well.....

Maybe it's time to start writing here again.

I was reading through some old entries, and i kind of miss writing. I mean, im writing somewhere else, but i miss my blog. :)

i think my blog shall receive a make over, and an update post shall be written! It's been like what... exactly a year since my last post (well, kinda)...

stupid movies

Written: Wednesday, January 9th, 2008

READERS BEWARE:: This post is NOT for the faint of heart.

So... Last night, i believe it was.. No no let me think. Okay, it was Monday night. Yes. I was watching the movie, Elizabethtown. I didn't make it thru the whole movie, but as a side note, i'd like to say what i did see was amazing!

Anyways, so in this movie, the main character's father dies. He has to go to Elizabethtown, where his father was visiting family, i believe, and attend the funeral there and bring his father home. Anyways, there's this scene, where, at the funeral, he has to see his father - lying in the casket.

I lost it. Everything about that movie, that scene, made me cry. It brought things into perspective, and i realized that my mom could anyday have a heart attack and die. Or get into a car accident, and die. Or be in the wrong place at the right time - and die.

Please don't tell me i shouldn't worry about these things, and please don't tell me that it won't happen. Anytime, anyday, i could lose the person that i am the closest to. The woman that birthed me, raised me, and taught me 90% of what i know. The woman i go to in my times of need, and who tells me all about her daily life.

We work in the same place, live at the same house, enjoy the same activities, and listen to the same music. I am a reflection of her, and she looks to me as her oldest daughter, and most prized possession. I love her more than anything in this world (aside from my son). To lose her would be to lose part of my world. She helps to make this world of mine go round.

My head is spinning, and of course, im thinking what if Konno were to pass away. I have only read stories of those who have lost their children. It is the worst pain to bear, i have heard. You bring someone into the world, you shouldn't have to watch as they leave this world.

Or what if jenny? She is my best friend, and losing her would be like losing part of my soul. she is more than a best friend, in fact, more of a sister. We have so many memories, so many laughs, cries, heartfelt talks, fights, everything. I wouldn't trade those for anything, and i wouldn't trade her for anything.

I would be devistated to watch any of these people be buried, much less see them lying lifeless in a casket. I shudder at the thought, and if i had the capability to dream right now, would probably have nightmares about it. It a horrible thing to think about, but at any time it could happen.

That makes me sad. Angry. Depressed.

I think im probably just those things b/cuz of other things going on in my life. All i know is that i don't want to grow old, and i dont want those i love to grow old either. I couldn't imagine life without them.

Ok, enough of this.

this entry doesn't seem like me.

Written: Friday, January 4th 2008

down day.

not sure why.

don't even have the slightest idea.

i hate ups and downs

wishing it were 6pm.

im ready 2 go home.

eddie and i have been hanging out lately. he was at my house late last night & i fell asleep.

so he stayed.

asked this morning if we could maybe "do something" this weekend.

yeah, that means sex

NO!!!!!

i didn't answer him.

*sigh*

guys are stupid.

im tired.

im ready for a weekend by myself.

can anyone relate?

~Alex~

vicious work routine....

Written: Thursday January 3rd, 2008

Today she sits alone at her desk, answering the phones like she always does. She types what she feels, and then hits the “delete” button. Masking her feelings is daily routine, but she feels it tearing her up inside. The monster has subsided, and finally she is winning his battle. Now it is he who is cowering in a corner, and her soul has control over him. Her happiness today, however, is drowned out by soreness and fatigue.
Desperately hoping for sleep, she takes another call. Angry customers swarm her thoughts, and every waking moment she hopes it won’t be another to scream at her. Extension, Move In, Extension, Extension, Move Out, Transfer, Extension, Extension, Extension, NO Extension, Sup Call, Move In, Extension. The vicious cycle goes forever, and sometimes intrudes her dreams. She can only think about sleep.

I am desperately tired. i am ready to leave this place i call work. With what i make i can't afford to just be done. On the other hand, this job drains me something ridiculous.
wouldn't it be nice if we could go back to the days where mothers were suppose to stay home and raise their children? Not like that would matter now that i am single. I don't really know what i need to write, but something is consuming my thoughts and draining what energy i have left. Something is bothering me, yet i can't get a grasp on what that is.

She closes her eyes, and sees herself on an island in the sun. Completely care free and getting the best tan of her life. Afer a long sigh, she opens her eyes, and says "this is alex, how may i help you?"

She lives.. She's free..

Written: Monday, December 31st, 2007

She walked outside to the crisp fall air. Breathing deeply, her worries all seemed to disappear. Instead of running to the car, she strolled. Feeling as though she was flying, with the wind whipping around her, the once perfect hair on her head fell flat. She didn’t care. A new outlook on life was forming in her head. Here, she was free. Free from criticism, free from interrogations, free from that son-of-a-bitch who never believed her.

Walking out that door was the smartest thing she could have done. Probably the bravest as well. People were always telling her how strong she was, and how they envied her ability to cope. Always smiling when they expected her to, and never shedding a tear, her soul was broken and she was drowning from the tears her heart shed within. Laughing to herself when they said “you are so strong.” Yeah right. She wasn’t strong, and she knew it. Like a little girl, she craved for someone to say that they cared. For someone to see right thru that fake little smile of hers, and to see what a nasty liar she was.

They didn’t – they never would. She would just be left alone and her heart would die. Until now. Until she felt that clear winter day bring her to her senses. And how she loved it! Not changing anything for that day.

Still having questions that are left unanswered, and yet to discover what effect it would have on her heart, she walks blindly. He’s trying to real her back into the house of confinement, but she won’t come back. He hopes, but she knows not. Now that she is free, never will she allow herself to be caged by him, or anyone, ever again. She has found her happily ever after, and it has nothing to do with a man. Just her, her son, and her freedom.

Life is how she never imagined it.

Beautiful.

I FREAKING DID IT!! & update

written: Monday December 31st, 2007

Yeah, i stayed strong and broke up with Eddie on friday, as planned. All went well, better than expected actually. We hid mine and Jenny's car at her parents so he couldn't come find us. Konnor and i spent the weekend with her. He, of course, did the i'll change why are you doing this, blah blah blah. I made myself numb to all the words that left his mouth and i came out on top!!

Its really hard, and im struggling to hang in there. sleeping by myself is weird, but im thankful i have konnor there with me. :) my bug.

speaking of him, he's sick. had diarrhea since thursday, and just not himself. his eating habits are all out of whack, and i dont understand whats up. Eddie has him today, and he called and made an appointment so the doctor can figure it out. i hope he isn't too sick. but 4 days w/ diarrhea is enough to make a mommy scared!!

Jenny and i are fine, as we all knew we would be. we have our tiffs and they always turn out okay. now we are dying our hair and going to a new years party. eddie is watching konnor. I know this is a ploy to get me back, but its not going to work! I'm stronger than him, and i will make it!! He is going to take over paying the babysitter, and we are going to split the phone bill. in return, i will not file for child support. for now. he knows that if he f*cks it up i will thou. no playing around!!

anyways, that's all for now. gotta get back to work.

