well.....

Maybe it's time to start writing here again.

I was reading through some old entries, and i kind of miss writing. I mean, im writing somewhere else, but i miss my blog. :)

i think my blog shall receive a make over, and an update post shall be written! It's been like what... exactly a year since my last post (well, kinda)...

stupid movies

Written: Wednesday, January 9th, 2008

READERS BEWARE:: This post is NOT for the faint of heart.

So... Last night, i believe it was.. No no let me think. Okay, it was Monday night. Yes. I was watching the movie, Elizabethtown. I didn't make it thru the whole movie, but as a side note, i'd like to say what i did see was amazing!

Anyways, so in this movie, the main character's father dies. He has to go to Elizabethtown, where his father was visiting family, i believe, and attend the funeral there and bring his father home. Anyways, there's this scene, where, at the funeral, he has to see his father - lying in the casket.

I lost it. Everything about that movie, that scene, made me cry. It brought things into perspective, and i realized that my mom could anyday have a heart attack and die. Or get into a car accident, and die. Or be in the wrong place at the right time - and die.

Please don't tell me i shouldn't worry about these things, and please don't tell me that it won't happen. Anytime, anyday, i could lose the person that i am the closest to. The woman that birthed me, raised me, and taught me 90% of what i know. The woman i go to in my times of need, and who tells me all about her daily life.

We work in the same place, live at the same house, enjoy the same activities, and listen to the same music. I am a reflection of her, and she looks to me as her oldest daughter, and most prized possession. I love her more than anything in this world (aside from my son). To lose her would be to lose part of my world. She helps to make this world of mine go round.

My head is spinning, and of course, im thinking what if Konno were to pass away. I have only read stories of those who have lost their children. It is the worst pain to bear, i have heard. You bring someone into the world, you shouldn't have to watch as they leave this world.

Or what if jenny? She is my best friend, and losing her would be like losing part of my soul. she is more than a best friend, in fact, more of a sister. We have so many memories, so many laughs, cries, heartfelt talks, fights, everything. I wouldn't trade those for anything, and i wouldn't trade her for anything.

I would be devistated to watch any of these people be buried, much less see them lying lifeless in a casket. I shudder at the thought, and if i had the capability to dream right now, would probably have nightmares about it. It a horrible thing to think about, but at any time it could happen.

That makes me sad. Angry. Depressed.

I think im probably just those things b/cuz of other things going on in my life. All i know is that i don't want to grow old, and i dont want those i love to grow old either. I couldn't imagine life without them.

Ok, enough of this.

this entry doesn't seem like me.

Written: Friday, January 4th 2008

down day.

not sure why.

don't even have the slightest idea.

i hate ups and downs

wishing it were 6pm.

im ready 2 go home.

eddie and i have been hanging out lately. he was at my house late last night & i fell asleep.

so he stayed.

asked this morning if we could maybe "do something" this weekend.

yeah, that means sex

NO!!!!!

i didn't answer him.

*sigh*

guys are stupid.

im tired.

im ready for a weekend by myself.

can anyone relate?

~Alex~

vicious work routine....

Written: Thursday January 3rd, 2008

Today she sits alone at her desk, answering the phones like she always does. She types what she feels, and then hits the “delete” button. Masking her feelings is daily routine, but she feels it tearing her up inside. The monster has subsided, and finally she is winning his battle. Now it is he who is cowering in a corner, and her soul has control over him. Her happiness today, however, is drowned out by soreness and fatigue.
Desperately hoping for sleep, she takes another call. Angry customers swarm her thoughts, and every waking moment she hopes it won’t be another to scream at her. Extension, Move In, Extension, Extension, Move Out, Transfer, Extension, Extension, Extension, NO Extension, Sup Call, Move In, Extension. The vicious cycle goes forever, and sometimes intrudes her dreams. She can only think about sleep.

