what would it take??

>>for me to be a free spirit again?
((and what does it mean to be free))

>>to become myself for me and not for him??
((who did i used to be))

>>to let go of the sensation of our dysfunctional "love"??

>>to see clearly again??

>>to "know" i am happy??
((what is happy))

>>for someone to understand what he has done??

>>to undo the damage he has inflicted upon my heart??
((is it reversable))

>>to undo the damage to my soul??

During this ever so difficult time in my life,

i need someone. Someone to hold me and hug me when i

can't bear the burden of this pain

anymore.

To wipe away my tears, and tell me that everything

will be okay.

Who will just hold me while i cry,

trying my best to be strong.

They will tell me to just let go, because

at a time like this,

i dont need to be strong.

someone. who. cares.

what it is. what it isnt.

we were so cute in the beginning.
nothing cute now.

we were so in love at one point in time.
that love is gone.

when it left, i used to wonder where it went.
i dont care anymore.

i used to be able to get lost in my dreams at night.
i dont dream anymore.

i used to think about how things could be.
they can't.

i would daydream about how i wanted everything.
i dont want anything.

i used to wonder how to make everything better.
nothing will be better.

i used to write poetry of my paradise.
there is no paradise.

i used to be happy.
im not anymore.

oh the things that we did...

Jenny and i are complete lunatics and it shows in my voice and my sickness this morning for sure :)

It was 8 pm Thanksgiving when Jenny called saying that Heather ((her friend)) had drove by Toys R Us in Clackamas, and much to every one's surprise, people were already in line!! Mach speed we drove to Wal-Mart for hand warmers and then to 7-11 for energy drinks, and were in line by 9pm. Not a half hour went by and half a dozen more people had gotten into line.

It went well below freezing as we approached 3am Friday. Jenny and i were huddled underneath blankets watching "Lords of Dogtown" on her PSP. It was bitter cold and the wind was whipping. We were all out miserable. There was a rumor that there weren't many Zunes on stock, which is what everyone was waiting in line for. We were scared that we were waiting in line for nothing, and would be super bummed if they sold out.

Our fears were growing with the line, and the thought of rushing to the electronics section of the store when the doors opened at 5am was making our anxiety swell. It was around 315am when we received word that they were to hand out vouchers for the Zunes. Our spirits lifted only a little, as we still didn't know how many they had. We had determined that we were 8th & 9th in line, so as long as they had that many, we wouldn't be waiting for nothing.

4am was suppose to be the time that they handed the vouchers out. Well, that time came and went, and with each passing minute, we saw more and more people lining up behind us, and the dreaded line rushers were peeking their ugly heads around the corner. We were ready for them, and had already told the people in front of us that we were determined to not let them in.

445am rolled around, and we saw a TRU employee approach the door. this was it. Our hearts pumping, the employee came out and said that the shipment of Zunes they were expecting hadn't come in, so they had limited supply. They handed out what vouchers they had, and Jenny and I had to pretty much push ((and i felt a little bad)) a little kid who was rushing to the front. We got ours and the person behind us got the last voucher. That was it. We were getting what we had come for. Standing in line for 8 hours was about to pay off!!!!

We. Were. Ecstatic!!

The people behind us, however, were not. They had been in line almost as long as we had. Almost. The key word. Because they were not. They did not think far enough ahead to get out there early. Which i don't blame them. Jenny and I were out there at 3am the year prior, and were top 10 in line. Who woulda thunk the Zune would be THIS big. We didn't. But we were persistent, and we were about to get them in our hot hands.

Giggling little girls is how the next 20 minutes went. For the most part. My brother's babysitters daughter saw is in line from back where she was, and wanted to cut. We were terrified at the thought because there was an angry mob behind who wasn't getting what they wanted. We found out that she wanted the PS2 and a camera, so we decided instead to pick it up for her and give it to her when she got in.

Thankfully, that worked out nicely! We were in and out of TRU in less than 20 minutes, and then had to RUSH to Target. You see, originally, i was suppose to have someone in line at Target for me, waiting to get in for the Kodak camera they were having on sale. Well, last minute they bailed, saying they got their license suspended. blah blah blah, anyways. Jenny and i got there, and were probably like 500th in line.

Convinced that i wasn't going to get my camera, and cursing the weather, the line started moving half an hour later. the second that we were in the building, jenny and i darted towards the electronics department. we got up there mach speed and asked for a camera. They only had two poor people working the electronics department, and these two people were in charge of handing out cameras, xbox's, memory cards, etc. To say the least, these two people had the worst job in the world.

Until jenny got stuck. We were trying to get an xbox for my brother, and when jenny got pinned to the counter with two carts, she started handing out memory cards and flash drives to people. She should have been paid for it, i swear. haha. Finally, we got her out, and went to toys.

Unfortunately, they ran out of the Cars toys i wanted to get konnor just as we were getting there. I had my camera in hand, and that was the only other thing we needed. I was upset, but knew that he has plenty of gifts for the tree. So we left Target, shaken, but not stirred.

Our next stop consisted of Kohls, which was across the parking lot. They opened at 4am, so i figured that they would have died down. We looked around, wondering what everyone was in line for. Around by the mens ((i think)) we saw it was the line to checkout!!! we asked an employee at the front of the line ((who we knew)) how long it was.. She said 2 hours!!!! HAHAHAHA, needless to say, i didn't stand around to buy my pants. F that!!!

We headed straight for Fred Meyer to their famous sock sale after Kohls. They were much calmer than the three previous stores that we ventured too. Don't get me wrong, it was still a MADHOUSE, just less so than the others. We gathered socks, gloves, and whatever else we could find, and headed towards checkout. I was so tired by this time, i was ready to fall over and pass out. I felt icky, and didn't have the will to go on. Jenny's "hell n0 you aren't quiting now" got me into the groove again.

Following Fred Meyer, we went BACK to TRU. Yeah yeah we are probably crazy, tired, and delusional, but i needed k'nex @ 50% for my brother. Haha, too bad they were only the little kid k'nex that were on sale.