Loves,
Alex

email to my BFF

written: Wednesday December 26th, 2007

you and i seem to be able to speak better thru words, not conversating over the phone, when we are unhappy.. here is me spilling my guts (and trying to remember what i was telling myself last night that i needed to say)..

when you said we haven't been on the same page for the last week or so, i definately agree. i have felt like we are just... blah. and i dont want you to take it like its all your fault, because it isnt.. its mine too.. i was, and still am, really sad about brian's going away party.. i really wanted to go, and felt sooooooooooooooooooooo left out that i couldn't. i know there was nothing that could have been done, and thats just that. but still you get this sense/feeling of abandonment. JC joking about me coming to make breakfast made me mad more than anything, which didn't help. i really wanted to hang out on sunday though, and hoped that you would call when you got up. i didn't receive a call and unfortunately the text message didn't go through either, so come the call when you said you were going shooting, again, the feeling of abandonment set in. i dont know why, but i do know that i just wanted to hang out.

continuing to christmas eve, which is when i originally thought we were doing the great exchange, i was sad that you had made plans. and quite honestly, when eddie started picking fights with me on christmas eve day and into the night, i had no desire to do anything but cry. and cry i did. so whatever call or text was not made is my fault. i was really upset with him. as a matter of fact, i wrapped all my presents, and got done at 2am. i played two rounds of halo when he came out and got mad at me. because i wasnt coming to bed yet. i cried myself to sleep.

my resentment followed into the next morning, when he got mad when my sister got me up to open my stocking. he was actually mad that i didnt want to lay down with him. eventually he got up, but he just wasnt happy. and he seemed upset i didnt stuff his stocking this year (which i told him i wouldnt).

and, because i couldnt say this with him hovering around me, he got konnor nothing for christmas. he didnt get anyone anything. i have a jacket from his work on hold, but thats really the extent of it all. i know what you are going to say, but please dont. these past few day are enough for me to realize that we have is nothing more than a.... lie, you might say.. friday cannot come any sooner.

speaking of friday, i dont know how its all going to play out. im terrified that he is going to come by your parents house just to see if im there. we can leave my car somewhere and you can take us in the morning, but there is still your car. and what am i going to do with konnor. i dont know. im terrified but i want to get this done and over with. i dont know. i dont know about anything anymore.

back to us though. i dont know where our miscommunication comes into play, but we suck at it. just recently. i dont know what BFF module got disconnected, but im thinking that we better fix it soon. i dont like us being like this, it makes me cry. like last night. i cried. i almost just drove to your house, but i was too tired, physically and mentally. i couldnt do it. then i dreamt that you went to the mountain with everyone, and i woke up from that dream soooooooooo pissed off at you. realizing it was a dream, i thought some more about what this email should say.

i am rambling, and im sorry. sometimes i just feel like you are so busy with all of your friends, and i dont have more than like 3 ppl that i hang out with. so i just feel left out. i shouldnt, i know, its something that happens in high school, but you are my BFF so it happens. :(

okay so i still feel like im rambling, and this email is much longer than i anticipated, so ill let you back to work. my lunch is at 1030 so if i dont talk to you before then, i will call you at 11.

~me~

p.s. im not mad at you. i wasnt last night. just frustrated. and with everything else, i got a little more angry that you didnt want to drive out here than i should have. had we stayed on the phone, i probably would have flipped. :( im sorry.
So that was the email i sent to Jenny. we had a big "blah" last night.. made me very sad...

tears, tears, and more tears.

I am extremely happy the holidays are over. Not only because I have relieved a lot of stress, but because we are only two days from D-Day. Or…. Break up with Eddie day. And the last few days have proven to me why I don’t want to be with him and why it’s a good thing that we don’t continue this relationship.

For one thing….. sh*t I don’t even know where to start.. I can’t think straight and I’m coming down with something (I’m sick).. Okay, well let’s see.. Christmas eve I was at work, and I get this text from Eddie talking about me commenting on someone’s myspace. It was a male friend of mine, we’ll call him C for now. Anyways, C and I are friends thru Jenny and he commented on my main pic. My comments are hidden, which are a good thing since ppl comment me things he would get upset over. So I tell Eddie yeah I did and that C and I are friends. So he is all mad about that. Whatever..

I got off work early on Christmas eve – 3 hours early. Paid time by the company, I didn’t have to use my own PTO hours. That was nice. I went to the store, which was a stupid stupid mistake. For one item. I got out pretty quick, but my goodness it was busy. For a moment I missed my desk and my chair at work – so quiet and peaceful. Yeah, only for a brief moment.
Later that night, after everyone went to bed, I wrapped all my gifts. Well, my mom wrapped hers first, and since we had one roll of tape, I had to wait. 2 am rolled around before I was finished. I sat and played 2 rounds of Halo 2 on live before Eddie stumbled out. He got all upset that I wasn’t laying in bed with him and that I was out there, and started an argument. I told him to fuck off, started crying, and continued until I fell asleep.

7:30 am Christmas day my sister woke me up to open our stockings. Eddie was holding onto me very tightly (odd thing for him to do) and got mad when I tried to pry myself free of him. I just rolled my eyes and got out of bed. He came out minutes later asking if I was coming back. I had already told him that I was, and he went back to the bedroom. He came out again 10 minutes later and plopped on the couch next to me.

He was upset, because in years past, I would always do a stocking for him. I told him in advance I couldn’t this year, there wasn’t enough money. He said before it was okay, but seemed genuinely hurt that I didn’t do it. Oh well. I didn’t care, I bought him gifts.

Then, whenever I would get on the phone with someone, he would be right there – wherever I was – to listen to my side on the conversation. Then, when I said something he didn’t like, he would get mad, and I would be trying to mouth to him what I was talking about, who I was talking to, etc.. it was ridiculous. Then, after I got off the phone, he would interrogate me on what I was talking about. I almost decked him I got so mad at him. (he is texting me “I love you” right now – I don’t want to reply).

There was something else, but I cannot, for the life of me, remember what it was. If I do remember, I will put an update next to the title.

I do remember the other thing I was going to talk about now. Jenny and I have been having little “tiffs” here and there. Christmas eve was the original date that we were going to exchange gifts. Between her plans and Eddie, we didn’t do it, and I cried Christmas eve because of that. Then, Christmas day, we were going to do it, but after I had dinner at Eddie’s grandma’s house, it was like 6:30 pm and Jenny wanted to meet in the middle instead of coming over like she was suppose to.

We argued and said some mean things, which made me cry after I told her I’d just talk to her the next day. I was genuinely hurt that my best friend shut me out. There is more to it than this, but it would take me FOREVER to write everything out. I’ll post the email I sent her instead, in my next entry.

Hope everyone’s Christmas was amazing!!

Loves,
Alex

trust doesn't exsist...

written: Monday, December 24th, 2007

Okay, so, despite Eddie’s efforts to keep me home, Konnor and I left for Jenny’s around 7:45 p.m. I was so happy that I stood my ground and said no, I am going.

It was all the usual, who is going to be there, what are you going to do, are you going anywhere else, blah blah blah. I simply told him it was the 3 of us, we are playing Halo (im a freak, I know. Haha. I LOVE halo), we aren’t leaving. And shut up. He got the point and went to play poker.

He decided to go play poker, which was fine with me. He called me once, twice, three times. I answered, of course, to avoid a fight. He sounded drunk. After a 5 minute argument of him lying, he told me he had a drink. Liar. Okay, two then. I still don’t believe you. He stood at two, and I gave up. I asked him what he was doing, he said he was outside his house. Something told me he wasn’t. I said okay, gotta go, playing halo. Goodbye.

5 minutes later. (dear god I thought). He asks what im doing and I tell him that I am doing the same thing that I was doing before. He asked if B was there (how did he know). **background: B is a male. Very good friend and Eddie knows he has NOTHING to worry about. So he doesn’t** I ask him where he is, he says at home. I know he’s lying. I’m a little terrified because he is slurring his words, and definitely shouldn’t be driving.

B decides to leave soon after. He wants to bum a cigarette off of me. Okay, I tell him. And we walk outside. I hand him one and look over to his car, only to see Eddie pulling up. *rolls eyes* It takes 20 minutes to drive from my house to Jenny’s. I walk over there and see that his eyes are bloodshot and he smells of booze. Mini argument: I tell him to leave he tells me he loves me. Just a bunch of crap while B goes to tell Jenny that he has showed up. Great, so not only am I arguing w/ Eddie but Jenny is going to give me an earful when I get back in. Finally get Eddie to leave, B is already gone, and I go inside.

Jenny knows now to open her mouth because I don’t look at her and i flop on the couch. She is going to say “I told you so” I can feel it coming. I swear I will scream at her if she does. But things settle, and after another round of Halo, she says it. “I told you so.” “yeah I know,” was my reply. I left it at that, and so did she.

Eddie was texting and calling me and finally my phone died. Yes it really died this time! Ha. So he resorted to Jenny’s phone which soon followed suit. No phones. That meant peace and quiet for the night and some of the next morning. Until Jenny plugged her phone in and turned it on. Three text messages. That boy just doesn’t give up.