I am desperately tired. i am ready to leave this place i call work. With what i make i can't afford to just be done. On the other hand, this job drains me something ridiculous.
wouldn't it be nice if we could go back to the days where mothers were suppose to stay home and raise their children? Not like that would matter now that i am single. I don't really know what i need to write, but something is consuming my thoughts and draining what energy i have left. Something is bothering me, yet i can't get a grasp on what that is.

She closes her eyes, and sees herself on an island in the sun. Completely care free and getting the best tan of her life. Afer a long sigh, she opens her eyes, and says "this is alex, how may i help you?"

She lives.. She's free..

Written: Monday, December 31st, 2007

She walked outside to the crisp fall air. Breathing deeply, her worries all seemed to disappear. Instead of running to the car, she strolled. Feeling as though she was flying, with the wind whipping around her, the once perfect hair on her head fell flat. She didn’t care. A new outlook on life was forming in her head. Here, she was free. Free from criticism, free from interrogations, free from that son-of-a-bitch who never believed her.

Walking out that door was the smartest thing she could have done. Probably the bravest as well. People were always telling her how strong she was, and how they envied her ability to cope. Always smiling when they expected her to, and never shedding a tear, her soul was broken and she was drowning from the tears her heart shed within. Laughing to herself when they said “you are so strong.” Yeah right. She wasn’t strong, and she knew it. Like a little girl, she craved for someone to say that they cared. For someone to see right thru that fake little smile of hers, and to see what a nasty liar she was.

They didn’t – they never would. She would just be left alone and her heart would die. Until now. Until she felt that clear winter day bring her to her senses. And how she loved it! Not changing anything for that day.

Still having questions that are left unanswered, and yet to discover what effect it would have on her heart, she walks blindly. He’s trying to real her back into the house of confinement, but she won’t come back. He hopes, but she knows not. Now that she is free, never will she allow herself to be caged by him, or anyone, ever again. She has found her happily ever after, and it has nothing to do with a man. Just her, her son, and her freedom.

Life is how she never imagined it.

Beautiful.

I FREAKING DID IT!! & update

written: Monday December 31st, 2007

Yeah, i stayed strong and broke up with Eddie on friday, as planned. All went well, better than expected actually. We hid mine and Jenny's car at her parents so he couldn't come find us. Konnor and i spent the weekend with her. He, of course, did the i'll change why are you doing this, blah blah blah. I made myself numb to all the words that left his mouth and i came out on top!!

Its really hard, and im struggling to hang in there. sleeping by myself is weird, but im thankful i have konnor there with me. :) my bug.

speaking of him, he's sick. had diarrhea since thursday, and just not himself. his eating habits are all out of whack, and i dont understand whats up. Eddie has him today, and he called and made an appointment so the doctor can figure it out. i hope he isn't too sick. but 4 days w/ diarrhea is enough to make a mommy scared!!

Jenny and i are fine, as we all knew we would be. we have our tiffs and they always turn out okay. now we are dying our hair and going to a new years party. eddie is watching konnor. I know this is a ploy to get me back, but its not going to work! I'm stronger than him, and i will make it!! He is going to take over paying the babysitter, and we are going to split the phone bill. in return, i will not file for child support. for now. he knows that if he f*cks it up i will thou. no playing around!!

anyways, that's all for now. gotta get back to work.

Loves,
Alex

email to my BFF

written: Wednesday December 26th, 2007

you and i seem to be able to speak better thru words, not conversating over the phone, when we are unhappy.. here is me spilling my guts (and trying to remember what i was telling myself last night that i needed to say)..

when you said we haven't been on the same page for the last week or so, i definately agree. i have felt like we are just... blah. and i dont want you to take it like its all your fault, because it isnt.. its mine too.. i was, and still am, really sad about brian's going away party.. i really wanted to go, and felt sooooooooooooooooooooo left out that i couldn't. i know there was nothing that could have been done, and thats just that. but still you get this sense/feeling of abandonment. JC joking about me coming to make breakfast made me mad more than anything, which didn't help. i really wanted to hang out on sunday though, and hoped that you would call when you got up. i didn't receive a call and unfortunately the text message didn't go through either, so come the call when you said you were going shooting, again, the feeling of abandonment set in. i dont know why, but i do know that i just wanted to hang out.

