i hate today.

today is not a good day. i woke up in a good mood. i got konnor up and he was a bit fussy, but that, of course, had to do with the cold he's fighting right now. got us both ready and we left. took konnor to the babysitter's. he cried, cuz he knew i was gonna leave. so i sat on the floor and let him love on me.

Tammy said her son, Jason, saw eddie friday at the high school football game. fuck. this isn't happening. he neglected konnor and myself all weekend, and now to find THIS out. i think something is going on. actually, i am almost positive this to be a fact. i wanted to call in. i dont think i can deal with this right now. this is the second weekend in a row he hasn't spent time with his family. i have felt so alone. its normal, b/cuz we are suppose to be there for each other, be a team. there is no "i" in team. i guess there is in this one.

i texted him "FUCK YOU" and have yet to get a response. that was an hour ago. he's at work. im contemplating. his priorities are all fucked up, everything seems to agree on that. i dont know what else to do to get it through his head. i think i wanna be free. free to party or workout or talk to who i want to talk to.

my heart hurts, and konnor is the only thing in this world that makes me happy. he makes me smile, and is ALWAYS there for me. can't say so much about anything else in my life. konnor is my life. i work for him, i breathe for him, i drive 50 miles a day for him. so that he can be happy, have food & clothes, and have a happy life. i always smile when i see him, and can't really be unhappy when he is around. when i cry, he loves on me. he will walk right up to me and force me to let him hug me. he will give me smooches and pat my back until im okay. his love is so much stronger and purer than any adults. he is me and i am him.

i'll be okay. with or without eddie. only the end of day can show me where his heart lies.

**UPDATE** i brought pictures to work of halloween. i keep having to look at a pic of konnor in his ADORABLE dinosaur costume to keep myself smiling and continue the will to go on with work. i started at 8:30 a.m. and have no break until 11 a.m. its going to be hell.