So then after I got home, it was a constant interrogation for the night Saturday and all of Sunday. I was so angry and I told him that obviously he doesn’t trust me and he proved that and he is dumb. I don’t want to write about it anymore.

Merry Christmas to everyone who I don’t talk to before tomorrow!!!!!

We are t-minus 4 days and counting. Im very nervous, but anxious too. Im ready to be done.

im baaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!

more than a month since i have blogged here.

i'm sorry.

:(

i cannot give an excuse that would be suitable enough, but i'll tell you the truth. i have a diary online (which im sure ive mentioned) and its there where i have been keeping my thoughts, secrets, stories, etc.

anywho everyone, i'm about to post some of my entries here. some of them are much too personal to share with the WORLD, but a lot i feel the need to share. so give me a bit to do it. there's a lot going on here.

a conversation

that i had with eddie today.. its a text convo.. bear with the misspellings and poor grammar.. he isnt the brightest crayon in the box..

me: jenny wants me and konnor to stay the night and go to saturday market in the morning
him: i kenw it
him: i knew it
me: what
him: that your going to that
me: its at her parents househim: ya ducking right
him: why do you do this i dont know any one that has a girl friend and let them go stay the night at anyone house
him: you said you were coming home
me: dont get all pissy
him: why
me: shes my best friend. thats why. we wanna go early. thats also why. you shouldnt question the trust. i let you hang out with pot smokers because i TRUST you
me: why what
him: your REALLY going
me: uh. yeah. i dont think ill be spending any time with her in the next few days.
him: so
me: so
him: so i wont see you
me: yes you will
him: when
me: after work. gotta get konnor
him: i wanna do what we did this morning agein
me: k
him: your really staying at her house
me: yeah
him: pronges
me: huh
him: prom
him: when are you going to be back tomorrow
me: around noon or so
him: can i go play a tournament
me: yeah if you want. you may have to meet us at the aunt's house
him: what?
me: christmas at the aunt's house
him: tomorrow i know
me: yeah if your tournament goes too long then you may have to meet us there.
him: k call me
me: at 1230. my lunch
him: k
him: you love me
me: ya i love you
((((((an hour later))))))
him:you on brake ill call you k
me: ya i am
((((((15 minutes later))))))
him: you are seeing some one else
me: i think your crazy
him: you think i am just ok with it
him: i want you to show me where jen
him: lives
me: why?
him: you would wanna know
him: wanna meet them too
him: hello
me: you have issues. i dont do this crazy shit to you
him: i not stay the night at people place (peoples houses)
him: what you have anything to say
him: hello
him: hello
me: i have nothing else to say
him: why you dun
him: i love you alot and i care
him: you bakin up with me
him: you mad then
me: no. im working
him: i dont go stay the night any were
him: why can't i go too
him: i go then you can stay at my house
me: IM STAYING AT JENNYS PARENTS HOUSE! NOT HERS!
him: whats wrong with that
him: why cant i go then you can stay the night with me
me: im staying with jenny at her parents house. they dont let boys in the house for one. and two im staying the night!
him: why cant you do that what you going to the mountain
me: no WE ARE GOING TO STAY AT JENNYS PARENTS HOUSE!!!
him: you think you just tell me then i am ok with it
me: no i dont but oh well
him: what i say
him: what did i text you
him: why o well you dont care
me: you think you just tell me then i am ok with it. . . . . thats what you said
him: i dont like you staying at places
him: makes me feel like shit worry alot
him: why you not said anything
me: im working
him: baby
me: what
me: im sorry i was busy. shit. calm down.
him: you wanna get married
him: do you
him: hello do you or not
him: why dont you ANSWER?
him: you wanna get married
him: yes or nome: yes
him: will you marrie me

such a time its been..

there has been no update lately. for that, i apologize. My time and effort has gone into creating an online diary. Much more open and a lighter atmosphere. I can talk to people who read easily, and i have grown close to a couple people in my current situation in a short time.

Not that i will discontinue my blog here. I love my blog too much to ditch it. Christmas is coming, and changes are as well. For fear of who reads this, i won't say anything here. Just know that steps are being made to get to where i want to go.

Terrified as i may be, these changes are much needed. I am severly depressed right now, that i cannot deny. My heart hurts for many different reasons. Even through this hard time, i see Konnor needs me and his smiling face is something i cannot and will not deny. Those blue eyes are cutting into me right now as i type this as i stare at the picture of him on my desk. Well, the one of MANY!!!

I need support with the journey im about to embark on. Cheer me on, because if i do not come in first place in this race, losing will be a travesty.

More clarification to come. :-\

*.::me::.*

Tonight is going to be a blast.. i am finally going to get away from everything for a night, and let loose!!! of course, it'll be and my partner in crime, Jenny.. and the plans are as follows...

• Go to her house after work, take a couple shots of jager.. or a jager bomb. who knows.
• Me, her, JC, rachel, dan, maybe dan's g/f, their friend jeff, maybe joy, and someone named matt are piling into three cars
• Jenny and i are going to fill something w/ jager to drink while we're gone
• UP TO THE MOUNTAIN WE GO!!!!
• do some drunken sledding
• come back to the house, and drink some more!!!
• maybe watch POTC3, that i bought the DAY it came out.. haha!!

These are all tentative plans ((subject to change)) w/ only the possibility of these people coming.. for sure its me, jenny, jeff, jc and rachel. And we are definately going to the mountain and jenny and i are DEFINATELY getting drunk!!! Lots of pics, lots of fun... and eddie is watching konnor. amazing right? most DEF!!!

I have more to talk about, but thats a diff post. till then...

*.::me::.*

ok ok a real update...

I think part of me has been dreading this update because it means i have to write about something other than my feelings..

Another part of me has been dreading it because i know it is going to take a long time to do it..

The biggest part of me doesn't wanna do it because i haven't felt up to doing anything lately..

Well, today is a new day!! I haven't been driven into the ground of depression today.. So i will update as much as possible before i go into my daily photobucket slump.........

The biggest thing on my mind right now is where Konnor is and who's watching him. Now my son is a very happy healthy child who will get along with almost anyone! I love that little squirt, and he has been doing FABULOUS with his current babysitter, who is eddie's brother's mother-in-law. Well her daughter, Eddie's brother's g/f, is due to have a baby this week. So they are taking two weeks as a sort of "maternity leave" to get the baby home and on a sort of routine, which is no big deal.

We just had to find another babysitter in the meantime. That proved to be a HUGE ordeal. Seeing as no one we know can watch konnor for almost two weeks. Except...... ((dun dun duhhhhhh)) His ex-girlfriends mother who does daycare for a living. Ugh. I DON'T like his ex girlfriend and would rather her mother not watch my son. The biggest problem is that its going to cost us... FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS!!! For 8 days of watching my child she is charging us $400!!!!!!!!!! Talk about taking advantage of someone in desperate need of a babysitter with little notice. I am outraged to say the least. I pay $125/week for daycare. That's it!!

Anyways, enough ranting on that. :) Dang, i don't even remember what else i was going to talk about. I am slipping into wanting to just browse photobucket. That's when i know i need someone to bring me up. Cuz i am falling. And here we go talking about feelings.

WAIT I REMEMBER!! ((trying so hard to not fall)) Konnor is into not wearing his diaper when he is wet or poopy. i think we are going to start potty training after he goes back to Tammy's ((babysitter)) .. I am going to buy him some pull ups and big boy underwear ((cars and sponge bob)). im sooooooooo excited!! We can tell he is going to catch on quick -- should be a breeze. He is a very smart little boy.

For Christmas, i am going to buy him some coloring books and crayons, and an ABC coloring book. Then, mommy and Konnor are going to work on writing his name. Partly because i want him to learn how to write his name, and partly cuz i want my tattoo!!! :-)

Speaking of that tattoo... This is how its going to go. The first time he successfully writes his name all by himself ((and its legible, of course)) i am going to save it. Then i am going to dig up his little handprints from the hospital and i am going to have them tattooed on me. Probably on my side. Why?? Cuz he is my little boy, and i want to preserve his littleness forever. A part of him will ALWAYS be with me. And it'll be soooo much cuter than carrying pictures.