continuing to christmas eve, which is when i originally thought we were doing the great exchange, i was sad that you had made plans. and quite honestly, when eddie started picking fights with me on christmas eve day and into the night, i had no desire to do anything but cry. and cry i did. so whatever call or text was not made is my fault. i was really upset with him. as a matter of fact, i wrapped all my presents, and got done at 2am. i played two rounds of halo when he came out and got mad at me. because i wasnt coming to bed yet. i cried myself to sleep.

my resentment followed into the next morning, when he got mad when my sister got me up to open my stocking. he was actually mad that i didnt want to lay down with him. eventually he got up, but he just wasnt happy. and he seemed upset i didnt stuff his stocking this year (which i told him i wouldnt).

and, because i couldnt say this with him hovering around me, he got konnor nothing for christmas. he didnt get anyone anything. i have a jacket from his work on hold, but thats really the extent of it all. i know what you are going to say, but please dont. these past few day are enough for me to realize that we have is nothing more than a.... lie, you might say.. friday cannot come any sooner.

speaking of friday, i dont know how its all going to play out. im terrified that he is going to come by your parents house just to see if im there. we can leave my car somewhere and you can take us in the morning, but there is still your car. and what am i going to do with konnor. i dont know. im terrified but i want to get this done and over with. i dont know. i dont know about anything anymore.

back to us though. i dont know where our miscommunication comes into play, but we suck at it. just recently. i dont know what BFF module got disconnected, but im thinking that we better fix it soon. i dont like us being like this, it makes me cry. like last night. i cried. i almost just drove to your house, but i was too tired, physically and mentally. i couldnt do it. then i dreamt that you went to the mountain with everyone, and i woke up from that dream soooooooooo pissed off at you. realizing it was a dream, i thought some more about what this email should say.

i am rambling, and im sorry. sometimes i just feel like you are so busy with all of your friends, and i dont have more than like 3 ppl that i hang out with. so i just feel left out. i shouldnt, i know, its something that happens in high school, but you are my BFF so it happens. :(

okay so i still feel like im rambling, and this email is much longer than i anticipated, so ill let you back to work. my lunch is at 1030 so if i dont talk to you before then, i will call you at 11.

~me~

p.s. im not mad at you. i wasnt last night. just frustrated. and with everything else, i got a little more angry that you didnt want to drive out here than i should have. had we stayed on the phone, i probably would have flipped. :( im sorry.
So that was the email i sent to Jenny. we had a big "blah" last night.. made me very sad...

tears, tears, and more tears.

I am extremely happy the holidays are over. Not only because I have relieved a lot of stress, but because we are only two days from D-Day. Or…. Break up with Eddie day. And the last few days have proven to me why I don’t want to be with him and why it’s a good thing that we don’t continue this relationship.

For one thing….. sh*t I don’t even know where to start.. I can’t think straight and I’m coming down with something (I’m sick).. Okay, well let’s see.. Christmas eve I was at work, and I get this text from Eddie talking about me commenting on someone’s myspace. It was a male friend of mine, we’ll call him C for now. Anyways, C and I are friends thru Jenny and he commented on my main pic. My comments are hidden, which are a good thing since ppl comment me things he would get upset over. So I tell Eddie yeah I did and that C and I are friends. So he is all mad about that. Whatever..

I got off work early on Christmas eve – 3 hours early. Paid time by the company, I didn’t have to use my own PTO hours. That was nice. I went to the store, which was a stupid stupid mistake. For one item. I got out pretty quick, but my goodness it was busy. For a moment I missed my desk and my chair at work – so quiet and peaceful. Yeah, only for a brief moment.
Later that night, after everyone went to bed, I wrapped all my gifts. Well, my mom wrapped hers first, and since we had one roll of tape, I had to wait. 2 am rolled around before I was finished. I sat and played 2 rounds of Halo 2 on live before Eddie stumbled out. He got all upset that I wasn’t laying in bed with him and that I was out there, and started an argument. I told him to fuck off, started crying, and continued until I fell asleep.