Leaving TRU, we headed for Joann's who was having hella deals on fabric. We just wanted some fuzzy fabric to make blankets with. Jenny and i are not good at sewing, but at 99 cents/yard, we were willing to learn. Except........ The line to get fabric cut looked much like the line for Kohls. The only difference being that you had to take a number ((like at DMV)) and then wait for it to be called. Yeah, they were on like b56, and the number we would have taken would have been like c75 or something like that. haha, we said screw that!!! Totally not worth it.

Saddened by our loss, we headed to Wal-Mart, which would be the biggest zoo of all, we were sure. Sure enough it was packed with people, but they weren't being crazii and psycho.. Or maybe jenny and i were just wayyyyyyyy too tired to realize. We laughed at nothing and i sat on cushions, we spent a lot of time in the pet department for no reason. We walked and walked and laughed and joked and laughed more. What did we laugh at?? I have no idea. I fell on the ground laughing, and people probably thought i was drunk. Yeah, from lack of sleep. Wal-mart was the best. Brian came to keep us company. He had slept all night, after all. grrr on him.

Finally, we went home and CRASHED!!!!

All in all, it was an eventful day that led us to spend too much money. :) oh well. thats Black Friday for ya!!!!

Black friday

Sitting outside toys r us. Been here since 9 pm. Waiting for them to open at 5am. Want the 30gb zune. Soooo cold. Updates to come. Oh yeah we are the 2nd group in line. :) we rock. Hardcore.

My update and outlook on life are both pretty grim today. Only for the fact that all the bad outweighs the good. Some know why, and others have ideas. Everyone as work is lost in oblivion. I can deal with that, and wouldn't have it any other way.

I try to make good and happy with Konnor, and he knows something isn't right with mommy. He cuddles with me and loves on me more than normal. I love it. But don't like its because there's something wrong. i try to mask the sadness, but he sees right through me. :) i love him.

I'm making the best with what i have, which results in having a smile on my face, and spending much time away from eddie. i like when i get konnor from the babysitter, because it means i can do what i want and chances are he'll be at frisbee golf for much of the night. i like when he is gone. i dont know why im so unhappy but i am. so these small retreats from him are much more of a relief than anything else.

hopefully, good developments, and even better news will come in the near future. Dennis Dixon, the star quarterback for the Ducks, is out for the season with a torn ACL, so don't expect it before football season is over.

Snow is on the mountain, and expected to stay for a while. Temps are rising in the next few days with the sunshine we are expected to have, so needless to say, some of it will melt. sad, i know, but it makes my day to check out www.timberlinelodge.com and see that snow that has fallen.

consuming me.

when will the tears cease

when will this pain stop

i feel like im falling

im about to drop

i cant stand to look at you

through all of my tears

i cant believe i lasted

for so many years

i thought you would change

you promised me so

i should have known

that you'd bring me so low

now i sit here and scream

in a big crowded room

no one can here me

instead they consume

consuming my mind

on my feer they're feeding

i cant help but cry

for my heart is bleeding

no one can see me

no one understands

you mine as well kill me

with your own two hands

i dont know which is worse

to stay or to leave

without you i'll be happier

thats what i believe

konnor will be too

just so you're aware

although i cant be sure

that you even care

its all about you

what you want you get

im done with the bullshit

im calling it quits!

when our hearts no longer

unite as one soul

the pain will come to a hault

and again i'll feel whole.

goodbye friend and lover

of four long years

im giving it up cutting it off

so there are no more tears

I LOVE OREGON!!!

This is going to be a loooooooooooooooong post, FYI... Jenny and my adventures this weekend are nothing less than spectacular.. Let's just say, we are a sort of local celebrity. haha. only cuz we made the news. but let's not get ahead of ourselves. we'll just start from the beginning.

It was decided long before that Friday we were going up to the mountain. There had to be snow somewhere, and we were determined to find it! A long trip up to Timberline proved to be not quite worth our time, but we saw snow! And we embraced it!! A snowball fight and some time later we decided to check out the scene at Mt. Hood Meadows. That was a bust!! What little snow there was you couldn't pack into a snowball. it was like ice.

Friday night was a bad night for the mountain, and it showed in our spirits as we drove home. The hope of the mountain trip was flakes falling from the sky and a light dusting of snow on the ground. We got nothing of the sort, and depressed as we were, we made the best of it the ways we knew how!!

Saturday went by with nothing to speak of -- nothing eventful that is. Jenny worked while konnor and i played. We just went about our business, of course checking the ski reports from time to time. We saw the possibility of snow that night and the following day, but our hopes were not something we were willing to give up.

It all happened so fast on Sunday. I got up, Eddie left to play frisbee golf ((big f-ing surprise)) and i got online. You know, just to check it out. I couldn't believe my eyes!!! Where there was no snow the night before on timberline, i could see white patches!! Watching the live cam, i saw the snow.. it was FALLING!!! i texted jenny as fast as my little fingers would let me. Of course, she checked right away, and the excitement began to brew. We made plans of the mountain, and talk of how what and where began. Of course we'd have to wait until she was off work ((6 p.m. -- yuck!))

I left the computer for a few hours ((i did not want to)) to get some shopping done and to pass the time. Kelly had come back into town, so we spend some time out and about. I was so excited -- it was raining soooo hard on the valley floor, and i could only dream what it was like at the mountain at each precise moment!! I couldn't wait for jenny to be off of work -- i wanted up there!!!

When i got home around 3 ((to do laundry and clean the car)) i checked again.. There was a SERIOUS amount of snow!!! This storm wasn't playin around! i was a tad bit scared of the hills to get to the mountain, and how bad they'd be, but hey, we had done it all last snow season with no chains or traction tires, so all should be well.

Ha, that's where i was wrong. Jenny got to my house, we got our shit together, and left for the retreat of a lifetime!! Or maybe the adventure of a lifetime. Yikes! As we were driving up, we got higher and higher in elevation, and realized that the water on the road was becoming slush. And then, it was becoming snow. Uh oh. No plows yet. This storm had taken Odot ((our "trusty" department of transportation)) completely by surprise. We pass a semi who is pulled over, then a truck, a car, and then.. we start to slide. Yeah, we aren't going ANY further!