Jenny is going to get her precious puppy ((pit bull)) Lucy's name and paw prints in the same way. Yeah, we are cool like that!! It will probably be 10 years before we ACTUALLY get them done, but its gonna happen!! Maybe we can have them done when we go on vacation in August ((CUZ YOU ARE GOING, JENNY!!!))

Okay everyone, i dont know what else i have now. gotta get back to work. bye for now!!

Loves,

*.::ME::.*

history behind it all...

I choose to write of this because any of my readers who don't know me don't know the story behind the relationship. I think i need to open up and give some brief details as to what has got me where i am....

I pretty much have decided that the relationship i am in is no longer worth my time or my heart. It is cracking and breaking and shutting down more and more by the day. i fear that if i let this on for too much longer, any hopes of repair will dissolve into nothingness and no longer will i be able to love. Sad as this may seem, i find myself wondering how i am going to get through it all. No doubt i will, but will such a battered heart, will i be able to love again?

Considering all things, i also find myself wondering if this was all a sham. This is a most terrible thing to say, and i feel horrible in saying it, but i don't know anymore. Four years of a sham hardly seems believable, but just before i got together with him, i was in a relationship with my first love. True this guy was a disgusting cheater who broke my heart and left me cowering in a corner with my soul exposed and such heart at my feet, i still loved him. With all of those broken little pieces, even though my head was screaming at me to leave it be.

Eddie came to my rescue in the days following, for he knew. Me and this other guy were not yet broken up ((stupid me)) but he persuaded me that i deserved better and to take his hand. When i did, i felt a surge of life thru me, and in time, my heart was healed by Eddie. I had my guards up, and a couple weeks into the relationship, i broke it off. I was afraid, as any girl should be. It was too early for these feelings, and i didn't want to be hurt again. NO, i wouldn't have it.

A week later, we made up and got back together. To make a long story short, when i got pregnant, eddie wasn't ready for such a committment and left me for drugs. Sad to say, i know. He wanted me to get an abortion, but having one previously, it wasn't going to happen. He knew that and was still willing to risk the chance of my getting pregnant. His stupidity. We fought for weeks about if i was keeping it, and for a moment, i thought about it, to save the relationship. Obviously, his screaming, yelling, and plotting did nothing. I was strong and taking a stand.

Throughout my pregnancy and into the first months of Konnor's life, i tried to bring back the relationship that would make us a family. My strong will told me i shouldn't give up, even though my heart was again breaking before my very eyes. Had i been smarter, i would have realized that Konnor would have gotten along without him, he was afterall, too young to know better.

Thank goodness for Jenny. My once aquaintance thru Eddie's best friend, she had become my companion and best friend. Through thick and thin, for better or worse ((not to sound like we were married)). She had been dating Eddie's best friend, and that in itself was no roller coaster ride. We were being strong for each other more than ourselves. It was a miracle to have her around because in all honesty, i wouldn't have made it those months without her.

As i started to get over eddie, he pushed his way back into my life. Over and over i said no as he insisted we get back together. The weak heart inside of me was done screaming, and was now just a whisper telling me it couldn't take it anymore. Not once did i listen to my heart when i should have. It knew better than to let me forgive him. But i did. and we began the journey of "fixing things"..

Now, a year and a half later, i am wishing i never would have let him into mine and Konnor's life. In the beginning it was all peaches and cream, but now....... I hurt more and more everyday. And now its not just my heart that hurts, but my entire body!!! My soul even. I have to get my life straight, and get out of this situation before i dwindle to nothing inside.

Thank goodness for my support system, and you know who you are!!!

fellow bloggers

Upon browsing thru others blogs in the NW area, i have come to the realization that probably 60% of them have an interest in photography..

Which makes me wonder, what kind of photography?? just some point and shoot stuff, or are these people seriously trying to to make a living out of photography.. do they go out and take pictures in hopes of snapping that shot that will shoot them to the top?? or do they take pictures for friends and family of friends and family???

Just some random thoughts running thru my head this morning. Disaster hasn't struck in my life yet today, and i am in a fair mood. I should take that and run with it.

Meh, im at work, so i am not holding my breath. :)

untold truths

if a certain someone found this blog, i wonder what would happen.

how angry would he be?
would he cry?
would he scream at the top of his lungs until his voice went hoarse?
what new things would he find to accuse me of?

one day i will tell him about it. not today. not tomorrow. not any day soon. but one day.

save me.......

I know i have said time and time again that i feel as if i am screaming at the top of my lungs in a crowded room, where no one can hear me. I think perhaps now i have degressed to something less in something more. Instead, i feel like i have been thrown into the icy cold atlantic, choking on the below freezing water, gasping for breath. All i am getting in return, however, is water in my lungs, and my body becoming stiff and frozen. I am breaking down from the outside in, or the inside out. i wish i knew, but i dont.

what can save me? who can save me? i dont have that answer. i am not entirely sure there is an answer at this point. all i know is im in too deep with where i am. i am about to hit rock bottom. i have to get out. soon. i dont want to be buried alive.

oh my gosh!! all these analogies. im a living breathing walking analogy. if that doesn't make me want to scream, there is a list of other things.

this blog has gone from talking about my everyday life to talking about how i feel. how has it come to such? i dont know. no i didnt post since wednesday, because i took a couple days off of work. i helped jenny move and we hung out. friday i was probably sincerely sick as my voice didn't want to cooperate when i talked, and i sounded like a 12 year old boy going thru puberty. no joke.

hmmmm.. i wish sleep would overcome me. im tired and worn out. yesterday was suppose to be a day of hanging out with eddie and konnor. it was a day of misery. fuck the world. and those who have turned their backs on me. when i needed them. because they couldnt handle who i had become. look at me now. im becoming stronger. and those who have stuck by my side and those who are joining my battle -- we will conquer this. i promise you. and i will be higher than i have ever been.

after time.

what would it take??

>>for me to be a free spirit again?
((and what does it mean to be free))

>>to become myself for me and not for him??
((who did i used to be))

>>to let go of the sensation of our dysfunctional "love"??

>>to see clearly again??

>>to "know" i am happy??
((what is happy))

>>for someone to understand what he has done??

>>to undo the damage he has inflicted upon my heart??
((is it reversable))

>>to undo the damage to my soul??

During this ever so difficult time in my life,

i need someone. Someone to hold me and hug me when i

can't bear the burden of this pain

anymore.

To wipe away my tears, and tell me that everything

will be okay.

Who will just hold me while i cry,

trying my best to be strong.

They will tell me to just let go, because

at a time like this,

i dont need to be strong.

someone. who. cares.

what it is. what it isnt.

we were so cute in the beginning.
nothing cute now.

we were so in love at one point in time.
that love is gone.

when it left, i used to wonder where it went.
i dont care anymore.

i used to be able to get lost in my dreams at night.
i dont dream anymore.

i used to think about how things could be.
they can't.

i would daydream about how i wanted everything.
i dont want anything.

i used to wonder how to make everything better.
nothing will be better.

i used to write poetry of my paradise.
there is no paradise.

i used to be happy.
im not anymore.

oh the things that we did...

Jenny and i are complete lunatics and it shows in my voice and my sickness this morning for sure :)

It was 8 pm Thanksgiving when Jenny called saying that Heather ((her friend)) had drove by Toys R Us in Clackamas, and much to every one's surprise, people were already in line!! Mach speed we drove to Wal-Mart for hand warmers and then to 7-11 for energy drinks, and were in line by 9pm. Not a half hour went by and half a dozen more people had gotten into line.

It went well below freezing as we approached 3am Friday. Jenny and i were huddled underneath blankets watching "Lords of Dogtown" on her PSP. It was bitter cold and the wind was whipping. We were all out miserable. There was a rumor that there weren't many Zunes on stock, which is what everyone was waiting in line for. We were scared that we were waiting in line for nothing, and would be super bummed if they sold out.