7:30 am Christmas day my sister woke me up to open our stockings. Eddie was holding onto me very tightly (odd thing for him to do) and got mad when I tried to pry myself free of him. I just rolled my eyes and got out of bed. He came out minutes later asking if I was coming back. I had already told him that I was, and he went back to the bedroom. He came out again 10 minutes later and plopped on the couch next to me.

He was upset, because in years past, I would always do a stocking for him. I told him in advance I couldn’t this year, there wasn’t enough money. He said before it was okay, but seemed genuinely hurt that I didn’t do it. Oh well. I didn’t care, I bought him gifts.

Then, whenever I would get on the phone with someone, he would be right there – wherever I was – to listen to my side on the conversation. Then, when I said something he didn’t like, he would get mad, and I would be trying to mouth to him what I was talking about, who I was talking to, etc.. it was ridiculous. Then, after I got off the phone, he would interrogate me on what I was talking about. I almost decked him I got so mad at him. (he is texting me “I love you” right now – I don’t want to reply).

There was something else, but I cannot, for the life of me, remember what it was. If I do remember, I will put an update next to the title.

I do remember the other thing I was going to talk about now. Jenny and I have been having little “tiffs” here and there. Christmas eve was the original date that we were going to exchange gifts. Between her plans and Eddie, we didn’t do it, and I cried Christmas eve because of that. Then, Christmas day, we were going to do it, but after I had dinner at Eddie’s grandma’s house, it was like 6:30 pm and Jenny wanted to meet in the middle instead of coming over like she was suppose to.

We argued and said some mean things, which made me cry after I told her I’d just talk to her the next day. I was genuinely hurt that my best friend shut me out. There is more to it than this, but it would take me FOREVER to write everything out. I’ll post the email I sent her instead, in my next entry.

Hope everyone’s Christmas was amazing!!

Loves,
Alex

trust doesn't exsist...

written: Monday, December 24th, 2007

Okay, so, despite Eddie’s efforts to keep me home, Konnor and I left for Jenny’s around 7:45 p.m. I was so happy that I stood my ground and said no, I am going.

It was all the usual, who is going to be there, what are you going to do, are you going anywhere else, blah blah blah. I simply told him it was the 3 of us, we are playing Halo (im a freak, I know. Haha. I LOVE halo), we aren’t leaving. And shut up. He got the point and went to play poker.

He decided to go play poker, which was fine with me. He called me once, twice, three times. I answered, of course, to avoid a fight. He sounded drunk. After a 5 minute argument of him lying, he told me he had a drink. Liar. Okay, two then. I still don’t believe you. He stood at two, and I gave up. I asked him what he was doing, he said he was outside his house. Something told me he wasn’t. I said okay, gotta go, playing halo. Goodbye.

5 minutes later. (dear god I thought). He asks what im doing and I tell him that I am doing the same thing that I was doing before. He asked if B was there (how did he know). **background: B is a male. Very good friend and Eddie knows he has NOTHING to worry about. So he doesn’t** I ask him where he is, he says at home. I know he’s lying. I’m a little terrified because he is slurring his words, and definitely shouldn’t be driving.

B decides to leave soon after. He wants to bum a cigarette off of me. Okay, I tell him. And we walk outside. I hand him one and look over to his car, only to see Eddie pulling up. *rolls eyes* It takes 20 minutes to drive from my house to Jenny’s. I walk over there and see that his eyes are bloodshot and he smells of booze. Mini argument: I tell him to leave he tells me he loves me. Just a bunch of crap while B goes to tell Jenny that he has showed up. Great, so not only am I arguing w/ Eddie but Jenny is going to give me an earful when I get back in. Finally get Eddie to leave, B is already gone, and I go inside.