We pull over, a feeling of defeat whooshing over our high hopes to sled at ski bowl. Of course, we aren't giving up -- you'd hafta be dumb to think that. Jenny takes the wheel, and tries her luck, with nothing. Damn. Now, mind you, there have been cops EVERYWHERE and an occasional ambulance storming up the mountain. A little afraid of getting a ticket ((and dying)) we take a brake from trying to get back on the road. So we got outside, and started playing in the snow. Ok, just throwing snowballs at my stupid car, and wishing we could cry without our tears turning to ice cycles.

Odot came up to check on all of us there were in a line, stuck, a few minutes after we got there. After hitting everyone else up, a nice guy asked us how we were. We lied, telling him that we were just waiting for a couple friends to bring us chains, and that we thought we had them, and didn't. We made nice with him when he saw our Oregon Ducks beanies, and struck up conversation. He left us with only a warning about chains, and went to check on another driver. Phew.... Thank goodness.

We continued panicking, wondering what we were going to do, and throwing snowballs at my car out of frustration. Meantime, cars were coming up and down the mountain, not a care in the world. An SUV pulled over in front of us 10 or so minutes after Odot left, and we thought he may be in the same predicament as us. Haha, what a joke.

As soon as he stepped out of the car, huge video camera in hand, we knew he wasn't stuck. A snow plow came by ((finally)) and he filmed it go by. Then he came up to us, asked us how we were, and confirmed that we were stuck. That's when he asked if he could ask us a couple questions on camera. ((NOOO!! i thought in my head)) all that came out was "sure". So here we were, embarrassed beyond belief, and going to be on TV!!!! Here's a link to the segment. We're the ones that they considered to be stranded. http://www.kptv.com/video/14637274/index.html

Watching the man from fox 12 leave, we formed our game plan. We would wait until Odot wasn't looking, and then head up the rest of the way to Ski Bowl to PLAY IN THE SNOW!!! yeah! So, again, Jenny hopped in the driver seat, and me riding shotgun ((i trusted her more to do it -- haha)), we waited patiently, and then were OFF!

We found Ski Bowl 10 or 15 minutes later, and both let out a huge sigh of relief. Stupidly, we parked in a lot across from Ski Bowl, and not only found ourselves stuck but face to face with a police officer. He asked Jenny about the chains, to which she replied that we forgot them, and he told her that we park here or get a fat ticket. Well, if he was letting us off with a warning, we were gonna take it!!! NO DOUBT!!

After dodging Odot and a cop, and getting unstuck, we got back to Ski Bowl and had ourselves a few hours of pure bliss letting the snow fall around us, making a sled ramp, and eating fresh powdery snow that was untouched. It was a night to wash away our worries, even if only for a couple hours. It was well worth the wait, and all the hassle it took us to get up there.

On our way back down, jenny turned her phone back on ((it was almost dead, and we needed to preserve the battery since mine was dead)) and saw that she had a couple text messages from various people who saw us on TV!!! THE 10 O'CLOCK NEWS!! AHA.

I can honestly say that i am in love with the mountain. I'm just glad my best friend is too. :-)

F$%K OREGON!!!!

I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SICK OF THIS WEATHER!!! JUST GET COLD AND RAIN ALREADY!!! I WANT SOME GOD DAMN SNOW ON THE FREAKING MOUNTAIN!!!! seriously, we get snow at night, and then rain in the day, which melts the snow.... its RIDICULOUS!!!! really, i wanna cry. suppose to be going to the mountain tonight.. pfft, whats the point. theres no snow. it may snow tonight, but not at ski bowl. more like timberline. ugh. makes me very very angry. stupid oregon weather. its suppose to RAIN 9 months out of the year here. but all we have is dry warm weather. jas;oritu EAkghfdakjzjgoeurt gjfds is what i have to say about THAT!!!!

**crying**

the poor 80's shows

Being born in 1987, i grew up with many 80's cartoons, which will always be classics to me. Why would you take a classic tv show and turn it into a movie 20 years later!?!??!?! are you mental?? probably...


TMNT...The Smurfs...Alvin and the Chipmunks...Garfield...Scooby Doo.... Underdog..... even Loony Tunes....


the list continues to grow as the idiots we know as writers and scripters come up with "great ideas" to real in the adult audience while enticing their children as well. i think that Hollywood's need to "make a buck" outweighs the need for a good movie. Who really wants to see these once popular tv shows made into cheesy films..

It's despicable

feelings thru song

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind



How do I feel?
I've been here before
I've felt this
Retreat to a place,
A place within me
I need this.
Keep it all down,
Bottled inside
It breaks me.
To torment again
And torture me
Like it used to



This is my december
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all i need



she can't hide no matter how hard she tries
Her secret disguised behind the lies
And at night she crys away her pride
With eyes shut tight staring at her inside
All her friends know why she can't sleep at night
All her family asking is she alright




To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure




I find the answers aren't so clear
Wish I could find a way to disapear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorence



Theres something about songs that help me to understand how it is that im feeling. happiness is not me. when i start listening to staind and linkin park, i know something is wrong. whether its deep in my head or if i can find it staring me straight in the face. something is up. this time, i am going to have to dig, although i know part of what is bothering me.


i hate being unhappy. its just getting worse, not better. i think i am getting really irritated and flustered because eddie is finally trying to make things between us better. yeah, i want to be with him for konnor's sake. but i dunno if i wanna be with him for me. or if id find more happiness elsewhere. gosh, this stinks!! my thoughts my dreams and my intuition is making it difficult. the last three nights have been odd, with weird dreams that keep me awake, and paranoid about things.


like, the night before last i kept thinking someone was gonna break into my car. so i kept waking up, or getting up rather, and peeking through the living room curtains to make sure all was quiet. every little sound had me up again, even if i was just up 2 seconds before. it was pure hell. i was up for 3 hours i think CONVINCED due to paranoia that my car was going to become victim to tweakers.


i dont understand. a couple weeks ago i was content with life and the way i was living, and now. . . now i am a total emotional train wreck!! i mean, im not constantly crying, but i am constantly typing. wondering. thinking. dreaming. hoping. screaming inside. i type things, and delete them. i talk to myself ((no im not crazii)) acting out what i want to happen in my life ((which never will)). possibly i need a psych evaluation, but im sure most people in their lives go through this.


although, the last time, i was young and "depressed" even though i didn't know what life was. it was a hard time in my life. i was "in love" with someone far far away ((okay, 4 hours)) who i wasn't really happy with but i wanted someone to tell me they loved me.. ((sounds like a pattern to me)).. UGH!! im a dependant person.. thats it. i need help. damn. what to do NOW??!?!?!

one day skipped...

my gosh, i can barely believe i didn't post yesterday! :) There was, however, a reason for such. Konnor was sick w/ a high fever most of Monday, and i couldn't bear to take him to the babysitters on tuesday when he was still pretty hot. Poor little guy. A dose of Tylenol, and a couple movies later, he was a bundle of energy wanting to go top speed around the house! Try as i might, i was unable to keep him calm, so we played for most of the afternoon.