Our fears were growing with the line, and the thought of rushing to the electronics section of the store when the doors opened at 5am was making our anxiety swell. It was around 315am when we received word that they were to hand out vouchers for the Zunes. Our spirits lifted only a little, as we still didn't know how many they had. We had determined that we were 8th & 9th in line, so as long as they had that many, we wouldn't be waiting for nothing.

4am was suppose to be the time that they handed the vouchers out. Well, that time came and went, and with each passing minute, we saw more and more people lining up behind us, and the dreaded line rushers were peeking their ugly heads around the corner. We were ready for them, and had already told the people in front of us that we were determined to not let them in.

445am rolled around, and we saw a TRU employee approach the door. this was it. Our hearts pumping, the employee came out and said that the shipment of Zunes they were expecting hadn't come in, so they had limited supply. They handed out what vouchers they had, and Jenny and I had to pretty much push ((and i felt a little bad)) a little kid who was rushing to the front. We got ours and the person behind us got the last voucher. That was it. We were getting what we had come for. Standing in line for 8 hours was about to pay off!!!!

We. Were. Ecstatic!!

The people behind us, however, were not. They had been in line almost as long as we had. Almost. The key word. Because they were not. They did not think far enough ahead to get out there early. Which i don't blame them. Jenny and I were out there at 3am the year prior, and were top 10 in line. Who woulda thunk the Zune would be THIS big. We didn't. But we were persistent, and we were about to get them in our hot hands.

Giggling little girls is how the next 20 minutes went. For the most part. My brother's babysitters daughter saw is in line from back where she was, and wanted to cut. We were terrified at the thought because there was an angry mob behind who wasn't getting what they wanted. We found out that she wanted the PS2 and a camera, so we decided instead to pick it up for her and give it to her when she got in.

Thankfully, that worked out nicely! We were in and out of TRU in less than 20 minutes, and then had to RUSH to Target. You see, originally, i was suppose to have someone in line at Target for me, waiting to get in for the Kodak camera they were having on sale. Well, last minute they bailed, saying they got their license suspended. blah blah blah, anyways. Jenny and i got there, and were probably like 500th in line.

Convinced that i wasn't going to get my camera, and cursing the weather, the line started moving half an hour later. the second that we were in the building, jenny and i darted towards the electronics department. we got up there mach speed and asked for a camera. They only had two poor people working the electronics department, and these two people were in charge of handing out cameras, xbox's, memory cards, etc. To say the least, these two people had the worst job in the world.

Until jenny got stuck. We were trying to get an xbox for my brother, and when jenny got pinned to the counter with two carts, she started handing out memory cards and flash drives to people. She should have been paid for it, i swear. haha. Finally, we got her out, and went to toys.

Unfortunately, they ran out of the Cars toys i wanted to get konnor just as we were getting there. I had my camera in hand, and that was the only other thing we needed. I was upset, but knew that he has plenty of gifts for the tree. So we left Target, shaken, but not stirred.

Our next stop consisted of Kohls, which was across the parking lot. They opened at 4am, so i figured that they would have died down. We looked around, wondering what everyone was in line for. Around by the mens ((i think)) we saw it was the line to checkout!!! we asked an employee at the front of the line ((who we knew)) how long it was.. She said 2 hours!!!! HAHAHAHA, needless to say, i didn't stand around to buy my pants. F that!!!

We headed straight for Fred Meyer to their famous sock sale after Kohls. They were much calmer than the three previous stores that we ventured too. Don't get me wrong, it was still a MADHOUSE, just less so than the others. We gathered socks, gloves, and whatever else we could find, and headed towards checkout. I was so tired by this time, i was ready to fall over and pass out. I felt icky, and didn't have the will to go on. Jenny's "hell n0 you aren't quiting now" got me into the groove again.

Following Fred Meyer, we went BACK to TRU. Yeah yeah we are probably crazy, tired, and delusional, but i needed k'nex @ 50% for my brother. Haha, too bad they were only the little kid k'nex that were on sale.

Leaving TRU, we headed for Joann's who was having hella deals on fabric. We just wanted some fuzzy fabric to make blankets with. Jenny and i are not good at sewing, but at 99 cents/yard, we were willing to learn. Except........ The line to get fabric cut looked much like the line for Kohls. The only difference being that you had to take a number ((like at DMV)) and then wait for it to be called. Yeah, they were on like b56, and the number we would have taken would have been like c75 or something like that. haha, we said screw that!!! Totally not worth it.

Saddened by our loss, we headed to Wal-Mart, which would be the biggest zoo of all, we were sure. Sure enough it was packed with people, but they weren't being crazii and psycho.. Or maybe jenny and i were just wayyyyyyyy too tired to realize. We laughed at nothing and i sat on cushions, we spent a lot of time in the pet department for no reason. We walked and walked and laughed and joked and laughed more. What did we laugh at?? I have no idea. I fell on the ground laughing, and people probably thought i was drunk. Yeah, from lack of sleep. Wal-mart was the best. Brian came to keep us company. He had slept all night, after all. grrr on him.

Finally, we went home and CRASHED!!!!

All in all, it was an eventful day that led us to spend too much money. :) oh well. thats Black Friday for ya!!!!

Black friday

Sitting outside toys r us. Been here since 9 pm. Waiting for them to open at 5am. Want the 30gb zune. Soooo cold. Updates to come. Oh yeah we are the 2nd group in line. :) we rock. Hardcore.

My update and outlook on life are both pretty grim today. Only for the fact that all the bad outweighs the good. Some know why, and others have ideas. Everyone as work is lost in oblivion. I can deal with that, and wouldn't have it any other way.

I try to make good and happy with Konnor, and he knows something isn't right with mommy. He cuddles with me and loves on me more than normal. I love it. But don't like its because there's something wrong. i try to mask the sadness, but he sees right through me. :) i love him.

I'm making the best with what i have, which results in having a smile on my face, and spending much time away from eddie. i like when i get konnor from the babysitter, because it means i can do what i want and chances are he'll be at frisbee golf for much of the night. i like when he is gone. i dont know why im so unhappy but i am. so these small retreats from him are much more of a relief than anything else.

hopefully, good developments, and even better news will come in the near future. Dennis Dixon, the star quarterback for the Ducks, is out for the season with a torn ACL, so don't expect it before football season is over.

Snow is on the mountain, and expected to stay for a while. Temps are rising in the next few days with the sunshine we are expected to have, so needless to say, some of it will melt. sad, i know, but it makes my day to check out www.timberlinelodge.com and see that snow that has fallen.

consuming me.

when will the tears cease

when will this pain stop

i feel like im falling

im about to drop

i cant stand to look at you

through all of my tears

i cant believe i lasted

for so many years

i thought you would change

you promised me so

i should have known

that you'd bring me so low

now i sit here and scream

in a big crowded room

no one can here me

instead they consume

consuming my mind

on my feer they're feeding

i cant help but cry

for my heart is bleeding

no one can see me

no one understands

you mine as well kill me

with your own two hands

i dont know which is worse

to stay or to leave

without you i'll be happier

thats what i believe

konnor will be too

just so you're aware

although i cant be sure

that you even care

its all about you

what you want you get

im done with the bullshit

im calling it quits!

when our hearts no longer

unite as one soul

the pain will come to a hault

and again i'll feel whole.

goodbye friend and lover

of four long years

im giving it up cutting it off

so there are no more tears

I LOVE OREGON!!!

This is going to be a loooooooooooooooong post, FYI... Jenny and my adventures this weekend are nothing less than spectacular.. Let's just say, we are a sort of local celebrity. haha. only cuz we made the news. but let's not get ahead of ourselves. we'll just start from the beginning.

It was decided long before that Friday we were going up to the mountain. There had to be snow somewhere, and we were determined to find it! A long trip up to Timberline proved to be not quite worth our time, but we saw snow! And we embraced it!! A snowball fight and some time later we decided to check out the scene at Mt. Hood Meadows. That was a bust!! What little snow there was you couldn't pack into a snowball. it was like ice.