Jenny knows now to open her mouth because I don’t look at her and i flop on the couch. She is going to say “I told you so” I can feel it coming. I swear I will scream at her if she does. But things settle, and after another round of Halo, she says it. “I told you so.” “yeah I know,” was my reply. I left it at that, and so did she.

Eddie was texting and calling me and finally my phone died. Yes it really died this time! Ha. So he resorted to Jenny’s phone which soon followed suit. No phones. That meant peace and quiet for the night and some of the next morning. Until Jenny plugged her phone in and turned it on. Three text messages. That boy just doesn’t give up.

So then after I got home, it was a constant interrogation for the night Saturday and all of Sunday. I was so angry and I told him that obviously he doesn’t trust me and he proved that and he is dumb. I don’t want to write about it anymore.

Merry Christmas to everyone who I don’t talk to before tomorrow!!!!!

We are t-minus 4 days and counting. Im very nervous, but anxious too. Im ready to be done.

im baaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!

more than a month since i have blogged here.

i'm sorry.

:(

i cannot give an excuse that would be suitable enough, but i'll tell you the truth. i have a diary online (which im sure ive mentioned) and its there where i have been keeping my thoughts, secrets, stories, etc.

anywho everyone, i'm about to post some of my entries here. some of them are much too personal to share with the WORLD, but a lot i feel the need to share. so give me a bit to do it. there's a lot going on here.

a conversation

that i had with eddie today.. its a text convo.. bear with the misspellings and poor grammar.. he isnt the brightest crayon in the box..

me: jenny wants me and konnor to stay the night and go to saturday market in the morning
him: i kenw it
him: i knew it
me: what
him: that your going to that
me: its at her parents househim: ya ducking right
him: why do you do this i dont know any one that has a girl friend and let them go stay the night at anyone house
him: you said you were coming home
me: dont get all pissy
him: why
me: shes my best friend. thats why. we wanna go early. thats also why. you shouldnt question the trust. i let you hang out with pot smokers because i TRUST you
me: why what
him: your REALLY going
me: uh. yeah. i dont think ill be spending any time with her in the next few days.
him: so
me: so
him: so i wont see you
me: yes you will
him: when
me: after work. gotta get konnor
him: i wanna do what we did this morning agein
me: k
him: your really staying at her house
me: yeah
him: pronges
me: huh
him: prom
him: when are you going to be back tomorrow
me: around noon or so
him: can i go play a tournament
me: yeah if you want. you may have to meet us at the aunt's house
him: what?
me: christmas at the aunt's house
him: tomorrow i know
me: yeah if your tournament goes too long then you may have to meet us there.
him: k call me
me: at 1230. my lunch
him: k
him: you love me
me: ya i love you
((((((an hour later))))))
him:you on brake ill call you k
me: ya i am
((((((15 minutes later))))))
him: you are seeing some one else
me: i think your crazy
him: you think i am just ok with it
him: i want you to show me where jen
him: lives
me: why?
him: you would wanna know
him: wanna meet them too
him: hello
me: you have issues. i dont do this crazy shit to you
him: i not stay the night at people place (peoples houses)
him: what you have anything to say
him: hello
him: hello
me: i have nothing else to say
him: why you dun
him: i love you alot and i care
him: you bakin up with me
him: you mad then
me: no. im working
him: i dont go stay the night any were
him: why can't i go too
him: i go then you can stay at my house
me: IM STAYING AT JENNYS PARENTS HOUSE! NOT HERS!
him: whats wrong with that
him: why cant i go then you can stay the night with me
me: im staying with jenny at her parents house. they dont let boys in the house for one. and two im staying the night!
him: why cant you do that what you going to the mountain
me: no WE ARE GOING TO STAY AT JENNYS PARENTS HOUSE!!!
him: you think you just tell me then i am ok with it
me: no i dont but oh well
him: what i say
him: what did i text you
him: why o well you dont care
me: you think you just tell me then i am ok with it. . . . . thats what you said
him: i dont like you staying at places
him: makes me feel like shit worry alot
him: why you not said anything
me: im working
him: baby
me: what
me: im sorry i was busy. shit. calm down.
him: you wanna get married
him: do you
him: hello do you or not
him: why dont you ANSWER?
him: you wanna get married
him: yes or nome: yes
him: will you marrie me

such a time its been..

there has been no update lately. for that, i apologize. My time and effort has gone into creating an online diary. Much more open and a lighter atmosphere. I can talk to people who read easily, and i have grown close to a couple people in my current situation in a short time.