Today, he is better, so i am regrettably back at work, and he at the babysitters. Which is well, because i can't really afford to miss work, and he needs a normal schedule. Yeah right, we are anything but normal.

Anyways, Jenny and i continue to formulate our "Black Friday" plans as more ads are leaked onto the internet. We are torn as to what store we should be "stake out." I'm sure that until all the ads are out, and we can go over what all we want/need/can have, that will be determined. Konnor is staying at home with my mom, i am trying to talk my sister into going, and my mom is wondering if she should make my 14 year old brother watch my son. So much is going on and changing that our plans will change 20 times between now and then. Which is okay, i just won't waste much time telling you which plan we have this second, because it will change the next.

We do a few things that we want, which includes a 30Gb Zune MP3 player for $80 @ toys 'r' us. I imagine those will go fast, so im thinking that store will be the one we stake out. A lesson learned from last year though: get your sh*t and get out. Otherwise, its going to take you, and this is no exaggeration, TWO HOURS to checkout.

We also want k'nex ((50-60% off at toys 'r' us)), an 8mg kodak digital camera for $89 @ Target ((which im sure is going to go fast as well)), and the famous 50% off all socks at fred meyer. We are keeping very close watch on what ads are posted and what sales are going on. There's currently a rumor about a very very very good deal on an xbox 360 at a certain store. I'm not leaking any information until it is certain, but if it is, my mom will definately be out in the crowds this year.

Also, in Alex news. Plans are being formed in my mind about a current situation which involves my home life. More on that as it comes about, but let's just say this roller coaster.. don't wanna do it. I just need to figure out how i can prevent world war 4. :)

until next time...

loves,
*.::me::.*

updates on misc...

DUCKS UPDATE:

My beloved ducks did not play over the weekend, their game is this Thursday, November 15th, at 6pm ((i get off at 7pm.. grr)) vs Arizona. This game should be an easy win, but we should not get ahead of the game. Much can happen in one game, seeing as Ohio ((ranked #1)) lost to unranked Illinois over the weekend, bringing Oregon to the NUMBER TWO in the BCS standings!!! wahoo!!! That makes LSU ranked #1... Chances of us going for the national championship: pretty f-ing good!!! Ohio hasn't had their bi-week yet ((meaning a week they don't play)) sooooo.... They could drop in the rankings even further. Hot on our trail, unfortunately, is Kansas ((10-0)) and Oklahoma ((9-1))..

...the best is yet to come...

SNOW UPDATE:

So.... With the big wind/rain storm we are having today, and the precipitation over the weekend, we are seeing snow on the mountain. This friday, Jenny and i will be making our first trip up there to see what can be done. Of course we will go up with all the necessary equipment in hopes that this week brings enough snow to start our sledding adventures once again. it is currently 37 degrees at ski bowl, with showers ((not snow showers)).. however, over night, any precipitation will be snow, which is exciting. currently, ski bowl has been wiped away of all snow that accumulated over night ((very frustrating))

the fact of the matter is, jenny and i are keeping our hopes and dreams of snow by friday ALIVE!!! you should too darn it!! :)

WORK UPDATE:

yeah, it still sucks, and i hate it. Today it is very windy and rainy here in the great NW, which means, working at the electric company,

BUSY!!!!

there are outages everywhere, trees down, lines down, transformers blowing. ARG!!!! seriously, my goodness... its died down a LOT from this morning, but we are still busy. i am going to apply for some other positions that take me OFF the phone, and hope that is accomplished before we end up with a HUGE outage. Although if that happens ((which will be later in the winter season)) i will probably have to come in anyways. Oh well, i get paid enough i guess..

Oh yeah, and there's the fact that i can't go through with my plan to work 4 days next week and get rid of my car. i can't sell my car for enough money to be able to go down to 4 days. im super depressed about that, but you know... sheet happens, right?

HMMM, i dunno what other updates i can possibly have... so until tomorrow...

loves,

*.::me::.*

the tale of the haircut...

Thursday evening was "attemp to get Konnor's haircut" evening. I wanted it done. He is starting to look like a little girl ((again)) and i can't stand when people say "oh your daughter is so beautiful".. seriously, he doesn't look like a little girl, even with longer hair. anyways, i take the hint as needing to cut his hair. So we took him to the same place as last time, and he seemed okay. well, not really. instead, he screamed. NOTHING would calm him down. Eddie tried sitting with him, i tried sitting with him, we tried what we could. So we took konnor home w/o a hair cut.

Screw it, i kept thinking, im gonna do it myself. So sunday morning konnor and i got up and went to good ol' wal-mart at 9:30am ((still havent set the clocks back, so i thought it was 10:30)).. it was nice for a sunday trip seeing as everyone was still at church, and we got front row parking. ((i know how amazing that is)) inside, konnor was suprisingly good, and sat most of the time. We found a $30 complete hair cutting kit and were set. With only needing that, we were in and out in under an hour. ((yes i stopped in a few different departments))

Anyways, so we got to my house, and i emptied the contents of the box onto the dining room table. There were more pieces then i could count. Dear goodness, which things do i use?? I settled for a #4 and the main contraption that plugs in. I have seen the pros do it a hundred times. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to get this going. I put the #4 onto the main thing and plug it in. Now for the moment of truth.... did i buy a P.O.S. that doesnt work or do i get to cut my childs hair today?? it starts buzzing and vibrating. SUCCESS!!!