Friday night was a bad night for the mountain, and it showed in our spirits as we drove home. The hope of the mountain trip was flakes falling from the sky and a light dusting of snow on the ground. We got nothing of the sort, and depressed as we were, we made the best of it the ways we knew how!!

Saturday went by with nothing to speak of -- nothing eventful that is. Jenny worked while konnor and i played. We just went about our business, of course checking the ski reports from time to time. We saw the possibility of snow that night and the following day, but our hopes were not something we were willing to give up.

It all happened so fast on Sunday. I got up, Eddie left to play frisbee golf ((big f-ing surprise)) and i got online. You know, just to check it out. I couldn't believe my eyes!!! Where there was no snow the night before on timberline, i could see white patches!! Watching the live cam, i saw the snow.. it was FALLING!!! i texted jenny as fast as my little fingers would let me. Of course, she checked right away, and the excitement began to brew. We made plans of the mountain, and talk of how what and where began. Of course we'd have to wait until she was off work ((6 p.m. -- yuck!))

I left the computer for a few hours ((i did not want to)) to get some shopping done and to pass the time. Kelly had come back into town, so we spend some time out and about. I was so excited -- it was raining soooo hard on the valley floor, and i could only dream what it was like at the mountain at each precise moment!! I couldn't wait for jenny to be off of work -- i wanted up there!!!

When i got home around 3 ((to do laundry and clean the car)) i checked again.. There was a SERIOUS amount of snow!!! This storm wasn't playin around! i was a tad bit scared of the hills to get to the mountain, and how bad they'd be, but hey, we had done it all last snow season with no chains or traction tires, so all should be well.

Ha, that's where i was wrong. Jenny got to my house, we got our shit together, and left for the retreat of a lifetime!! Or maybe the adventure of a lifetime. Yikes! As we were driving up, we got higher and higher in elevation, and realized that the water on the road was becoming slush. And then, it was becoming snow. Uh oh. No plows yet. This storm had taken Odot ((our "trusty" department of transportation)) completely by surprise. We pass a semi who is pulled over, then a truck, a car, and then.. we start to slide. Yeah, we aren't going ANY further!

We pull over, a feeling of defeat whooshing over our high hopes to sled at ski bowl. Of course, we aren't giving up -- you'd hafta be dumb to think that. Jenny takes the wheel, and tries her luck, with nothing. Damn. Now, mind you, there have been cops EVERYWHERE and an occasional ambulance storming up the mountain. A little afraid of getting a ticket ((and dying)) we take a brake from trying to get back on the road. So we got outside, and started playing in the snow. Ok, just throwing snowballs at my stupid car, and wishing we could cry without our tears turning to ice cycles.

Odot came up to check on all of us there were in a line, stuck, a few minutes after we got there. After hitting everyone else up, a nice guy asked us how we were. We lied, telling him that we were just waiting for a couple friends to bring us chains, and that we thought we had them, and didn't. We made nice with him when he saw our Oregon Ducks beanies, and struck up conversation. He left us with only a warning about chains, and went to check on another driver. Phew.... Thank goodness.

We continued panicking, wondering what we were going to do, and throwing snowballs at my car out of frustration. Meantime, cars were coming up and down the mountain, not a care in the world. An SUV pulled over in front of us 10 or so minutes after Odot left, and we thought he may be in the same predicament as us. Haha, what a joke.

As soon as he stepped out of the car, huge video camera in hand, we knew he wasn't stuck. A snow plow came by ((finally)) and he filmed it go by. Then he came up to us, asked us how we were, and confirmed that we were stuck. That's when he asked if he could ask us a couple questions on camera. ((NOOO!! i thought in my head)) all that came out was "sure". So here we were, embarrassed beyond belief, and going to be on TV!!!! Here's a link to the segment. We're the ones that they considered to be stranded. http://www.kptv.com/video/14637274/index.html

Watching the man from fox 12 leave, we formed our game plan. We would wait until Odot wasn't looking, and then head up the rest of the way to Ski Bowl to PLAY IN THE SNOW!!! yeah! So, again, Jenny hopped in the driver seat, and me riding shotgun ((i trusted her more to do it -- haha)), we waited patiently, and then were OFF!

We found Ski Bowl 10 or 15 minutes later, and both let out a huge sigh of relief. Stupidly, we parked in a lot across from Ski Bowl, and not only found ourselves stuck but face to face with a police officer. He asked Jenny about the chains, to which she replied that we forgot them, and he told her that we park here or get a fat ticket. Well, if he was letting us off with a warning, we were gonna take it!!! NO DOUBT!!

After dodging Odot and a cop, and getting unstuck, we got back to Ski Bowl and had ourselves a few hours of pure bliss letting the snow fall around us, making a sled ramp, and eating fresh powdery snow that was untouched. It was a night to wash away our worries, even if only for a couple hours. It was well worth the wait, and all the hassle it took us to get up there.

On our way back down, jenny turned her phone back on ((it was almost dead, and we needed to preserve the battery since mine was dead)) and saw that she had a couple text messages from various people who saw us on TV!!! THE 10 O'CLOCK NEWS!! AHA.

I can honestly say that i am in love with the mountain. I'm just glad my best friend is too. :-)

F$%K OREGON!!!!

I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SICK OF THIS WEATHER!!! JUST GET COLD AND RAIN ALREADY!!! I WANT SOME GOD DAMN SNOW ON THE FREAKING MOUNTAIN!!!! seriously, we get snow at night, and then rain in the day, which melts the snow.... its RIDICULOUS!!!! really, i wanna cry. suppose to be going to the mountain tonight.. pfft, whats the point. theres no snow. it may snow tonight, but not at ski bowl. more like timberline. ugh. makes me very very angry. stupid oregon weather. its suppose to RAIN 9 months out of the year here. but all we have is dry warm weather. jas;oritu EAkghfdakjzjgoeurt gjfds is what i have to say about THAT!!!!

**crying**

the poor 80's shows

Being born in 1987, i grew up with many 80's cartoons, which will always be classics to me. Why would you take a classic tv show and turn it into a movie 20 years later!?!??!?! are you mental?? probably...


TMNT...The Smurfs...Alvin and the Chipmunks...Garfield...Scooby Doo.... Underdog..... even Loony Tunes....


the list continues to grow as the idiots we know as writers and scripters come up with "great ideas" to real in the adult audience while enticing their children as well. i think that Hollywood's need to "make a buck" outweighs the need for a good movie. Who really wants to see these once popular tv shows made into cheesy films..

It's despicable

feelings thru song

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind



How do I feel?
I've been here before
I've felt this
Retreat to a place,
A place within me
I need this.
Keep it all down,
Bottled inside
It breaks me.
To torment again
And torture me
Like it used to



This is my december
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all i need



she can't hide no matter how hard she tries
Her secret disguised behind the lies
And at night she crys away her pride
With eyes shut tight staring at her inside
All her friends know why she can't sleep at night
All her family asking is she alright




To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure




I find the answers aren't so clear
Wish I could find a way to disapear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorence



Theres something about songs that help me to understand how it is that im feeling. happiness is not me. when i start listening to staind and linkin park, i know something is wrong. whether its deep in my head or if i can find it staring me straight in the face. something is up. this time, i am going to have to dig, although i know part of what is bothering me.


i hate being unhappy. its just getting worse, not better. i think i am getting really irritated and flustered because eddie is finally trying to make things between us better. yeah, i want to be with him for konnor's sake. but i dunno if i wanna be with him for me. or if id find more happiness elsewhere. gosh, this stinks!! my thoughts my dreams and my intuition is making it difficult. the last three nights have been odd, with weird dreams that keep me awake, and paranoid about things.


like, the night before last i kept thinking someone was gonna break into my car. so i kept waking up, or getting up rather, and peeking through the living room curtains to make sure all was quiet. every little sound had me up again, even if i was just up 2 seconds before. it was pure hell. i was up for 3 hours i think CONVINCED due to paranoia that my car was going to become victim to tweakers.


i dont understand. a couple weeks ago i was content with life and the way i was living, and now. . . now i am a total emotional train wreck!! i mean, im not constantly crying, but i am constantly typing. wondering. thinking. dreaming. hoping. screaming inside. i type things, and delete them. i talk to myself ((no im not crazii)) acting out what i want to happen in my life ((which never will)). possibly i need a psych evaluation, but im sure most people in their lives go through this.


although, the last time, i was young and "depressed" even though i didn't know what life was. it was a hard time in my life. i was "in love" with someone far far away ((okay, 4 hours)) who i wasn't really happy with but i wanted someone to tell me they loved me.. ((sounds like a pattern to me)).. UGH!! im a dependant person.. thats it. i need help. damn. what to do NOW??!?!?!

one day skipped...

my gosh, i can barely believe i didn't post yesterday! :) There was, however, a reason for such. Konnor was sick w/ a high fever most of Monday, and i couldn't bear to take him to the babysitters on tuesday when he was still pretty hot. Poor little guy. A dose of Tylenol, and a couple movies later, he was a bundle of energy wanting to go top speed around the house! Try as i might, i was unable to keep him calm, so we played for most of the afternoon.