Not that i will discontinue my blog here. I love my blog too much to ditch it. Christmas is coming, and changes are as well. For fear of who reads this, i won't say anything here. Just know that steps are being made to get to where i want to go.

Terrified as i may be, these changes are much needed. I am severly depressed right now, that i cannot deny. My heart hurts for many different reasons. Even through this hard time, i see Konnor needs me and his smiling face is something i cannot and will not deny. Those blue eyes are cutting into me right now as i type this as i stare at the picture of him on my desk. Well, the one of MANY!!!

I need support with the journey im about to embark on. Cheer me on, because if i do not come in first place in this race, losing will be a travesty.

More clarification to come. :-\

*.::me::.*

Tonight is going to be a blast.. i am finally going to get away from everything for a night, and let loose!!! of course, it'll be and my partner in crime, Jenny.. and the plans are as follows...

• Go to her house after work, take a couple shots of jager.. or a jager bomb. who knows.
• Me, her, JC, rachel, dan, maybe dan's g/f, their friend jeff, maybe joy, and someone named matt are piling into three cars
• Jenny and i are going to fill something w/ jager to drink while we're gone
• UP TO THE MOUNTAIN WE GO!!!!
• do some drunken sledding
• come back to the house, and drink some more!!!
• maybe watch POTC3, that i bought the DAY it came out.. haha!!

These are all tentative plans ((subject to change)) w/ only the possibility of these people coming.. for sure its me, jenny, jeff, jc and rachel. And we are definately going to the mountain and jenny and i are DEFINATELY getting drunk!!! Lots of pics, lots of fun... and eddie is watching konnor. amazing right? most DEF!!!

I have more to talk about, but thats a diff post. till then...

*.::me::.*

ok ok a real update...

I think part of me has been dreading this update because it means i have to write about something other than my feelings..

Another part of me has been dreading it because i know it is going to take a long time to do it..

The biggest part of me doesn't wanna do it because i haven't felt up to doing anything lately..

Well, today is a new day!! I haven't been driven into the ground of depression today.. So i will update as much as possible before i go into my daily photobucket slump.........

The biggest thing on my mind right now is where Konnor is and who's watching him. Now my son is a very happy healthy child who will get along with almost anyone! I love that little squirt, and he has been doing FABULOUS with his current babysitter, who is eddie's brother's mother-in-law. Well her daughter, Eddie's brother's g/f, is due to have a baby this week. So they are taking two weeks as a sort of "maternity leave" to get the baby home and on a sort of routine, which is no big deal.

We just had to find another babysitter in the meantime. That proved to be a HUGE ordeal. Seeing as no one we know can watch konnor for almost two weeks. Except...... ((dun dun duhhhhhh)) His ex-girlfriends mother who does daycare for a living. Ugh. I DON'T like his ex girlfriend and would rather her mother not watch my son. The biggest problem is that its going to cost us... FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS!!! For 8 days of watching my child she is charging us $400!!!!!!!!!! Talk about taking advantage of someone in desperate need of a babysitter with little notice. I am outraged to say the least. I pay $125/week for daycare. That's it!!

Anyways, enough ranting on that. :) Dang, i don't even remember what else i was going to talk about. I am slipping into wanting to just browse photobucket. That's when i know i need someone to bring me up. Cuz i am falling. And here we go talking about feelings.

WAIT I REMEMBER!! ((trying so hard to not fall)) Konnor is into not wearing his diaper when he is wet or poopy. i think we are going to start potty training after he goes back to Tammy's ((babysitter)) .. I am going to buy him some pull ups and big boy underwear ((cars and sponge bob)). im sooooooooo excited!! We can tell he is going to catch on quick -- should be a breeze. He is a very smart little boy.