Konnor, of course, comes in to explore. i am frantically wondering what the best technique is going to be. This thing is obviously going to be scary. Tickle is what i came up with as konnor looked at me and then this thing and back at me. I touched it to my skin and started laughing. Then took it off, put it back on and said "tickle, tickle, tickle." If he falls for this, im a genious i thought thinking that it wasn't going to happen. He reluctantly, to my suprise, held out his hand with this little smile. "tickle tickle" i said as i touched it to him. His grin spread almost from ear to ear. Ha, this is in the bag i thought. So i tickled up his arm and to his hair. ZZZZZZZZZZ, and the hair fell. "oh my god, what am i doing" i started to panick. i dont want his hair short. :(

Half hour of "tickling" later it was done. Very very short, much shorted than i'd have liked. But done, none the less. the mess was out of this world. there was hair everywhere, including all over me, cuz at the end, konnor decided that it would be MUCH nicer to sit in mama's lap while the tickling happened. He stopped liking it about 10 minutes into it, and i had to use some mad coaxing skills to finish the job..

here is a before and after. disregard the quality of the pics.

I know that the pic of him and his pumpkin isn't good at showing how long his hair was, but it was in his eyes. now i think im gonna let his hair grow and just trim it up when it gets too long. his hair is ADORABLE when its long, and this short business just doesn't work for me. So yeah, my decision:

NO MORE SHORT HAIR FOR KONNOR!!!

Remembering...

So last night, as i was laying in bed, trying to slip off into dreamland, i was watching konnor. Holding his baby doll close to him, patting her back. I laid there and strained to remember how and when this little baby, wearing a purple onesie w/ a ladybug on front, came to live with us.

Jenny, Konnor, and i were making a trip to the Dollar Tree for some "necesities" ((of which i dont remember what those were. go figure)). As we were walking, talking strolling the isles, we came to toys. Now, Konnor LOVES toys, and Jenny & I, being kids ourselves, do as well. So here we are, finding many things to distract us from everyday life ((as we tend to do)) when we see a pile of baby dolls. We hand one to Konnor, just playing around, and he brings it right up to him and HUGS it.. I kid you not, my child took to this baby just like that!! He loves babies, especially Kelly's baby, Caleb, but never did i think this would happen.

We let him continue to hold onto it, but i knew i couldn't buy it. No, eddie wouldnt have it, my mom would laugh, and i would be embarrased. So, being the mommy that i am, told Auntie Jenny to take it. She looked at me and did. Boy, that was the wrong move. he CRIED!! So, naturally, she gave it back. And wouldn't you know, right back up to the chest that baby went, and Konnor loved on it so tightly, unwilling to let go.

20 minutes later, and many isles passed, Konnor saw something interesting. Memory failing me, i dont remember what it was that he was playing with, but i sneakily took the baby and hid it behind my back. The goal was to put the baby down somewhere, and leave it. Moments later, however, my son realized that the baby was missing, and frantically started looking for it. He started to whine, and the fact that it was soooooooooo cute, mommy gave it up. For a third time, he clutched onto that baby like it was life or death.

At that time, i realized Konnor was leaving the dollar tree with a baby. Eddie was gonna flip, i kept thinking. Oh well, i kept telling myself, maybe he should spend more time with him. As we approached the register, i didn't know how i was going to pry the baby from Konnor's hands long enough to have it scanned without him getting upset. He was, afterall, convinced that mommy was trying to rid him of it. It was a quick manouver, a fast swipe by the checker, a quick giggle from jenny, and a tiny "ehh" from Konnor, and then it was over. it was paid for. and konnor was being carried out of the Dollar Tree by Jenny, carrying his first baby.

Eddie, suprisingly said nothing except "its just a toy" when i told him that our son was the very proud owner of a baby doll. I almost hit the floor when he said this. My mother's response was much the same, until she saw the way Konnor has given the baby lovings. Now she finds it absolutely adorable.

Since that night, Konnor has wrapped the baby in a blanket, carried it around, and slept nearly every night with it. You tell him to give his baby kisses, and he does. right on the forehead, the face, or wherever. On the downside, the poor baby has been hauled around so much the clothing is tattered and worn and is missing one eye. It's very creepy looking straight at you with its one good eye. But konnor still insists on having it, and loves that baby every single day. He'll be a good big brother.

I smiled, watching him hold that little baby that means so much to him, and drifted off to sleep.

...((no subject))...

Sometimes i wonder if i am a good enough mommy.. Last night i dropped konnor off with eddie, and he was being the biggest jerk in the world.. he was yelling saying that i was going to cheat on him and that i didn't tell him that i was leaving konnor. blah blah blah. anyways, i am running ((literally)) up the stairs, to minimize the inevitable when i hear it. the crying. then turns to screaming. he is at the bottom of the stairs looking for me, and eddie "konnor come here" in his jerky voice he does. i am watching thru the door ((konnor cant see me - im at top of the stairs outside)) and see konnor running back towards eddie. green means go. i take it as my sign it'll be okay. can't help but feel guilty.

Jenny and i get to La Careta ((her absolute FAVORITE place to eat-mexican)) and we are sitting there, talking and what not, and i hear a baby crying somewhere near. I felt this guilty feeling setting in. then the crying baby, held by mommy, walked by, and jenny and i both started talking about how weird it was for konnor not to be there. He ALWAYS is with us when we go, and always proves to be an adventure. such as throwing rice everywhere ((trying to eat it, of course)) or spilling the water, throwing sugar packets everywhere, and eating forkfulls of salsa and then licking his arm trying to get the hot taste out of his mouth.

Man, that child is something else. i know i say it all the time, but he is weird just like his auntie jenny and his mommy, and i love him soooo much. i tell him i love him to infinity and beyond now. anyways, so after dinner, the guilt subsided, and seeing as it was 8:30ish, i knew he was probably missing mommy but trying to go to sleep. he never does this when im not home. go to bed for the night that is.

the guilt died as we drove, sang, and talked for a while longer. for the sake of not allowing you to fall asleep, i will spare details. lets just say i had a lot of fun last night in the most suttle way. jenny knows what happened and what was talked about, and that's all that matters. it was very calming in a sense and overall extremely enjoyable.

eddie doesnt even remember that he woke up at 1130 to let me in. and seeing as how i was gone before he got up, thinks i stayed somewhere else. what an idiot. that ought to be a fight later. grrr.

last night, when i got home, konnor stopped cuddling with eddie, and laid - right. with. me. hes my littlest rock. one in a milllion. its times like that when i know im a good enough mommy.. and i cant ask for anything more..

loves,

*.::me::.*

pictures pictures.. yay for pictures!!