Today, he is better, so i am regrettably back at work, and he at the babysitters. Which is well, because i can't really afford to miss work, and he needs a normal schedule. Yeah right, we are anything but normal.

Anyways, Jenny and i continue to formulate our "Black Friday" plans as more ads are leaked onto the internet. We are torn as to what store we should be "stake out." I'm sure that until all the ads are out, and we can go over what all we want/need/can have, that will be determined. Konnor is staying at home with my mom, i am trying to talk my sister into going, and my mom is wondering if she should make my 14 year old brother watch my son. So much is going on and changing that our plans will change 20 times between now and then. Which is okay, i just won't waste much time telling you which plan we have this second, because it will change the next.

We do a few things that we want, which includes a 30Gb Zune MP3 player for $80 @ toys 'r' us. I imagine those will go fast, so im thinking that store will be the one we stake out. A lesson learned from last year though: get your sh*t and get out. Otherwise, its going to take you, and this is no exaggeration, TWO HOURS to checkout.

We also want k'nex ((50-60% off at toys 'r' us)), an 8mg kodak digital camera for $89 @ Target ((which im sure is going to go fast as well)), and the famous 50% off all socks at fred meyer. We are keeping very close watch on what ads are posted and what sales are going on. There's currently a rumor about a very very very good deal on an xbox 360 at a certain store. I'm not leaking any information until it is certain, but if it is, my mom will definately be out in the crowds this year.

Also, in Alex news. Plans are being formed in my mind about a current situation which involves my home life. More on that as it comes about, but let's just say this roller coaster.. don't wanna do it. I just need to figure out how i can prevent world war 4. :)

until next time...

loves,
*.::me::.*

updates on misc...

DUCKS UPDATE:

My beloved ducks did not play over the weekend, their game is this Thursday, November 15th, at 6pm ((i get off at 7pm.. grr)) vs Arizona. This game should be an easy win, but we should not get ahead of the game. Much can happen in one game, seeing as Ohio ((ranked #1)) lost to unranked Illinois over the weekend, bringing Oregon to the NUMBER TWO in the BCS standings!!! wahoo!!! That makes LSU ranked #1... Chances of us going for the national championship: pretty f-ing good!!! Ohio hasn't had their bi-week yet ((meaning a week they don't play)) sooooo.... They could drop in the rankings even further. Hot on our trail, unfortunately, is Kansas ((10-0)) and Oklahoma ((9-1))..

...the best is yet to come...

SNOW UPDATE:

So.... With the big wind/rain storm we are having today, and the precipitation over the weekend, we are seeing snow on the mountain. This friday, Jenny and i will be making our first trip up there to see what can be done. Of course we will go up with all the necessary equipment in hopes that this week brings enough snow to start our sledding adventures once again. it is currently 37 degrees at ski bowl, with showers ((not snow showers)).. however, over night, any precipitation will be snow, which is exciting. currently, ski bowl has been wiped away of all snow that accumulated over night ((very frustrating))

the fact of the matter is, jenny and i are keeping our hopes and dreams of snow by friday ALIVE!!! you should too darn it!! :)

WORK UPDATE:

yeah, it still sucks, and i hate it. Today it is very windy and rainy here in the great NW, which means, working at the electric company,

BUSY!!!!

there are outages everywhere, trees down, lines down, transformers blowing. ARG!!!! seriously, my goodness... its died down a LOT from this morning, but we are still busy. i am going to apply for some other positions that take me OFF the phone, and hope that is accomplished before we end up with a HUGE outage. Although if that happens ((which will be later in the winter season)) i will probably have to come in anyways. Oh well, i get paid enough i guess..

Oh yeah, and there's the fact that i can't go through with my plan to work 4 days next week and get rid of my car. i can't sell my car for enough money to be able to go down to 4 days. im super depressed about that, but you know... sheet happens, right?

HMMM, i dunno what other updates i can possibly have... so until tomorrow...

loves,

*.::me::.*

the tale of the haircut...

Thursday evening was "attemp to get Konnor's haircut" evening. I wanted it done. He is starting to look like a little girl ((again)) and i can't stand when people say "oh your daughter is so beautiful".. seriously, he doesn't look like a little girl, even with longer hair. anyways, i take the hint as needing to cut his hair. So we took him to the same place as last time, and he seemed okay. well, not really. instead, he screamed. NOTHING would calm him down. Eddie tried sitting with him, i tried sitting with him, we tried what we could. So we took konnor home w/o a hair cut.

Screw it, i kept thinking, im gonna do it myself. So sunday morning konnor and i got up and went to good ol' wal-mart at 9:30am ((still havent set the clocks back, so i thought it was 10:30)).. it was nice for a sunday trip seeing as everyone was still at church, and we got front row parking. ((i know how amazing that is)) inside, konnor was suprisingly good, and sat most of the time. We found a $30 complete hair cutting kit and were set. With only needing that, we were in and out in under an hour. ((yes i stopped in a few different departments))

Anyways, so we got to my house, and i emptied the contents of the box onto the dining room table. There were more pieces then i could count. Dear goodness, which things do i use?? I settled for a #4 and the main contraption that plugs in. I have seen the pros do it a hundred times. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to get this going. I put the #4 onto the main thing and plug it in. Now for the moment of truth.... did i buy a P.O.S. that doesnt work or do i get to cut my childs hair today?? it starts buzzing and vibrating. SUCCESS!!!

Konnor, of course, comes in to explore. i am frantically wondering what the best technique is going to be. This thing is obviously going to be scary. Tickle is what i came up with as konnor looked at me and then this thing and back at me. I touched it to my skin and started laughing. Then took it off, put it back on and said "tickle, tickle, tickle." If he falls for this, im a genious i thought thinking that it wasn't going to happen. He reluctantly, to my suprise, held out his hand with this little smile. "tickle tickle" i said as i touched it to him. His grin spread almost from ear to ear. Ha, this is in the bag i thought. So i tickled up his arm and to his hair. ZZZZZZZZZZ, and the hair fell. "oh my god, what am i doing" i started to panick. i dont want his hair short. :(

Half hour of "tickling" later it was done. Very very short, much shorted than i'd have liked. But done, none the less. the mess was out of this world. there was hair everywhere, including all over me, cuz at the end, konnor decided that it would be MUCH nicer to sit in mama's lap while the tickling happened. He stopped liking it about 10 minutes into it, and i had to use some mad coaxing skills to finish the job..

here is a before and after. disregard the quality of the pics.

I know that the pic of him and his pumpkin isn't good at showing how long his hair was, but it was in his eyes. now i think im gonna let his hair grow and just trim it up when it gets too long. his hair is ADORABLE when its long, and this short business just doesn't work for me. So yeah, my decision:

NO MORE SHORT HAIR FOR KONNOR!!!

Remembering...

So last night, as i was laying in bed, trying to slip off into dreamland, i was watching konnor. Holding his baby doll close to him, patting her back. I laid there and strained to remember how and when this little baby, wearing a purple onesie w/ a ladybug on front, came to live with us.