For Christmas, i am going to buy him some coloring books and crayons, and an ABC coloring book. Then, mommy and Konnor are going to work on writing his name. Partly because i want him to learn how to write his name, and partly cuz i want my tattoo!!! :-)

Speaking of that tattoo... This is how its going to go. The first time he successfully writes his name all by himself ((and its legible, of course)) i am going to save it. Then i am going to dig up his little handprints from the hospital and i am going to have them tattooed on me. Probably on my side. Why?? Cuz he is my little boy, and i want to preserve his littleness forever. A part of him will ALWAYS be with me. And it'll be soooo much cuter than carrying pictures.

Jenny is going to get her precious puppy ((pit bull)) Lucy's name and paw prints in the same way. Yeah, we are cool like that!! It will probably be 10 years before we ACTUALLY get them done, but its gonna happen!! Maybe we can have them done when we go on vacation in August ((CUZ YOU ARE GOING, JENNY!!!))

Okay everyone, i dont know what else i have now. gotta get back to work. bye for now!!

Loves,

*.::ME::.*

history behind it all...

I choose to write of this because any of my readers who don't know me don't know the story behind the relationship. I think i need to open up and give some brief details as to what has got me where i am....

I pretty much have decided that the relationship i am in is no longer worth my time or my heart. It is cracking and breaking and shutting down more and more by the day. i fear that if i let this on for too much longer, any hopes of repair will dissolve into nothingness and no longer will i be able to love. Sad as this may seem, i find myself wondering how i am going to get through it all. No doubt i will, but will such a battered heart, will i be able to love again?

Considering all things, i also find myself wondering if this was all a sham. This is a most terrible thing to say, and i feel horrible in saying it, but i don't know anymore. Four years of a sham hardly seems believable, but just before i got together with him, i was in a relationship with my first love. True this guy was a disgusting cheater who broke my heart and left me cowering in a corner with my soul exposed and such heart at my feet, i still loved him. With all of those broken little pieces, even though my head was screaming at me to leave it be.

Eddie came to my rescue in the days following, for he knew. Me and this other guy were not yet broken up ((stupid me)) but he persuaded me that i deserved better and to take his hand. When i did, i felt a surge of life thru me, and in time, my heart was healed by Eddie. I had my guards up, and a couple weeks into the relationship, i broke it off. I was afraid, as any girl should be. It was too early for these feelings, and i didn't want to be hurt again. NO, i wouldn't have it.

A week later, we made up and got back together. To make a long story short, when i got pregnant, eddie wasn't ready for such a committment and left me for drugs. Sad to say, i know. He wanted me to get an abortion, but having one previously, it wasn't going to happen. He knew that and was still willing to risk the chance of my getting pregnant. His stupidity. We fought for weeks about if i was keeping it, and for a moment, i thought about it, to save the relationship. Obviously, his screaming, yelling, and plotting did nothing. I was strong and taking a stand.

Throughout my pregnancy and into the first months of Konnor's life, i tried to bring back the relationship that would make us a family. My strong will told me i shouldn't give up, even though my heart was again breaking before my very eyes. Had i been smarter, i would have realized that Konnor would have gotten along without him, he was afterall, too young to know better.

Thank goodness for Jenny. My once aquaintance thru Eddie's best friend, she had become my companion and best friend. Through thick and thin, for better or worse ((not to sound like we were married)). She had been dating Eddie's best friend, and that in itself was no roller coaster ride. We were being strong for each other more than ourselves. It was a miracle to have her around because in all honesty, i wouldn't have made it those months without her.

As i started to get over eddie, he pushed his way back into my life. Over and over i said no as he insisted we get back together. The weak heart inside of me was done screaming, and was now just a whisper telling me it couldn't take it anymore. Not once did i listen to my heart when i should have. It knew better than to let me forgive him. But i did. and we began the journey of "fixing things"..