Here they are... some of the pics from our halloween festivities.. enjoy!! :)

Carving pumpins.. or eating them rather??

Finished pumpkins. Konnor's left.

My little dinosaur!! his tail wiggled when he walked!! hehe

Kelly, Me, Konnor, and Jenny. the prehistoric gang!



Jenny, Kelly, and myself getting ready to drink.

me (queen cavewoman??) jenny and kelly

***TRASHED***

blah blah blah. ((no title))

reading what i wrote on monday, and on tuesday, i was in a deep rutt. my heart hurt, my soul hurt, i physically and psychologically hurt. i was so near the edge and ready to have a breakdown that i could see it -- almost predict when it was going to happen.

yesterday, late afternoon, there was a breakthrough. a tiny ray of light started to shine into my dark life. jenny and i hadn't really talked since saturday. long story. but to sum it up we have both been in this crappy time and has wanted to talk to no one. i dont think i have felt so alone. anyways we finally got to email and it was soooooooooooooooooo nice!! hopefully we get to hang out as planned tonight after she gets off work. a small escape for our lives should prove to be beneficial for both of us. i work at 7a.m. tomorrow, which is the ONLY downfall. we'll see how this pans out.

i work 7-4 today, which means eddie takes konnor to daycare. he tried to fight this when i woke up this morning. i told him that it was early for me, and pretty much, he didn't care. i was trying to get konnor back to sleep (it was 5:30am) when he started this nonsense, and i knew it wasn't going to happen, so i left. poor konnor was crying and i told eddie to cuddle him. his response: "i dont do that" i cried the entire way to my house to get ready and a good part of the way to work. eddie has no patience in the morning with anyone, let alone an upset child. i often wonder what goes on when i am not there. have thought of a nanny cam, but i dont think id want to see.

needless to say, this morning was a setback. i am so torn between wanting konnor to have a daddy and kicking his stupid ass to the curb. yeah, we have fun, when he spends time with us. he can be a really great guy and super sweet. but lately, the last thing he wants to do is spend time with us and has been in severe jerk mode. im so freaking confused!!!! either way, i am screwed. he already told me he'll fight if we break up. he thinks he'll get konnor. he wont. thats a given. i support both of them. minus car insurance. and then there's the whole cell phone thing. i don't want to cancel the freaking phone. GAH!! that's a lotta freaking money. i dont know. pretty much, whether i like it or not, im going to be stuck with him for the rest of my life. together or not. i just need to get him out of jerk mode, and we'll be okay. i think. i hope.

my semi good day seems to be getting worse and worse now. i just found out that i have been doing a major process wrong for quite some time. and it caused a customer to get over charged and almost disconnected. now i say almost, b/cuz they didn't get their power shut off. only because the customer called, thank goodness. i hate doing things wrong, and will beat myself up about it for quite some time following. work today is just lame, and i would appreciate it if i could go home. haha. wishes... ok, there are a lot of calls waiting to be answered, so i will push the buttom of doom and let everyone else get back to their lives.

loves a lot,

*.::me::.*

this child of mine...

i continue to find strength and an ounce of happiness in keeping up with this blog. taking away from everyday life, and letting my fingers take me to a more joyful place is probably how i keep my sanity here at work. if they ever blocked this website, i would probably quit on the spot. i can't deal with customers' stupidity any more than i can deal w/ eddie's.

last night Konnor fell asleep on me again. I was laying on my side, completely pissed off at eddie, and konnor made sure i got my smooches and then laid his head on my shoulder, with his arm over me. i was facing away from him, and he must have been halfway standing. i didnt think he was asleep but rolled over and carefully laid him down, just in case. his little eyes were closed and he was sleeping soundly. i almost cried. i dont see how he could have slept like that, but he is so full of love, especially for his mommy. he can tell when mommy is upset, and tries with all his might to make me better.

I dont know what i'd do without him. everyday he smiles at me and loves me before i leave for work. i love waking him up in the morning to get him ready to go to Tammy's. when i get to work, his smiling face is beaming at me from my computer screen. I get to look at those gorgeous blue eyes whenever i want, whether it be picture or presence. it sucks that i cant be with him all the time. GAH!!!

Speaking of all this, he finished his first full week of daycare last friday. $125 out of my pocket, and a happy child, to say the least. It's just him, as far as kids go, but he loves everyone who is at that house, and they give him lots of attention. He is learning a lot of new words, and his speech is going to soar in a few months, maybe sooner. i can tell!! i also found this in a website about child development and milestones :

A Toddler Making a Tower of Blocks
Most kids have fun playing with blocks. It is doubtful that any of them realize that stacking blocks into a tower is actually an important developmental test. Making a tower of blocks is usually considered to be a visual-motor/problem solving milestone, and most kids can make a tower of:
2 blocks by 15 to 21 months
4 blocks by 17 to 24 months
6 blocks by 18 to 30 months
8 blocks by 24 to 36 months
9 blocks after 3 years

I am proud to say that my son made not one, not two, but three block towers of 12 blocks!! On #13, they would tumble. He easily makes it to 10 & 11. Now if only i could get him to talk way ahead of the game. :) its okay, i am proud of my little munchkin. He will be wise beyond his years, much like mommy. let's just hope he doesn't get daddy's temper.

end of daylight savings time

not only does it officially mark fall season, it marks rain. it means that no matter when i leave work, its going to be dark. Which means no more time for the park when i'm off at 4 with konnor. not to mention the rain is coming on thursday. its been pretty dry for the last couple of weeks -- unheard of in october for oregon.. it always rains on halloween -- not this year. it was wonderful. i only stand the rain because i know that means snow on the mountain.

its also a cold hard reality that the holidays are among us. that something i can do without, even though i am really excited. but for some reason the holidays bring me down. just there's so much to do, yet nothing at all. then the big christmas day comes, and i am relieved of all stress!!! i dont understand and i don't expect to ever understand. between the weather and how much i have to do, i believe that is the problem.