Jenny, Konnor, and i were making a trip to the Dollar Tree for some "necesities" ((of which i dont remember what those were. go figure)). As we were walking, talking strolling the isles, we came to toys. Now, Konnor LOVES toys, and Jenny & I, being kids ourselves, do as well. So here we are, finding many things to distract us from everyday life ((as we tend to do)) when we see a pile of baby dolls. We hand one to Konnor, just playing around, and he brings it right up to him and HUGS it.. I kid you not, my child took to this baby just like that!! He loves babies, especially Kelly's baby, Caleb, but never did i think this would happen.

We let him continue to hold onto it, but i knew i couldn't buy it. No, eddie wouldnt have it, my mom would laugh, and i would be embarrased. So, being the mommy that i am, told Auntie Jenny to take it. She looked at me and did. Boy, that was the wrong move. he CRIED!! So, naturally, she gave it back. And wouldn't you know, right back up to the chest that baby went, and Konnor loved on it so tightly, unwilling to let go.

20 minutes later, and many isles passed, Konnor saw something interesting. Memory failing me, i dont remember what it was that he was playing with, but i sneakily took the baby and hid it behind my back. The goal was to put the baby down somewhere, and leave it. Moments later, however, my son realized that the baby was missing, and frantically started looking for it. He started to whine, and the fact that it was soooooooooo cute, mommy gave it up. For a third time, he clutched onto that baby like it was life or death.

At that time, i realized Konnor was leaving the dollar tree with a baby. Eddie was gonna flip, i kept thinking. Oh well, i kept telling myself, maybe he should spend more time with him. As we approached the register, i didn't know how i was going to pry the baby from Konnor's hands long enough to have it scanned without him getting upset. He was, afterall, convinced that mommy was trying to rid him of it. It was a quick manouver, a fast swipe by the checker, a quick giggle from jenny, and a tiny "ehh" from Konnor, and then it was over. it was paid for. and konnor was being carried out of the Dollar Tree by Jenny, carrying his first baby.

Eddie, suprisingly said nothing except "its just a toy" when i told him that our son was the very proud owner of a baby doll. I almost hit the floor when he said this. My mother's response was much the same, until she saw the way Konnor has given the baby lovings. Now she finds it absolutely adorable.

Since that night, Konnor has wrapped the baby in a blanket, carried it around, and slept nearly every night with it. You tell him to give his baby kisses, and he does. right on the forehead, the face, or wherever. On the downside, the poor baby has been hauled around so much the clothing is tattered and worn and is missing one eye. It's very creepy looking straight at you with its one good eye. But konnor still insists on having it, and loves that baby every single day. He'll be a good big brother.

I smiled, watching him hold that little baby that means so much to him, and drifted off to sleep.

...((no subject))...

Sometimes i wonder if i am a good enough mommy.. Last night i dropped konnor off with eddie, and he was being the biggest jerk in the world.. he was yelling saying that i was going to cheat on him and that i didn't tell him that i was leaving konnor. blah blah blah. anyways, i am running ((literally)) up the stairs, to minimize the inevitable when i hear it. the crying. then turns to screaming. he is at the bottom of the stairs looking for me, and eddie "konnor come here" in his jerky voice he does. i am watching thru the door ((konnor cant see me - im at top of the stairs outside)) and see konnor running back towards eddie. green means go. i take it as my sign it'll be okay. can't help but feel guilty.

Jenny and i get to La Careta ((her absolute FAVORITE place to eat-mexican)) and we are sitting there, talking and what not, and i hear a baby crying somewhere near. I felt this guilty feeling setting in. then the crying baby, held by mommy, walked by, and jenny and i both started talking about how weird it was for konnor not to be there. He ALWAYS is with us when we go, and always proves to be an adventure. such as throwing rice everywhere ((trying to eat it, of course)) or spilling the water, throwing sugar packets everywhere, and eating forkfulls of salsa and then licking his arm trying to get the hot taste out of his mouth.

Man, that child is something else. i know i say it all the time, but he is weird just like his auntie jenny and his mommy, and i love him soooo much. i tell him i love him to infinity and beyond now. anyways, so after dinner, the guilt subsided, and seeing as it was 8:30ish, i knew he was probably missing mommy but trying to go to sleep. he never does this when im not home. go to bed for the night that is.

the guilt died as we drove, sang, and talked for a while longer. for the sake of not allowing you to fall asleep, i will spare details. lets just say i had a lot of fun last night in the most suttle way. jenny knows what happened and what was talked about, and that's all that matters. it was very calming in a sense and overall extremely enjoyable.

eddie doesnt even remember that he woke up at 1130 to let me in. and seeing as how i was gone before he got up, thinks i stayed somewhere else. what an idiot. that ought to be a fight later. grrr.

last night, when i got home, konnor stopped cuddling with eddie, and laid - right. with. me. hes my littlest rock. one in a milllion. its times like that when i know im a good enough mommy.. and i cant ask for anything more..

loves,

*.::me::.*

pictures pictures.. yay for pictures!!

Here they are... some of the pics from our halloween festivities.. enjoy!! :)

Carving pumpins.. or eating them rather??

Finished pumpkins. Konnor's left.

My little dinosaur!! his tail wiggled when he walked!! hehe

Kelly, Me, Konnor, and Jenny. the prehistoric gang!



Jenny, Kelly, and myself getting ready to drink.

me (queen cavewoman??) jenny and kelly

***TRASHED***

blah blah blah. ((no title))

reading what i wrote on monday, and on tuesday, i was in a deep rutt. my heart hurt, my soul hurt, i physically and psychologically hurt. i was so near the edge and ready to have a breakdown that i could see it -- almost predict when it was going to happen.

yesterday, late afternoon, there was a breakthrough. a tiny ray of light started to shine into my dark life. jenny and i hadn't really talked since saturday. long story. but to sum it up we have both been in this crappy time and has wanted to talk to no one. i dont think i have felt so alone. anyways we finally got to email and it was soooooooooooooooooo nice!! hopefully we get to hang out as planned tonight after she gets off work. a small escape for our lives should prove to be beneficial for both of us. i work at 7a.m. tomorrow, which is the ONLY downfall. we'll see how this pans out.

i work 7-4 today, which means eddie takes konnor to daycare. he tried to fight this when i woke up this morning. i told him that it was early for me, and pretty much, he didn't care. i was trying to get konnor back to sleep (it was 5:30am) when he started this nonsense, and i knew it wasn't going to happen, so i left. poor konnor was crying and i told eddie to cuddle him. his response: "i dont do that" i cried the entire way to my house to get ready and a good part of the way to work. eddie has no patience in the morning with anyone, let alone an upset child. i often wonder what goes on when i am not there. have thought of a nanny cam, but i dont think id want to see.

needless to say, this morning was a setback. i am so torn between wanting konnor to have a daddy and kicking his stupid ass to the curb. yeah, we have fun, when he spends time with us. he can be a really great guy and super sweet. but lately, the last thing he wants to do is spend time with us and has been in severe jerk mode. im so freaking confused!!!! either way, i am screwed. he already told me he'll fight if we break up. he thinks he'll get konnor. he wont. thats a given. i support both of them. minus car insurance. and then there's the whole cell phone thing. i don't want to cancel the freaking phone. GAH!! that's a lotta freaking money. i dont know. pretty much, whether i like it or not, im going to be stuck with him for the rest of my life. together or not. i just need to get him out of jerk mode, and we'll be okay. i think. i hope.

my semi good day seems to be getting worse and worse now. i just found out that i have been doing a major process wrong for quite some time. and it caused a customer to get over charged and almost disconnected. now i say almost, b/cuz they didn't get their power shut off. only because the customer called, thank goodness. i hate doing things wrong, and will beat myself up about it for quite some time following. work today is just lame, and i would appreciate it if i could go home. haha. wishes... ok, there are a lot of calls waiting to be answered, so i will push the buttom of doom and let everyone else get back to their lives.

loves a lot,

*.::me::.*