Now, a year and a half later, i am wishing i never would have let him into mine and Konnor's life. In the beginning it was all peaches and cream, but now....... I hurt more and more everyday. And now its not just my heart that hurts, but my entire body!!! My soul even. I have to get my life straight, and get out of this situation before i dwindle to nothing inside.

Thank goodness for my support system, and you know who you are!!!

fellow bloggers

Upon browsing thru others blogs in the NW area, i have come to the realization that probably 60% of them have an interest in photography..

Which makes me wonder, what kind of photography?? just some point and shoot stuff, or are these people seriously trying to to make a living out of photography.. do they go out and take pictures in hopes of snapping that shot that will shoot them to the top?? or do they take pictures for friends and family of friends and family???

Just some random thoughts running thru my head this morning. Disaster hasn't struck in my life yet today, and i am in a fair mood. I should take that and run with it.

Meh, im at work, so i am not holding my breath. :)

untold truths

if a certain someone found this blog, i wonder what would happen.

how angry would he be?
would he cry?
would he scream at the top of his lungs until his voice went hoarse?
what new things would he find to accuse me of?

one day i will tell him about it. not today. not tomorrow. not any day soon. but one day.

save me.......

I know i have said time and time again that i feel as if i am screaming at the top of my lungs in a crowded room, where no one can hear me. I think perhaps now i have degressed to something less in something more. Instead, i feel like i have been thrown into the icy cold atlantic, choking on the below freezing water, gasping for breath. All i am getting in return, however, is water in my lungs, and my body becoming stiff and frozen. I am breaking down from the outside in, or the inside out. i wish i knew, but i dont.

what can save me? who can save me? i dont have that answer. i am not entirely sure there is an answer at this point. all i know is im in too deep with where i am. i am about to hit rock bottom. i have to get out. soon. i dont want to be buried alive.

oh my gosh!! all these analogies. im a living breathing walking analogy. if that doesn't make me want to scream, there is a list of other things.

this blog has gone from talking about my everyday life to talking about how i feel. how has it come to such? i dont know. no i didnt post since wednesday, because i took a couple days off of work. i helped jenny move and we hung out. friday i was probably sincerely sick as my voice didn't want to cooperate when i talked, and i sounded like a 12 year old boy going thru puberty. no joke.

hmmmm.. i wish sleep would overcome me. im tired and worn out. yesterday was suppose to be a day of hanging out with eddie and konnor. it was a day of misery. fuck the world. and those who have turned their backs on me. when i needed them. because they couldnt handle who i had become. look at me now. im becoming stronger. and those who have stuck by my side and those who are joining my battle -- we will conquer this. i promise you. and i will be higher than i have ever been.

after time.

what would it take??

>>for me to be a free spirit again?
((and what does it mean to be free))

>>to become myself for me and not for him??
((who did i used to be))

>>to let go of the sensation of our dysfunctional "love"??

>>to see clearly again??

>>to "know" i am happy??
((what is happy))

>>for someone to understand what he has done??

>>to undo the damage he has inflicted upon my heart??
((is it reversable))

>>to undo the damage to my soul??

During this ever so difficult time in my life,

i need someone. Someone to hold me and hug me when i

can't bear the burden of this pain

anymore.

To wipe away my tears, and tell me that everything

will be okay.

Who will just hold me while i cry,

trying my best to be strong.

They will tell me to just let go, because

at a time like this,

i dont need to be strong.

someone. who. cares.

what it is. what it isnt.

we were so cute in the beginning.
nothing cute now.

we were so in love at one point in time.
that love is gone.

when it left, i used to wonder where it went.
i dont care anymore.

i used to be able to get lost in my dreams at night.
i dont dream anymore.

i used to think about how things could be.
they can't.

i would daydream about how i wanted everything.
i dont want anything.

i used to wonder how to make everything better.
nothing will be better.

i used to write poetry of my paradise.
there is no paradise.

i used to be happy.
im not anymore.