yes, as daylight savings times end, we no longer have warm lighted evenings after work, and have to bundle ourselves and children extra warm for the day. The temperatures are dropping. that i am ok with. i just hate the dark.

big savior. little child.

if i weren't so sad, you may be able to see a smile on my face
if i my heart weren't shattered, possibly there'd be some love 4 u there
perhaps i could cry some more and create the river
from the canyons that the pain has chisled into my soul
and then, maybe, i will drown from the sorrow and the pain
gasping for air as my head is held beneath the water
flowing with the river, as the darkness begins to take over
losing conciousness, unable to reach the surface
a small round face with big blue eyes appears before me
reaching out a tiny little hand, i reach back
the water drains, i cease to cry
the crevasis are gone, my soul is healed
my heart becomes whole, and i can feel it swell with love
the sadness is wiped away, and i smile.
one tiny little boy whispering "mama" has come to my rescue.



i. am. happy.

i hate today.

today is not a good day. i woke up in a good mood. i got konnor up and he was a bit fussy, but that, of course, had to do with the cold he's fighting right now. got us both ready and we left. took konnor to the babysitter's. he cried, cuz he knew i was gonna leave. so i sat on the floor and let him love on me.

Tammy said her son, Jason, saw eddie friday at the high school football game. fuck. this isn't happening. he neglected konnor and myself all weekend, and now to find THIS out. i think something is going on. actually, i am almost positive this to be a fact. i wanted to call in. i dont think i can deal with this right now. this is the second weekend in a row he hasn't spent time with his family. i have felt so alone. its normal, b/cuz we are suppose to be there for each other, be a team. there is no "i" in team. i guess there is in this one.

i texted him "FUCK YOU" and have yet to get a response. that was an hour ago. he's at work. im contemplating. his priorities are all fucked up, everything seems to agree on that. i dont know what else to do to get it through his head. i think i wanna be free. free to party or workout or talk to who i want to talk to.

my heart hurts, and konnor is the only thing in this world that makes me happy. he makes me smile, and is ALWAYS there for me. can't say so much about anything else in my life. konnor is my life. i work for him, i breathe for him, i drive 50 miles a day for him. so that he can be happy, have food & clothes, and have a happy life. i always smile when i see him, and can't really be unhappy when he is around. when i cry, he loves on me. he will walk right up to me and force me to let him hug me. he will give me smooches and pat my back until im okay. his love is so much stronger and purer than any adults. he is me and i am him.

i'll be okay. with or without eddie. only the end of day can show me where his heart lies.

**UPDATE** i brought pictures to work of halloween. i keep having to look at a pic of konnor in his ADORABLE dinosaur costume to keep myself smiling and continue the will to go on with work. i started at 8:30 a.m. and have no break until 11 a.m. its going to be hell.

Love -- Mine does not compare

Everyday i am amazed by Konnor's ability to absorb and comprehend what you tell him, or others.

most of all,

i am amazed by his compassion and caring attitude.

Just last night,

he gave me a kiss and turned and gave eddie a kiss.

He went back and forth for about 5 minutes,

just loving on us.

Then he wrapped his little arms around my neck and

squeezed.

then just laid there,

arms around me,

watching tv,

for the longest time.

he makes me happy.

i can't imagine what life was like b4 him.

Halloween thru my eyes...

hmmm, where to begin. i think my cheesy poem put it damn near perfect.. haha.. as far as the timeline.. so how about i just start with Halloween day, 2pm...

I got off of work, super excited. i drove to get Konnor, and Tammy was like "whoa, what are you doing here so early?" of course i told her the day before. hehe. she remembered it was Halloween, and all clicked. I should probably tell you that Jenny and i were up the evening before until 2 a.m. working on our costumes (which still were not done) and then had to be up at 5:30a.m. Soooo, needless to say, i was VERY tired.

Too bad Konnor already had his nap, cuz i wanted to go home and sleep. Kelly also called to remind me that we needed more from Wal-mart. Ugh. i think this is the first time i have NOT wanted to go to wal-mart. Oh well, whatcha gonna do? Had to get everything we needed for the
"party".

We get to wal-mart and are doing our shopping, and Konnor starts to cry. And he does that thing again, but this time doesn't pass out. Kelly grabbed him from the cart and held him to make him calm down. Thank god for Kelly, cuz i wasn't able to cope with it at the time - too tired plus just out of it. So i took care of caleb while she entertained konnor. THANK YOU KELLY!!!

Once the wal-mart schindig was over, we walked outside and put everyone in the car. Now, we realized at that point that there was something attached to Caleb's car seat. Something that Konnor wanted when we were in the store, and figured, since it would make him happy, that he could have it while in the store. Sneaky little shit. Haha. No seriously though, it was a balloon. I dont know HOW the cashier didn't see it or the greeters. Maybe same way WE didn't see it?? Dear god, we felt so bad. But of course we didn't take it back -- haha, i dont think so!!!!

Blah blah blah, 6 o'clock comes around, and its time to get the kids ready and go visit kelly's grandparents (on ben's side). Konnor is loving his dinosaur outfit, and i am loving that he loves it. We get there, and they try to say hi to konnor and love on him. Okay, thats NOT happening!!! He has met these people, once, maybe twice, and my son does not dig strangers. He will cling to me like glue-and he did. We did manage some pictures of him and caleb, but not enough to satisfy the mommy's, i dont think. Not having a digital camera really upsets me, because i am a picture taking fool. Can't do that if i dont have a camera.

Did i mention Kelly's PSYCHOTIC mother and her crazy brother came over too? oh my god, i hate her mother and her brother is just something else. Her mom wanted konnor to want her SOOOOO bad, and it was funny when she held him, and he slid himself right off her lap and came back to me. :) That's my boy!!

After we finally got out of there, Eddie called. Ugh. Eddie was sick the day before and on Halloween as well. So he calls me PISSED off because i am not with him and he doesnt feel good and wants 7-up. Okay, i tell him that we will get him his 7-up and come visit. He was not happy, but whatever. We got there and i went downstairs to visit his sick, grumpy ass. Gave him some medicine, which he said he couldn't find. Haha, it was on the bookshelf behind Chester's tank. So Kelly, konnor, caleb and i are getting ready to leave like 20 minutes later, and eddie decides he wants to go to my house. GAH! if this couldn't take any longer, we have to take caleb home to ben and go back and get eddie. And THEN, after that, we finally get to go to my house. blah.

