhere! Ha ha what a loser. But i can send pics to my blog. Its super cool! I'm tired this evening, just waiting for eddie to get home so we can go to bed. Wow what am i saying, its only six oclock! He he. On another note, my grandma is being a fat bitch. Wow thats no news. She just said she's going to bed. Meaning she's leaving. Yay! Some peace. Meanwhile konnor is shoveling food in his mouth at the table. :) he eats when he wants. Oops he just dropped a piece of food on the floor so she has to clean it up. God just LEAVE already. Gotta go play moderator. Good night to all my non existent readers. (if you are there, let me know) :) sweet dreams. And the pic is old school but just too cute. :)

for the one i lost....

R.I.P.

Rebecca Paine

May 14, 1987-June 28, 1997

b/cuz you were taken from us much too young

oh man i remember our friendship like it was yesterday. we were great friends. the best of friends for a long time. we met in girl scouts. we were both "brownies". haha. i think that the older girl scouts must have made fun of us. But God knew what he was doing when he brought us to the same troop. I was terrified that first day, and i could tell that you were too. when i walked into Tammy's house for our first meeting, i saw you sitting on the couch. i immediately went and sat next to you. Yep, thats where it all started.

Ask if I remember when i found out you had Cystic Fibrosis, and i will tell you no. I remember seeing you get treatments on the nebulizer, and i remember when you had to have oxygen masks from time to time. And i remember that i was scared for you, especially when you got your feeding tube in. But i dont remember the first time i was told you were sick. We were too busy having fun for me to remember that minor detail. All i remember is how strong you were and how we always knew you'd beat it.

My biggest regret was my 10th birthday. The last one that you would ever go to. You sat on my couch most of the time while me and my other friends had fun in my bedroom. I neglected you, and to this day i feel horrible. Had i known you wouldn't be with us much longer, things would have been different.

when my mom told me you were in the hospital and not going to be with us much longer, i was devastated. you were my absolute best friend in the whole world. i broke down immediately and cried for the longest time on our couch, on my mom's lap. she tried to comfort me but nothing she could say or do helped.

we went to see you the next day. there was suppose to be a girl scout event but due to your fragile condition we cancelled it. when i got there your family was there. your dad was laying on the hospital bed with you, while your mom sat close by. i know that your grandma was there, among others. everyone was upset and i didnt know what to do. your mom called to me to come by you and i did. i was terrified. she explained that you were unable to recognize anyone. looking at you i started to cry. you looked at me and said my name. everyone was amazed. an hour later, i said my goodbyes to you, knowing that id never see you again. i had come to terms with it and was prepared for the worst, but the last thing i wanted was to leave your side.

i cried more that night, but when my mom told me the next evening that you had received your angel wings, not a single tear fell from my eyes. i asked god why he took you from me so young. i didnt see why he needed you in heaven when we all needed you here on earth.

in the days following your passing, i got really sick. looking back on it, i suppose it was more from grief than any bug going around. the girl scouts were to carry your casket from the viewing room to the main room, and we had to rehearse at your house one evening. i remember feeling terribly nauseous as my mom drove me to your house, and as i walked up the stairs to your living room, i threw up all over myself and the floor. thankfully your dad cleaned it up. everything in that house reminded me of you. i was so upset but when my mom asked if i wanted to go home i told her no and that i needed to stay.

come the day of your funeral, i was feeling better but i missed you so much. it was an open casket, which i wasn't expecting, and peering into it, looking at my best friend, lying there so peacefully, i lost it for the first time since i left the hospital. i remember the scent of your fragile body and can still smell it to this day. when i do i am convinced that you are standing by my side. when the 8 small girls carried your casket into the main room, everyone was in awe. if i remember correctly, holli and i were in the front, but i cant be sure.

due to your passing, your mom couldn't handle being w/ the girl scouts anymore. as a troop, we came to a decision to "Break up" (for lack of better term) after dedicating a patch, the forget-me-not flower, in your honor, on our vests (we were cadets then). it was then that the troop fell apart, we lost contact, and went our separate ways.

a little while later, our elementary school painted a mural in your honor. :) everytime i would walk in there i would get choked up and eventually cry. it was beautiful, and still stands, 10 years later.

I miss you Becky. i wish more for you to be here than i wish for you to be with God. There was only pain for you here on Earth, and that's why i am so at peace with you up there in heaven. I can't help but wonder if we would still be best friends if you were here. Or really, how you would be, what you would look like. All i can picture is my beautiful, 10 year old friend with bright blue eyes and curly blonde hair. :) I love you! i know soon we will be together in heaven and we can play again!!!

I LOVE YOU!!!

i'm not sure what inspired me to write this.

it has been 10 years since becky passed away,

but i still feel the pain of losing her

sometimes like it was yesterday.

great day of funn

i just realized that i didn't post about Jenny and i having a day of greatness after she got back from vacation. duh alex!

so, of course, she made it to and from virginia with no incidents, just tons of fun and turbulance on the plane. and so come the day of our fun, we did indeed decide to go to the beach.

what an ingenious idea!!!!

we had a blast! we went to seaside, got us a cheap little kite, and her konnor and i went out to the beach. for some reason konnor was very grumpy while beachcombing at seaside (it was about 60, if you can believe that!). he was terrified of the kite and didnt want to be around the seagulls as jenny fed them. they were crazy seagulls, too!!! haha..