Half an hour later, my halloween costume is finished, although i STILL hate it. I noticed when i first got to my house that Jenny seemed a bit grumpy. It made me sad and i was afraid that it was not going to be a good night. She took dalton to the store with her to get some candy (like she couldn't go trick-or-treating. lol) and by the time they got back, we were ALL ready to go out. As we walked out the front door, Konnor decides he is taking his stroller with him (he loves to push his little stroller). Well, we weren't about to argue, so Jenny, Kelly, Dalton, Konnor, and i headed down the street. Mind you it was about, 830 (i think), not many people had any candy, there were no trick-or-treaters out, and the streets were deserted. So we pretty much hit two houses (which konnor was not going up to the doors-hehe), and just walked around for awhile. Konnor was content with all of this, so it was good.

We got back to my house, and i was ready for a jager bomb. when i asked jenny when she was, she said "im kinda tired now" in a snotty voice. There was more to it, but i dont remember now. She was just being a butt. i woulda killed her had she really wanted to go to bed. I went into my room and told eddie that konnor was coming in to go to bed soon. He was just like whatever, and rolled over.

After putting konnor down, the drinking began. Jenny and i had a jager bomb while kelly took a shot of Malibu rum. 10 minutes later, we went round two, but this time kelly wanted a bomb as well. She hates jager, but we convinced her she would barely be able to taste it. Needless to say, she didn't like it much, so went back to drinking the rum. I think eventually, we had her taking two shots for our one bomb, which means she was consuming twice as much alcohol. WOW!!

Brian came over to spectate our eventful Halloween, but didn't seem to drink, which is probably better, b/cuz jenny and i were NOT sharing our jager. :) Although at some point, he did leave to get alcohol, but by that time i was too trashed to know he left. i do know that there were beer bottles the next morning on my counter, so he did go.

Anyways, rewind. After a couple ((4 i believe)) rounds of our shot combo, kelly and jenny decided they were STARVING, so they drug me to the store. We walked all the way to plaid pantry so they could get something to eat, which probably a half mile away. They ended up getting some burritos and while they heated them up i read the halloween jokes in the newspaper. Quite entertaining for me. Yes, we went in our cavewomen costumes. I didn't think i was that drunk when we were there, but now that i think of it, things were getting hazy.

We also had found a home for sale sign, which we left on our path, hidden, to pick up on our way home. When we did it, we had a brilliant idea to cover the "me" on home, so that the sign read "ho for sale", which jenny so beautifully held for all to see -- including a cop. He drove by with jenny holding that sign high and proud!! She disposed of it moments later, but thankfully the cop didn't care. I picked it up intending to take it home so we could take pictures, but was distracted by the car pulling up to us -- BRIAN!!

Now, we were quite upset that he hadn't come to find us before, or even offered us a ride when we left. So he was trying to get us to drive back, but we were like, 4 blocks away. i got in the back, laid down, and put my feet out the window. I think brian might have been trying to hit kelly or jenny, who were both walking, but only in a playful manner. We were at my house before i realized it, and i did NOT wanna get up. Had i been allowed the chance, i would have slept right there. But instead, i played wet noodle and poor Brian had to try to get me up. I got bored fast and went inside.

This is where things get fuzzy, so bear with me. There were many more rounds of drinking, and jenny kelly and i ended up playing "miss mary mack" "miss susie" and "down by the banks" while brian taped us. All of this happening on the kitchen floor. God i wish i knew how that all came about. Possibly rock, paper, scissors, but i can't be sure.

Many other things happened, but i don't know in which order. I remember being outside, and walking to the end of my street and sitting down. Jenny came and sat next to me and we started telling each other that we loved each other, and that we were best friends, and no one else mattered. Also that we were gonna be friends forever, and that now that jenny has a car, things are going to be different.

I also remember much trampoline fun, and playing duck-duck goose with my sister kelly and jenny on the trampoline. that was much earlier in the night, but i think later on we got back on and jumped. my legs dont hurt as much as they normally do after drunk jumping, so it must not have been the favorite thing to do that night.


James showed up a while later, and he was trashed. I remember him putting the tiara on his head, which i had put on my head a while before. Normally, that would not have been okay. At this point i knew i was at my limit, but Jenny said we had one more jager bomb before the jager was gone. I couldn't pass it up but i sure did want to -- i was very drunk, and so was she. I dont remember seeing much more of kelly, but i have a feeling she was not as trashed as we were. Again, i cant be sure.. haha

Much later, I went into the bathroom due to the massive spinning in my head ((no idea at what time)), and saw jenny in there. she quickly moved into the tub afraid of throwing up. i sat by the toilet but didn't think i would need to worry about throwing it all up. instead i closed my eyes.



The next morning, i wake up in my bed with no recollection of how i got there, or much of what happenend the night before. I laid in bed for a long time with my eyes closed, while Konnor was trying to wake me up. it was 8 something. ugh, too early i thought. my stomach was a bit queezy, but i paid no attention to it.

I threw up twice that day and felt like shit. what did i do?? how did i end up in my own bed?? did jenny and i really drink the whole fifth of jager to ourselves??

upon talking to kelly later, she told me this: she came in to check on me and jenny, and i got up saying that i was going to bed. She asked jenny if she wanted to go lay down at which jenny said something like "no, if i throw up in the tub its ok, but alex's mom will kill me if i throw up on the couch." And, believe it or not, that's where she stayed. until the next morning when my mom got up for work and found her there. My tub isn't big either. You cannot lay in it without curling into a ball. And it's cold. wet. dirty. EW....

All in all, we found that the night was a success. Thank you Jenny and Kelly for being AWESOME drinking buddies. And also to Jenny for being an awesome great best friend, adn you know you are. Thank you Brian who kinda watched over us, but for also being there. And to my gay lover, James, who i think should not have driven from Clackamas to come see us cuz you were TRASHED!!!! :) i love you guys!