we got bored of seaside (nothing going on worthwhile) and drove up a little bit to gearhart (where you can drive on the beach). well, pretty much we wanted to drive on the beach and get to the ship wreck about 2 miles up. so anyways, we are drivin along on the beach, and looking for whole shells, beacuse no one looks for shells there -- too many cars. so i think i see this big shell, and stop. i realize its broken, swear under my breath, and walk back to the car. something little and black catches my eye, and i realize its one of those orange and black catepillars. heading straight for the ocean!! so, of course, being the compassionate human i am, and not wanting him eaten by a flock of seagulls, i scoop him up and take him to the car.

jenny and i named him F (for fuzzy). full name: F-Unit!! lol! we took pics of our new-found friend and found a shell for him. he rode with us the rest of the way to the ship wreck. konnor, jenny, and myself parked about 100 yards from it, making sure we were parked far enough away from the water so that my car wouldnt be wisked away by the rising tide, and headed for the remains.

after taking pics, konnor and i played ring around the rosie around a rusty piece of the ship (with no shoes-haha-i know). about 10 minutes of that and i was feeling really woozy, so i moved out of his way and let him continue on his journey. i took about 20 steps away, and took a couple pics of him and jenny. a few seconds later, a rather large wave crashed about 50 yards away and i knew that it was coming in more than Konnor would have liked. I knew it wasn't enough to do damage, but when it came in, it caught jenny off guard, who had her back turned to the ocean (duh ralph!!!) and came up about 6 inches on konnor (who started to panick).. i ran up, laughing, and picked him up and took him to safety. he wasn't happy. meanwhile, there was a baby in a car seat who's grandma was running with the child, trying to reach safety, while the infant's parents laughed, walking away from the wave.

it was at that time that we decided it was time to go before the tide caught up with my car. when we got to my car, however, we discovered something missing. you may have guessed it alright....

F-Unit

Oh boy, did Jenny freak. lol i dont understand what is so creepy about a catepillar running around somewhere in my car, but she was NOT having it. lol. about 5 minutes later, i came across the little critter, running around under Jenny's seat. We put him back in his shell house and off we went.

yeah, that was pretty much the extent of our day. we went home, had some dinner at Jenny's FAVORITE place, La Carreta, and slept well that night for sure!!!

pix to come, i hope :)

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im NOT happy

Life is not going my way, and i'm sick of it. I want a change. If i don't get a change soon, i may just blog up, freak out, and who knows what else......

Time away from my son is time lost in my mind. I work 40 hours a week to pay my bills and everything to keep us afloat, and drive time takes up an additional 15 hours per week. Where do i have the time, except weekends, to spend with Konnor?? There are 168 in a week, right? Take away the 55 that i am away, which leaves us with 113. 48 hours of that is the weekend (of which i cherish every moment!!), and we are left with 65. Now, you have to realize that we sleep about 9 hours a night x 5 days is 45 hours lost.. That leaves me with 20 hours, which 5 is spent early morning getting ready for work (or sleeping in-and konnor is sleeping) and we are left with a measly 15 hours during the week to play with Konnor and get any errands done. 15 HOURS!!!! that's NOTHING!! That is an average of 3 hours before Konnor goes to bed. Sometimes, depending on my schedule that day, it's an hour more or less. :(

I'm depressed. i want more time with Konnnor. I hate that my psycho grandma watches him all day and that she gets to spend more time with him than his own mother. But i may have a solution. I am making payments on a car that is costing me $285 dollars a month. Now, my work has a way you can work four days a week, 32 hours, and have a day off. According to my calculations, that would result in a $248.32 loss per month.. sooooooo... all i have to do is get of that nasty car payment and buy a cheap-o car, and take up that new schedule, and WHA-LA!!! an extra day with my sweet baby..

The downside...

1. i have to figure out how to get rid of the car
2. the new schedule wouldn't start until january

well, those are the only downsides i can think of. :) i really think this will give me the peace i want. and then, when eddie gets a really good job, i will go to part time (only 20-25 hrs/wk) and then life will be grand!! I figure i have 2 years before Konnor starts preschool, so I have that much time left of him being my FULL-TIME son. And by that I mean spending all day with him.

Another good thing will be with a new hunk-a-junk car my insurance will go down, and more money there :-)

I'll keep you all updated on how my journey with this goes.

Boey Byers. . an inspiration.

as i continue to realize there is more to life that what you are exposed to, i come to terms with the fact that life is unfair. im 20 years old, and know that i am still experiencing life.. but honestly, my eyes have been opening a little more everyday, and my heart is aching for those whose lives are not as great as my own..



last night an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition came on, and i was thrilled to see it was for a family in Oregon. i didnt expect what i saw though.



Boey Byers was diagnosed w/ cancer in January of 2006. She was just 6 years old. Click here to go to her blog: http://www.jenessabyers.com/. It will give you the full story and i believe that the originator of the blog (her father as far as i know) deserves the credit of telling her story. Anyways, if you saw the episode, you can relate when i tell you i cried almost all the way through. This little girl has the strength of a bear, courage of a lion, and the heart of a million people.



Through this little girl i have been inspired. Inspired to make a difference. Jenny and i are going to fundraise. Reading stories and blogs and informational pieces, I have come to realize that parents who have children with cancer often don't have a large amount of money to spend on birthdays and christmas's. So Jenny and I want to do something about it!! We don't know what yet, but more to come.

Another little girl inspiring this new found love is Hannah. She unfortunately passed away on 10/4/07, but her story is touching, and her mother is an amazing woman. You can find her website here. http://www.helphannah.org/

Please, if you have any ideas to get us on our feet for this project, LET US KNOW!!!!

It amazes me how someone can live life unknown to this horror that can easily become their life. My eyes were opened last night. Now its time to do something. And it makes my favorite quote in the world even more true in my eyees.

"Isn't it a fearful thing, to

love

that which

death

can touch."

~author unknown